Thursday, May 26, 2005

This is it!


He looked at me with downcast eyes, whispering words of affection that should have made me stay, but still, I turned my back on him and walked away.

Maybe it was my pride...

Or just that independent side of mine, where my heart was finally ruled over by my mind.

For so many sleepless nights, I pondered at how unfair it was. He had two people loving him, while I was stupidly believing it was I he loved, and the other didn't have a clue of what was going on. So, who's the number 2? Who's the mistress in this scenario? I kept asking myself...and the finger pointed at me. I felt I was the "other girl" because I was the one who knew of the existence of the other. Isn't that how it worked? The mistress in the relationship knows that there is another woman involved, and accepts it. Did I accept it? I thought for quite some time he would change his mind...that because I found out about it, he would revert his ways and tell me that his loyalty was mine. Well, obviously, this story didn't have that part. And so, the entire story has ended.

Just like that. It ended.

The entire set-up of our relationship started wrong. I was naive then, I guess, when I believed that because he was interested in me, I assumed he was emotionally unattached. The only good thing about this is that I finally opened my eyes to the truth about how this works. Just because a guy flirts with you, asks your number, and asks you out on dates, THAT does not mean he sees you as a potential life-partner...or even a 2-year girlfriend. I know, some girls would roll their eyes, and comment that they knew this long before and that I'm stupid not to have even known, but from where I came from, I never thought insincerity was existing. From where I came from, kindness was exchanged with goodness. I guess where I came from wasn't the real world at all. I was sheltered, uncorrupted, and unjaded. Now, if that's a stupid thing, then I'm glad to have that stupid thing going on.

Now, I'm not blaming him entirely. I knew he loved me the best way he knew how. It was like him-and-me-against-the-world. The sad thing here is that he wasn't ready for the fight. After a lot of thinking, I've come to the conclustion that it wasn't entirely his fault. It actually takes a lot of courage to go against what our parents want for us, including that prospect for a partner. I do understand that he had to take into consideration what his parents would think of his love interest. Okay, every parent wants the best for us, and if he thinks that I'm not enough to present to his parents as his girlfriend, then all I can do is simply accept that. At first, I was still willing to pursue this challenge and prove to him that I was worthy...but you know what, when fate has stepped in to tell you that things aren't meant to be, you just have to leave it alone. I learned how to go with the flow of destiny...or something.

He is still with her because he chose her. That doesn't mean I'm less of a person, does it? That doesn't serve as the only basis of my entire character. It took me quite a while to lift my spirits up after that fall, and for me to realize that nobody should affect the way I see myself. I am me. I complete me. And I am happy being me.

And now, I am moving on. I was able to walk away from him finally. There may have been hurt in his eyes when I said my goodbye, but throughout the entire experience, I have learned to value myself even more. I am no second best. My love deserves that of an affection that equates everything I am capable of giving.

It has been more than 3 months since I bid my farewell. Although it sometimes confuses me why he still calls me at home, (maybe he's still hoping that I would answer his call) I know better now. I never answer the phone anymore, and my mom knows what to say if ever he is the one on the other line. There have been too many second chances, and I'd rather have the stupid lifestyle of honesty...than dealing with such deceptive reality.