THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The problem with people is that we only look for short-term solutions. As a result, the problem never really goes away. But what if our problem is the system? What if we know the rootcause, but don't know the ultimate solution? Perhaps, because everybody has something to say...each one of us has a principle, a belief that guides daily living...Given this, it makes me wonder, will people ever really get along?

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My work is killing me, both literally and figuratively. I think that the pressure is taking its toll on me. Last Saturday night, I woke up in the middle of my sleep because there was a pain in my chest, specifically in the heart area. It was like, something or someone was holding my heart inside clenched fists. I raised my left arm on top of my head, and I felt the stretch. It actually scared me, wondering if I was actually having a mild heart attack. The stinging pain lasted for a while, and when I completely woke up in the morning, I felt the heaviness on the left part of my chest, as if there was a certain weight upon me.

Up until now, my left chest feels heavy. It actually hurts every time I touch my upper chest. Sometimes, I have difficulty breathing. Then, just today, the left part of my back began to feel tired and weighed on.

I'm planning to go to the doctor soon...I'm still praying that this will go away somehow...It's hard. My parents aren't here...They could always think for me on what I should do, as well as push me to have a check-up in just a snap. I'm actually scared. I don't know what to expect, because this isn't expected. What's more ironic is that just when I stopped smoking, and started eating healthy, I began to feel these weird physical pains.

It also doesn't help that I read this article some time ago when a Singaporean Account Manager died with unknown causes, but they had a hunch it was due to overwork. Among her symptoms, the only thing we have in common is the difficulty breathing part. I haven't had collapses nor near collapse experiences, which I do not inted to have! That's why I am going to the doctor for an ECG. The nurse in the clinic couldn't say what's wrong, but she is sweet enough to be concerned about me. She even called today, just to check up on me, and asked if I already went to the doctor.

Honestly, I really wish somebody could accompany me when I go there. I'm too scared to find out what the diagnosis is.

Who Am I?

I just realized how I'm becoming like my father as every single day passes by, especially when it comes to dealing with people in the workplace. Somehow, there's a battle waging inside of me as to which behavior I must exude. Sometimes, I get exhausted as I end up realizing that 90% of my day was spent pretending as to what I really felt. The masks worn each day are slowly getting thicker and thicker, and the real me is becoming a blur. I just shrug my shoulders and sway my head from side to side, out of hopelessness that the entire profile of my individuality will ever become solid. Sigh. Now, I'm sure that I will always be unpredictable. Laughing one minute, then quiet the next...seeming like normal, but obviously, not.

FREEWAY

The Grand Canyon trip pushed through two weekends ago. I can't believe I actually got to drive on the freeway for about two hours, with barely enough sleep. Perhaps the adrenaline rush was caused by the anxiety and need for speed. At 100 mph, it was more fearful to stop than to keep speeding.

Again, the entire experience taught me something.

LIfe flashes by before us, so we say. However, what we fail to conceive is that we let life pass us by, simply because we want to flow with how others flow, even if it may sometimes be too fast for us. The speed that I drove was way beyond the speed limit of 75, but there was this instinct to drive at the same pace the other cars were driving. It was like I had no choice except to bend the rules and do what everybody else was doing.

But at the end of the day, I began to think. If something happened to me and the four other passengers with me, would anybody be accountable? Is it logical to even say that it wasn't my fault because I was only following other people? Such simple questions, aren't they? Yet, I failed to even consider all those while I was driving. The rush just got into my head.

And now, I'm sometimes scared to be behind the wheel, not because I'm traumatized by the experience, but because I'm afraid to discover just what I could do, and just how careless I could be.

GAP

We stopped over at Sedona for about an hour. As expected, we just went shopping. I bought presents for my family back home, making me miss them so much more.

Gap had a sale. Of course, I didn't let that pass. All the bargains just made me jump ecstatically in my head.

Then, the most ironic of ironies was mentioned by an officemate who was with us for the trip. He said that our going to Gap only made the 'gap' with someone bigger. Of course, I didn't have to be a genius to figure that out. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

It's been almost two weeks since I kept my distance. Somehow, it's helping. I don't exactly have the words to describe it, except that staying away enabled me to accept him fully now. It's sinking in me that what I didn't see before has actually existed. It just sort of surfaced completely now, as we're all evolving into the individuals this onshore experience is molding us to be.

