Late Have I Loved Thee

Song for the week: Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Ako'y tinawagan mula sa katahimikan

Pinukaw Mo ang aking pandinig

Biglang luminaw ang awit ng daigdig

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman

Minulat Mo aking mga mata

Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo

Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo

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This song was based on St. Augustine's Prayer, "Ever Ancient, Ever New", thus the title, "Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa", which was sung by Bukas Palad, a really known choir from Ateneo (http://www.bukaspalad.com/). It had such an effect on me, especially now that several things are beginning to happen in my life, simply because God thinks it is already my time to experience these trials.

I have started to have faith long ago, but I only grew in faith in its truest sense when I was in college. Amidst all the superficiality of the world, to make me NOT believe in God's existence did not work. There is a warmth inside me that I couldn't explain every time I pray or think about Him, and nothing and no one can ever change this desire in me to be His servant. Somehow, it overpowers all the things that some say about Him. (Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman Minulat Mo aking mga mata Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina)How can I not believe when I experience Him in my life? How can I turn my back from the One who gives me the strength, the courage, and the wisdom to move on?

I remember when my faith faltered, though. I was in junior high school then, and doubts began in my mind, simply because my dad was losing his job. I felt as if God was abandoning my family after all those times when we were such believers. For a while, there was enmity in my heart. I didn't go to mass, and did not do any of my Christian duties. I was so confused as to why God wanted us to suffer. I really felt He was letting go of my hand. I never realized then that it was the other way around. I was letting go of Him. (Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan
Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan)

But, at the end of my attempts to escape His presence, I found myself returning to His arms over and over again. I have discerned that life is much, much better with Him in my heart. Without Him, everything was bleak and grey. (Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo) People were difficult to comprehend, and for me, the mind without the heart is just about useless. When life was without Him, I succumbed to various vices, those which are artificial and temporary. (Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan) I never attained the fulfillment I longed for, and in unloving God, I realized I was only unloving myself. All the while, God was still with me. I just didn't want to see it.

Thus, Kay tagal bago Kita minahal...I have known before that God was the answer, but I guess it paid to doubt so I could believe.

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you!

You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.
- from The Confessions of Saint Augustine