I never proclaimed myself as good nor religious. I never tell other people I’m better than them nor do I think so. It never occurred to me that I could pass as an angel or a saint. But I do try very hard not to disappoint my parents in terms of living up to the principles they reared me with, though it’s no secret, my life doesn’t assure me possession to the keys of heaven.
That’s why hearing compliments always pressured me. I never really know what to respond when people tell me, “ang bait mo kasi.” Sometimes I cringe and consciously disregard the remark as if it was never mentioned at all, because if I started to live up to that expectation, a single blunder I do may scar and stain my entire character. If I were paper, a really white paper, there will come a time when people won’t see that I am white, because when I commit a wrongdoing, the only thing they’ll notice is that tiny dot of dirt amidst the bigger area that’s white. I am human. I have my faults. Please don’t limit my capacity to make a whole lot of mistakes. Don’t see me as white paper.
(***As a disclaimer, I am not really mabait. I just keep my mouth shut. There’s a whole lot of difference.***)
Not all the time will I understand. Not all the time will I be there for a friend. Not all the time will I be strong, whether for myself or for another. Most of the time I allow myself to succumb to weakness, to allow stronger forces to overpower me for some reason I don’t really know, but I just do. I bind myself to taking risks as long as I know I won’t hurt anybody now or in the near future. I let myself get hurt, yield to liabilites, because only experience can teach me how to get through every shit, and because reality will never be a bed of roses. I’m learning to embrace the thorns, slowly finding out how to breathe impure air, and inexplicably exposing my soul to all the disillusion.
I don’t care if people judge me. We’re all entitled to expressing our own opinions anyway, but sometimes it’s quite disappointing when people whom I’ve considered friends would belittle or underestimate or underrate --- me. And I’m not talking about productivity in terms of work or school or organization, but as a person, an individual, a friend. I can deal with criticisms but what hurts most is when they talk about it behind my back. Don’t they know that I would listen to what they have to say? How come they didn’t tell me these things when I was the principal actor in all their gossip? They should have known better. Well, I guess I should have known better, as well.
Most of the time, I ask myself, do I demand for too much? Do I expect anybody to do huge favors for me? Was my sincerity lacking that’s why they failed to see that my intentions in becoming friends with them was pure? Where could I possibly have gone wrong?
Now, I guess I just want to stop asking questions and end feeling so low about myself whenever issues about friendships disappoint me.
So, it’s either you hate me…or take me for who I am…and if you still want me to be your friend, rest assured, I will accept you for whoever you are…because I know how painful it is to be urged into becoming someone you’re not.
At least now I’m certain who my real friends are. I’m richly blessed to have them.
That’s why hearing compliments always pressured me. I never really know what to respond when people tell me, “ang bait mo kasi.” Sometimes I cringe and consciously disregard the remark as if it was never mentioned at all, because if I started to live up to that expectation, a single blunder I do may scar and stain my entire character. If I were paper, a really white paper, there will come a time when people won’t see that I am white, because when I commit a wrongdoing, the only thing they’ll notice is that tiny dot of dirt amidst the bigger area that’s white. I am human. I have my faults. Please don’t limit my capacity to make a whole lot of mistakes. Don’t see me as white paper.
(***As a disclaimer, I am not really mabait. I just keep my mouth shut. There’s a whole lot of difference.***)
Not all the time will I understand. Not all the time will I be there for a friend. Not all the time will I be strong, whether for myself or for another. Most of the time I allow myself to succumb to weakness, to allow stronger forces to overpower me for some reason I don’t really know, but I just do. I bind myself to taking risks as long as I know I won’t hurt anybody now or in the near future. I let myself get hurt, yield to liabilites, because only experience can teach me how to get through every shit, and because reality will never be a bed of roses. I’m learning to embrace the thorns, slowly finding out how to breathe impure air, and inexplicably exposing my soul to all the disillusion.
I don’t care if people judge me. We’re all entitled to expressing our own opinions anyway, but sometimes it’s quite disappointing when people whom I’ve considered friends would belittle or underestimate or underrate --- me. And I’m not talking about productivity in terms of work or school or organization, but as a person, an individual, a friend. I can deal with criticisms but what hurts most is when they talk about it behind my back. Don’t they know that I would listen to what they have to say? How come they didn’t tell me these things when I was the principal actor in all their gossip? They should have known better. Well, I guess I should have known better, as well.
Most of the time, I ask myself, do I demand for too much? Do I expect anybody to do huge favors for me? Was my sincerity lacking that’s why they failed to see that my intentions in becoming friends with them was pure? Where could I possibly have gone wrong?
Now, I guess I just want to stop asking questions and end feeling so low about myself whenever issues about friendships disappoint me.
So, it’s either you hate me…or take me for who I am…and if you still want me to be your friend, rest assured, I will accept you for whoever you are…because I know how painful it is to be urged into becoming someone you’re not.
At least now I’m certain who my real friends are. I’m richly blessed to have them.