However, I don't think things will ever be the same. I'm still trying to slowly bring it all back, though, but eventually, his behavior topples over everything else. He still means so much, though. I'm hoping that things will eventually fall back into place. - Kirsten

ETERNAL CRUSH

I am probably the most loyal person I know. I only stick to one crush at a time. It's crazy, I know, but at the same time, fascinating.

All my life, there will always be only one infatuation who keep beguiling my heart one way or another. It doesn't matter whether or not I often see him, because somehow, my heart will keep finding its way back to his arms in my head. (Cheesy).

I actually started to develop this feeling towards him during college. He just seemed to shine above the rest, and somehow I knew he knew that, yet he wasn't extremely arrogant about it, unlike other guys I knew. Maybe that was what drew me to him. Well, plus the fact that he was just adorable.

We're still friends now, or something like it, because we don't actually spend time together nor talk on the phone. It's like months pass by before we actually get to talk again, but the amazing thing is that, we just pick up where we left off. And it all the more adds to that 'kilig' feeling I get brought about by crushes!!!

Haha. I'm getting carried away every time I write about him or even just think about him. The way he looks is still vivid in my head, and the jokes he told still make me smile. We don't really have that sturdy of a foundation to our friendship, but it's the security in knowing that years from now he'll still pop up from somewhere to put a smile on my face just completely amazes me. He actually helped me move on from my past relationship, except that he doesn't know it.

And you want to know a secret? Haha. If there's any guy that I'd like to go out/steady with, it's him. The only thing that's keeping me from getting to know him better is the fear of losing him in the process. I seem to be cursed when it comes to that department.

But...maybe when I get back home, I might gather the courage to give it a try. Besides, it's probably about time.

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Well, I guess that's it for now. =)
Good night, world!

A Story of Friendship - Part One

Every friendship needs to undergo some sort of trial. This strengthens the bond, or so they say. So why does it seem like this test is staining our so-called friendship? I know he's irritated at the way I disagree with his opinions, but hey, I am but expressing myself. That's how I see things, and nothing can change that. If he couldn't handle the way I deal with stuff, then I guess...it's time to be real: We might as well just keep our mouths shut from now on.

Maybe this trip will do us both some good, a little bit of fresh air and some nature tripping. I'm not expecting any of us to talk to each other, though, which is alright for me 'cause I wouldn't want my blood to raise up to a level so unacceptable that I would just make a total fool out of myself. Just get this over with, I keep telling myself.

It's hard to accept something about a person the first time you realize that he/she has that irritating trait. Try as I may to accept this side of him now, I can't. Not yet, that is. I still need some time to digest the reality that spending a lot of time with him will eventually allow me to see the entirety of his being and swallow every little bit of what he's made of. As of this moment, I'm trying to remember all the good times we had and the non-shallow, non-superficial talks we used to have, just to try to convince myself that we're still cool.

It's obvious I'm getting into his nerves, as well. Then I guess, it's a good thing we're not travelling on the same car. The really surprising thing is that I felt relieved when he said that I needed to ride on the other car. As much as he didn't want me sitting on the passenger seat for four hours and more, I didn't want to be there listening to his ramblings about things that used to make me laugh, but just annoys me now.

I never thought he could piss me off. Then again, there is a reason for everything.

Whatever it is, I still hope it doesn't mean the end of our friendship. I just really need some time to accept this new-found side of him.

- Kirsten

Friendster: About Me

i am haunted by my frustrations, yet i don't do anything about it

i smile, yet my soul is like a siren wailing inside of me

i don't want to die a slow death, yet i smoke

i run and swim, yet reality keeps gaining up on me

i don't want to be in love, yet i am

i deny everything that is my very existence because the only person i am afraid of being totally honest with is myself

I'm super hungry! Unfortunately, I'm still in the office, and unfortunately, I'm not in Makati, where McDo's are everywhere and super near. What I need to do is go home and eat, but I can't because I'm still in the middle of a call.

The past few weeks have been okay, but missing home is starting to creep up my spine. I actually tried to block the feeling, yet it's inevitable. I can't stop thinking of sleeping in my own bed and waking up to the sound of my parent's voice. I still have 4 months to go, and I'm just counting the days.

On the other hand, being here is such a blessing. This is a stepping stone towards the attainment of my goals. I never would've believed that this could happen to me, but I guess, God had a bigger plan than I could imagine. Experiencing the lifestyle and work ethics of Americans is one thing, but I guess the most important impact this has is my personal growth. I feel like I'm becoming more mature as each day passes by...and there's no assurance that I will be the same 'Maddy' when I come back. There will definitely be some changes in terms of how I work, how I deal with people in the office, and how I battle with everyday challenges. However, how I am with my family and friends won't change at all. Well, if it does change, I hope it's for the better.

