Friday, October 15, 2004

Sour Friendship

Lately I've been pondering at how some people could throw a friendship away so easily, to think that you've been friends for what seemed like ages. The trials you both overcame and the laughter you once shared don't seem enough to make the relationship go further. We entrusted each other with our secrets, but now, we're worse than enemies. She's making me non-existent in her life.
Ouch. It pains that the person you trusted and cared for would turn her back on you and as she walked away, would step upon the dignity you thought you had.
I've been too hard on myself. I don't even know if she's in the least affected with regards to the situation that we're in, but I've spent sleepless nights crying over the wasted friendship. Maybe it's supposed to be difficult because the universe wants you to feel that you should at least save what might still be there. But how? I've tried so many times, have gotten tired almost during every attempt, but continued anyway...this time, I know that I still have the strength to give it another shot. However, I've gotten afraid that she'd turn me down all over again. And every time I remember her, tears form in my eyes.
I couldn't seem to give up the friendship, despite the cold stares she's given me and despite her talking behind my back...telling people how a wreck and basketcase I am...how I never learn...how I easily fall...that behind every good intention I've done is someone really fake and deceiving. Maybe I am pretentious, but only when it comes to my own emotions. Every single deed I do for people I care for are genuine...and if she thinks that everything I did for her was just an act...
I simply don't know what to think anymore. Should I even be explaining?
"Never explain. Your TRUE FRIENDS don't need it. Your ENEMIES won't listen."
What I do know is this: she HATES me big time and she definitely ain't even trying to hide the emotion. I still couldn't figure out why she loathes me this much, as if we never had the friendship, as if I hurt her so deeply and as if I've done the most immoral thing there is.
Must I just let go and give her up? And do what she's doing...to just imagine we were never friends?
Maybe there are lessons to be learned here...
1) people aren't who you think they are even if you get to know them...but if you love them, you'll stay by them no matter if they change.
2) trust only your true friends...know who they are.
Sigh. I need to move on...leave every negativity behind.
Funny how someone I love could make me feel such a loser.