On a less serious note, we had a pool party last Saturday! It was sort of a despedida for Tors, who's leaving for Manila soon. Life here is where people come and go in a span of 6 months. Sigh.

Of Fortune Cookies and Fortune Tellers

The other day, one of the employees in the office asked us to get some food at the conference room. It really looked good, except that the taste didn't quite meet my expectations...and I guess there's a reason why. Hadn't the taste been so terrible, I wouldn't have appreciated the fortune cookies.

I didn't think that the actual cookies could be eaten, but I would have missed something so good if I hadn't. Still, the best part were the fortunes in them.

Fortune 1: Beautiful things await you.

Now, I know that sounds a little vague, but hey, anything that has 'beautiful' in it sounds good enough for me. You know, I already feel blessed, knowing where I am now. Yeah, I still get those down-in-the-dumps mood, yet when I look at the bigger picture, I see that life has given me so much more than what I expected. I mean, all the trials have actually helped me become a better person, as well as made me open up my eyes to reality. I'm no longer disillusioned, although sometimes I still wish I could bring back that belief in pixie dusts and ever afters, because somehow when I have that, my heart somewhat feels a little lighter. Oh well, I guess people just lose them with age. Could this fortune also mean I could age with beauty? Haha.

Fortune 2: Many of your Ideas are becoming real.

Hooray!!! When I read this, it actually made me think. It is so true! Even if I'm taking baby steps, the direction where I want to go is exactly where I'm going. Sigh. And this makes me miss home so much more. It's so true that when you make people your inspiration, it makes the journey seem more worth it...And I just can't wait to see the smile on parents' face when I see them open up the gifts I have for them. =P

When I was in first year college, some of my blockmates and I decided to have our palms read near school. It was just for fun, and I had no intentions of taking them seriously, but I did keep everything he said about me in my head. (Haha. Not seriously, huh?)

Two things actually already came true:
a) He said that I was going to travel abroad, and that I was going to step foot on Japan. At that time, I didn't actually think that I would be doing something in Japan, except go shopping with Denden. But still, I didn't get it why I was going there.

Then, 2 years ago, I was assigned to a project that had a possibility of sending people for onshore assignments, and I thought, "hey, wait a minute...". And that made me remember what the palm reader said just barely four years ago from the time I got into the project.

And now, I'm here in the US, having already spent 7 weeks. You know what the amazing thing is? My connecting flight was in Japan! Haha. Amazing, isn't it?

b) Then, he also said that I was going to have problems internally...and true enough, I'm dealing with something that I'm taking meds for. It's been a year, but the condition hasn't changed yet. Sigh. I'm still hoping it gets better soon, though.

I'm still not someone who's into fortune telling. I never went to one ever again. But I guess, it's fascinating to remember people predicting things about you, and watch it materialize one way or another. I am where I am now, not because I just sat on my butt and waited for them to happen. I actually did something about it.

9 Months - Lost in Translation

9 months have passed. Could it be that I am re-born, in a superficial womb created by my imagination? Or is it by faith?

New layout. New face.
Old feelings. Old emotions. Just memories.

I'm at a loss for words. Seems like the only communcation method I've mastered is the IF-ELSE-END-IF method.

Time to pick myself up.

The problem with me is that I think too much, but I can't help it. Every time I sit around, do nothing, or even just watch TV, I'm not really listening nor watching what's in front of me because something else is on my mind. It's like I'm trying to find myself every minute, thinking about what may seem like nonsense to other people...and I know the reason why I couldn't get it out of my system. It's simply because I have lacked the strength to become totally honest, even with myself. I can't write what's in my head, just like before, because if I do, new revelations would surface, then my life would either come rolling down the hill or meet tomorrow's sunrise with a smile on my face.

This is the very first weekend, after such a very long time, that I have felt freedom. For so many days, I felt so choked up, to the point of vomitting every toxin in my brain and body. But the most important part of my existence that I just really want to revive is my soul. I feel as if I am a nomad, searching for answers that could not be found, once again. As I actually sit in front of my pc, my fingers are just typing away. I'm tired of thinking...and there's really nothing I could do to stop it. I think this is a disease.

The one thing that's bothering me is this innate nature of human beings. Why couldn't we just be satisfied with what we have? Why couldn't we simply savor the blessings that have come our way? I think the reason why my soul is listless is because I, too, cannot find it in me to be contented with what I have. I can be happy. I can smile every minute of every hour of every day, but why couldn't I?

I try to tell myself not to complain too much, not to be so engrossed with the superficiality of it all, but I can't help it if I give in. Who could blame me, right? I am but human.

*Argh!* I don't know what's wrong.

This is the first time I am ever going to admit this in public, but I guess there is no better time than now. I have become numb to the emotion that takes you up on a wild rollercoaster ride. I have become no longer afraid, but above the feelings of sentimentality and false hopes. Believe it or not, but I have completely lost faith that I would ever be granted the opportunity of finding true love. All I ever believe in is unconditional love. Romance just doesn't exist anymore.

I guess this isn't being bitter, but more of being realistic. May even sound as if I'm complaining, though I really am not. This is more of a huge step for me, in finally accepting the truth.

I won't be easily swayed anymore...no longer as naive as before.

Too bad it had to turn out this way. I just really don't believe in it anymore... =(

On the way home tonight, so many thoughts just came running through my head. It's the first day of the month. January flew by so fast...as if in a blink of an eye. And I tried to recall, what important deed have I done? Somehow, I just couldn't think of anything. I haven't been spending time with myself, as in the way I used to when the only companion I'd have for an entire afternoon would be my journal and a pen. Almost two years have passed, and my journal hasn't been filled yet. Talk about getting too caught up with the rackets of mortality.

Work has been better. I don't think I would like to be anywhere else, because my teammates have been like family, and although the workload sometimes stresses me out, the laughter I share with them detoxifies me. I honestly feel as if I got lucky being where I am now. It doesn't matter if my life isn't at all perfect, what matters to me is that I am actually loving it, despite the disappointments and harshness of reality.

The other day, I began pondering about friendship, and here are a few things I came up with:

1. It's not about what your friends can do for you, but what you can do for them.

2. It's not about hearing what they have to say, but listening to their hearts and to the things they can't say.

3. It's about extending your patience when you feel you've had it up to your neck with them.

4. It's about keeping personal information confidential between the two of you even when he/she didn't tell you it was a secret, and especially when he/she told you not to tell anybody else.

5. It's about not arguing with them when they're drunk.

6. It's about letting them commit mistakes in life, but make sure they learn from it.

7. It's about humility, not pride.

8. It's about loving unconditionally.

9. It's not about how many times you've made them smile, but how many times you allowed them to cry.

10. It's not about using a criteria checklist to prove one's loyalty.

11. It's about forgetting the hurt caused.

12. It's knowing when to stop when they said no, and when to keep going even when they tell you to stop.

13. It's allowing them to sing and dance even when it's the most terrible thing you've ever seen and heard.\

14. It's about giving them the freedom to follow their hearts.

15. It's about laughing together and laughing at each other for each silly deed.

16. It's about writing letters, whether via email or post mail.

17. It's about saying "I love you", and actually mean it, without expectations.

18. It's about not putting the other in deep water.

19. It's about swimming together and not pulling each other down.

20. It's about including them as part of your future.

21. It's entertaining his/her questions while watching a movie.

22. It's giving him/her a cup of coffee when he/she had too much to drink.

23. It's not allowing him/her be used by another person.

24. It's telling him/her to calm down when he/she is already making a fool out of himself/herself.

25. It's assuring him/her that what other people say doesn't matter as long as they have each other. The strength they get from one another is enough to get them through other people's critical judgements.

I know some of these statements are ironies of one another. But you know what, life is full of ironies. I guess we just practically need to strike a balance, to know what to do when and where. All I know is that, there are a lot of things I would give up and do for a friend, not because I see it as an obligation, but simply because I love him/her.

I am contented with the friends that I have now. There is nothing that could make me trade the joys and sorrows I've had with them. Time and distance may keep as apart, but in my heart, they are always with me. I see the smile they used to send my way, while walking down the corridors or while having lunch/dinner with everybody else. It's such a refreshing feeling whenever I think of the people who have shared my life with me. Others have come and gone already, but there are those who are still staying. And somehow, knowing that I have them just brings so much fulfillment.

I am a very boring person. I like to talk, and make fun of myself, but all in all, I just really want to be stuck in one side of the room not doing anything everybody else is doing. Let's just say I'm a non-conformist as to what my generation does. Call me a killjoy and it won't even bother me.

When I was in college, I used to drink beer with friends. You know, it seemed like the "barkada" thing to do...and I just typically wanted to unwind. I used to get relaxed whenever I did it, but you know what, I realized that what really matters to me is spending time with my friends, getting to know their hidden selves, and listening to their life story pleas...BUT that does not mean I have to go along with them through every thing they do.

I don't like to drink beer. I just did it because everybody else was. Then, I learned to say no, and that has made all the difference. I may not be the drinking buddy that I was, but I am still here to listen. I'm still here to give you all the strength to be true to yourself without the influence of alcohol. I will hold your hand, and tell you that everything is going to be alright.

Jumping on to an entirely different topic: Infidelity.

I know many people who end relationships because of a third party...AND I HONESTLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN ENVELOPE THEIR RELATIONSHIPS IN DISHONESTY AND DECEPTION.

When you no longer love your girlfriend/boyfriend, break up, move on and try to figure out what or who you really want. Everybody has that choice, right? So what's keeping you? Because he/she loves you so bad and you don't want to hurt him/her? Well, f*** you. Just admit that having another one on the side boosts your ego. Drop the I'm-taken-for-granted act and admit that you're just a self-centered egotistical prick.

I talked to a friend the other night, and I asked him why guys who discovers that their present girlfriends are seeing somebody else don't break up with the girls. He actually had an answer. He said that guys don't break it up because they want to get even. Instead of wallowing in their sorrow, they take it up as a challenge and prove to the girl that if she can do it, then he can, too. Talk about a healthy relationship.

And you know what, that totally broke my heart. Love doesn't make a lot of sense nowadays. It's like, it's just a theory and the more I try to prove that it still has its essence in this generation of lies and deception, I believe that gray clouds are hovering above me. They're getting bigger and bigger, as if the storm would come soon enough, hard and unkind, to make me wake up to the reality that people don't know what love means anymore...and I jsut have to accept that.

Deep inside me, I know I can't. I still cannot pretend that I want to stay with somebody because he's there.

When you get involved with someone, what do you think of? Do you even think about the odds of a long-lasting relationship? Or do you still even consider the true meaning of saying 'I love you'?

I don't know. I may be a hopeless romantic, but at least you know that when I say I love somebody, I really do.

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And the reason why I wrote this...

The friend I talked to was someone I used to love for a very long time. The answer he gave me proved what a fool I've been. His girlfriend cheated on him...he met me...I thought he was unattached...I fell...it didn't last long before I found out the truth. He got back together with her, and their still together now.

I was the revenge.

My goodness. Despite all effort to maintain a happy disposition, there will always be people who would try to ruin that almost perfect mood. I know I have the choice to not get affected, but how could I not be affected when it is my integrity that's at stake? I'm not perfect. I know that. I have a lot of flaws...but at least I'm trying...don't I deserve any respect? Or is this simply the curse for being a woman?

I remember asking my dad a few years back if it would be okay for him if I expressed my views on sexuality. (You see, we're the father and daughter type who talked about a lot of things while driving on the way home or while watching the evening news...as in our topics would range from politics, economics up to the latest showbiz announcement.) Then, I told him that I was a feminist, although not a radical one. And he didn't react negatively, as I imagined. In fact, he accepted it. I think that's why he never questions my decisions whenever it came to boy-matters. He does ask me questions like, "What's wrong with this one?" or, "Why don't you like him?". Sometimes I think he has lost his patience in me having a relationship. Isn't that just the oddest thing?! While I was studying, they were strict in telling me that my studies needed to come first, but then right after graduation, he was asking me if there was anybody I wanted to introduce to him. Well, up to now, there isn't anybody that I have introduced to him. Let's just say I haven't been in that situation wherein the guy was worthy to be introduced to my father. The good thing, though, is that he has accepted my decision to delay anything that has to do with my love life for now. I have actually asked his permission to grant me the freedom not to haste myself into falling in love with anybody as of the moment.

There are times when I just wish I could meet a guy who wouldn't take me as a challenge, just some kind of added spice in his polygamous life.

I don't want to have a boyfriend just because everybody else does.

I don't want to settle for a guy who would stop courting you just because you're already a couple.

I don't want to act as if I'm in love just to prove to the whole world that my love life is going perfectly smooth.

I don't want to pretend holding a person's hand just because he held mine.

I still do want to love someone...because I truly, honestly do.

Sigh. Can I just say that today I am happy. I don't know why, but I am. It's like today is one of those days when peace of mind has come into my soul, and I have gladly accepted it.

While walking down Dela Costa Street this morning, as I was on my way to GT Tower for the day's training, a realization struck me: People all want to know the truth, but what we fail to conceive is whether or not we could handle the truth.

I'm not saying that I am pro-dishonesty. I am not. All I tried to figured out was what we do after we find out the truth.

How do you handle the fact that the one you love could never love you? Or, that despite your attempt to become beautiful by wearing make-up or signatured clothes, you will never look like that model, whose page you tore out from a magazine and now you keep inside your wallet. Or, this reality that happiness is never permanent...only fleeting, and meant to be held through mere memories.

I have tried to accept that, throughout my constant search for truths, there are no absolute truths as to how we should go about life. In this ever-changing world, the only thing constant is God's existence and omnipotence. Nothing could seem to ever change that, as everything else seems to transform and vary every single day.

Life is about struggling, and winning over the little deaths. It's about discovering your full potential to become a Servant of Love, amidst the many temptations to become a follower of enmity. Whatever truth you discover, especially when it leads to the realization of more suffering, breathe slowly, then prepare yourself for a quest...because you're in a for a journey towards finding meaning in suffering.

One of the many things I have learned all throughout my 23 years of existence is this: the world may be unfair but making the journey worthwhile is up to us.

There came a point in my life when I almost gave up due to the disappointment of finding out about the harshness of reality. I still distinctly remember looking outside my high school classrom, at the field outside, and wondering about what the "real" world offered. You see, before college, my entire being was sheltered, uncorrupted, naive, and ignorant about the world outside the fences of MC, as well as beyond the walls of my home. Where I grew up, everything was peaceful, tranquil, filled with good memories, and wrapped in honesty. I was anxious at what the future held for me then, so innocent in believing that my values were enough so as for me not to be influenced by what I was taught to be immoral and superficial. I kept on convincing myself that my will was stronger than any other worldly artificiality, and that I could survive amidst all the chaos and deception.

However, in all honesty, I admit that the moment came when I just lost it. Every principle instilled, each wise adage told, adn all warnings were for quite sometime forgotten. I opened my door and welcomed all sorts of forces which slowly pulled me towards disillusion. I became jaded and corrupted, up to the point of becoming someone I wasn't. It took me 4 years to experience everything to make me open up my eyes to the entire truth...about life.

There are still some things that I don't understand. Sometimes I still get exhausted from thinking too much, in trying to conjure up explanations for things that have no rationalizations at all. Things are never what they seem... and life is just as it is, the way it has been, and the way it should be.

I am now thankful for the failures. No longer regretting the mistakes I have made...have learned how to forgive, and have freed myself from all the pain.

So, does that make me a better person?

Perhaps.

But you know what's more significant?

It is having found myself...and the comfort in knowing that somehow, in some way, my true self will keep on finding itself even when it may lose its way.

There is a history lying underneath the sheets, not that of bare vulgarity, but that of sweet and tempted innocence: an innocence bestowed upon our then cherubed souls, but we allowed to drift away, only to be sought again.

This story is a story of truthful contentment and of simple happiness, free from all the complexities of paradoxical definition.

This story is not at all mine, but ours.

Remember how our mother used to tuck us into bed when we were little? Maybe some of us have forgotten, as our memories have been clouded with recollections of being misunderstood and misguided, or because we may have been just toddlers then, still unable to store those deeds in retrospect, yet I still do believe that our mothers have done this for us.

And then remember when we wished we were old enough to do the things we wanted to do, without anybody telling us not to? That was the time when our mothers have stopped tucking us into bed, and I fear that this wish has come to materialize. We have come to the point of believing that we can be independent, that our actions need no guidance, and that we can stand on our own.

However, the reality exists that we cannot survive on our own, and we can only but surmise that we do not need anybody, because the fact remains that we wish somehow somebody would tuck us into bed once more, to somewhat cast away all the fears and comfort us in times of confusion, or that we could wake up at the sight of our loved one's face and feel that we are truly loved back.

Life used to nestle us in pure innocence until we allowed to lose our grip on it, out of haste to immerse ourselves in living life those ahead of us have. The consequence of aging and the burden of becoming an individual all our own has dawned upon us, leaving us more lost than we once thought we were, as the search in finding the person that we used to be has become a tiresome voyage, sometimes even hopeless.

Throughout the years, our beds have cradled us, without judgment nor blinded prejudice. Since childhood, our pillows have absorbed our dreams and swallowed our nightmares. What have become of us now? If only our beds and sheets could speak, these perhaps know us much more than we know ourselves: our deepest secrets, our most hidden fears, our innermost sufferings.

And yet, as we grow old, we lose respect for ourselves, albeit the continuous desire of becoming the person we always wanted to be. Our pillows still catch our dreams and nightmares, along with the tears that trickle down our cheeks, but we do not gather enough courage to become like a child anymore. We seem to have no intentions of bringing back the innocence underneath the sheets, because perhaps we are contented to feel the warmth, to get us through one cold night. Is there no more sense in at least trying to rekindle the light of innocence? Is there no point in bringing back that childish enthusiasm that once pervaded our being?

There is a shallow understanding of life, a comprehension limited by truths that have been passed on for generation, yet what kind of life would we have if living was based on mere knowledge and not out of our own experience? Life cannot be dictated by fate, much more by other mortals.

**************************

I want to live life as if I were still unjaded and uncorrupted by such a venomous decade. I want to wake up as if each day were new...And so when the angel of death comes for me, as I lie underneath the sheets, I want it to bear witness to the life that I lived, to this conquest in finding back that innocence...to this history... and in knowing that I tried to live and die the good fight.

I am 23 years old, yet I feel this is my beginning, only a beginning, to prepare for an ending to my side of the story.

My Life.

I have this really strange feeling that I'm going to die because of brain cancer. I don't know why, but I think that's how I'm going to die. Even when the fortune teller sitting along Faura told me that I was going to live long, I don't think he's quite right.

If I trust my instincts, I do believe that I am going to die because of a tumor in my brain that would block all my capacity to think, to move, to live. As I wouldn't be able to lift even a finger, either out of depression or out of the fact that my nerves aren't responding anymore, I think I would consider euthanasia as a better option. I don't want to die slow. If life had to be taken out of me, I'd rather go fast, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye kind of fast, rather than watch the seasons pass me by with the feeling of being so useless getting heavier as I desperately try to breathe.

Ah, breathing. I've always thought this was a pathetic excuse to go through life. I mean, we wake up each morning. We go to work or school. We do whatever it is we think that would make us happy, contented, fulfilled, even at peace with ourselves. But, heck, does life revolve around these alone? What more if I knew my days were counted, and the only way to spend them was to lie down in a hospital bed...how unfulfilling is that?

You know what's ironic? This is. Here I am writing about my death, complaining about my life being meaningless, yet I am not doing anything to make it more meaningful. I know that there are a lot of things we can do to attain completeness, and if I am just patient enough, I'll get to obtain them. However, there are moments when the pull of not moving on is stronger than the will to continue. Tell me, why is it always easier to give up? Or better yet, tell me why do we always want the easiest way out?

I won't be a hypocrite, though. I do want the easiest way out.

- written 09/28/2005

I am woman.
Eve.
Mother Earth.
I am woman.

I am not Barbie.
Toy.
Plastic.
I am not Barbie.

'Nuf said.
-----------------------

It's just Wednesday. Darn.
I hope it's Friday already.

My eyes are burning from looking at the pc 24/7. Well, not really 24/7, but it does feel like it. Hell! Even as I close my eyes, I can see blinking lights. Then, there's the nauseaous feeling every afternoon. Good thing the pink spots have gone! It's really embarrasing, especially the marks that formed at my neck. I've been to the clinic a couple of times although I've been really stubborn not to follow the nurse. She told me to go to Patient's First and have a doctor look at me. Although I was feeling all these weird things, I still didn't go. It's a waste of time, I told myself.

But, alas, my mother has been pushing me, as well. She's worried in a way, because I'm not that energetic as I used to be. She's afraid the fatigue is going to make me sick...or has already made me sick. I'm just really good at hiding it, but mothers know it when their children are down in the dumps.

Nowadays, when I get home in the evening, I go straight to my room, play Jennifer Love Hewitt's first cd, then just sit for a while in my bed. As in, just sit. Although I push myself to stop thinking, my efforts are futile. So, when I'm fed up with all the thoughts racing through my head, I would grab the towel hanging on my door, and go take a bath. Somehow, it doesn't matter if I haven't rested enough after a long day. All I want is to hear the water running, to feel it wetting my skin, and to whisper a prayer to God thanking Him the day finally ended.

I haven't had a decent conversation with my parents for what seemed like ages already. I just usually feel really tired, whether in the morning or in the evening, even to talk. I think it's also due to the fact that I'm restless even as I sleep. I've been dreaming for consecutive nights now, but these are the kind of dreams that leave you weary upon waking up. I think my soul has been doing a lot of travelling...but I haven't found the time to even confront myself...to tell myself that I NEED to have a break.

Oh dear God.

Galing sa blog ni Itchan... at dahil wala rin akong magawa... hehe =)

1. what kind of first impression do you think people say when they first see you?
- nada. i'm common, not a head-turner. i don't make any impressions at all.

2. what's one thing you like to do alone?
- think. stare into space. look at the stars. think...and think more.

3. what is your favorite line to say when you're drunk?
- haven't been drunk before...but when i get tipsy, i don't say anything at all.

(there wasn't a number 4... tamad magbago ng numbering...hehe)

5. how many drinks before you're tipsy?
- 5 bottles of san mig light. that was then. i don't drink anymore.

6. did you ever have to beg?
- when i was in grade 7. i wanted to go to baguio but my parents didn't allow me to go out of town...i cried, so they let me...but my dad suffered a heart attack on his way to thailand during the same weekend. i never begged for anything i wanted ever again.

7. what kind of books do you like to read?
- no preference at all. will read any book from history to poetry. although i said i never read romance novels, there's an exception...only if it was referred by a friend and she insisted that i read it.

8. do you think you're cute?
- nah. i don't really think so.

9. do you have a problem changing clothes in front of your friends?
- only comfortable changing in front of denden, avy, pipay, daryl, fer... other Miriam people.

10. favorite communication method?
- letters.

11. do you care?
- almost about everything and everyone...that's why i'm insane. i seem to make other people's problems mine.

12. what do you eat when you raid the fridge atnight?
- don't do this. would you believe?!

13. describe your bed?
- color red, with hearts as the design. really out of date design, don't you think?

14. spontaneous or planned?
- planned spontaneously! haha

15. do you know how to play poker?
- nope

16. what do you carry with you at all time?
- wallet. cellphone. notebook. comb. pen. my secret weapon inside a smaller bag.

17. what do you miss most about being little?
- playing. you're entitled to live in a world of make-believe where everything goes your way. doing whatever i liked and not being reprimanded because i'm just a kid who doesn't know anything, and who doesn't understand the kind of shit grown-ups go through

18. are you happy with your given name?
- yes. definitely. don't ask me why coz i don't know.

19. how much would it take to give up the internet for 1 year?
- could give up friendster or yahoo, but the internet in general is a different topic. that would be war!!! haha. i live by reading about politics, health and technology from the net.

21. have you ever been in a play?
- yep. in kinder, belonged to the 'Marikit" aliens. then, in grade 2, little red riding hood. and i was a tree. haha. then in high school, i passed the auditions for 'My Town', but came back to my senses when i realized i wasn't up for the stage. totally wrecked my second audition, and said i'd rather work behind the curtains instead.

22. do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
- i do like who i am, though i'm still in the process of learning to love myself as i should

23. do homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
- not really.

24. do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
- i don't know. i think i'm kinder to other people than i am to myself.

25. do you spend more time with your family or your friends?
- the past few months? neither. tsk tsk.

26. what's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
- fly and be the one thing i want to be.

27. what is your ideal marriage location?
- no ideal location. church would be fine...beach would be okay. the important thing is i'm marrying my ideal guy. haha

28. whats one instrument you wish you could play?
- saxophone and violin.

29. something you love and hate?
- hmmm... love and hate at the same time?! it's not a thing. it's a who. haha.

30. what's one language you want to learn?
- just one? that won't do. i wanna learn spanish, german, japanese, french.

31. what do you order at a bar?
- piña colada.

32. have you ever pierced your body parts?
- just the ears

33. do you have any tattoos?
- nope

34. would you admit to getting plastic surgery if confronted?
- nope. you'd have to offer me a zillion dollars before i get plastic surgery.

35. what's one trait you hate in a person?
- uhm, nothing. hatred can give you wrinkles.

36. do you consider yourself materialistic?
- not really, just practical.

37. what do you cook best?
- do brownies get counted?

38. do you cry in front of your friends?
- yes. i can pretend to the whole world, but not in front of my friends.