I have this really strange feeling that I'm going to die because of brain cancer. I don't know why, but I think that's how I'm going to die. Even when the fortune teller sitting along Faura told me that I was going to live long, I don't think he's quite right.

If I trust my instincts, I do believe that I am going to die because of a tumor in my brain that would block all my capacity to think, to move, to live. As I wouldn't be able to lift even a finger, either out of depression or out of the fact that my nerves aren't responding anymore, I think I would consider euthanasia as a better option. I don't want to die slow. If life had to be taken out of me, I'd rather go fast, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye kind of fast, rather than watch the seasons pass me by with the feeling of being so useless getting heavier as I desperately try to breathe.

Ah, breathing. I've always thought this was a pathetic excuse to go through life. I mean, we wake up each morning. We go to work or school. We do whatever it is we think that would make us happy, contented, fulfilled, even at peace with ourselves. But, heck, does life revolve around these alone? What more if I knew my days were counted, and the only way to spend them was to lie down in a hospital bed...how unfulfilling is that?

You know what's ironic? This is. Here I am writing about my death, complaining about my life being meaningless, yet I am not doing anything to make it more meaningful. I know that there are a lot of things we can do to attain completeness, and if I am just patient enough, I'll get to obtain them. However, there are moments when the pull of not moving on is stronger than the will to continue. Tell me, why is it always easier to give up? Or better yet, tell me why do we always want the easiest way out?

I won't be a hypocrite, though. I do want the easiest way out.

- written 09/28/2005

I am woman.
Eve.
Mother Earth.
I am woman.

I am not Barbie.
Toy.
Plastic.
I am not Barbie.

'Nuf said.
-----------------------

It's just Wednesday. Darn.
I hope it's Friday already.

My eyes are burning from looking at the pc 24/7. Well, not really 24/7, but it does feel like it. Hell! Even as I close my eyes, I can see blinking lights. Then, there's the nauseaous feeling every afternoon. Good thing the pink spots have gone! It's really embarrasing, especially the marks that formed at my neck. I've been to the clinic a couple of times although I've been really stubborn not to follow the nurse. She told me to go to Patient's First and have a doctor look at me. Although I was feeling all these weird things, I still didn't go. It's a waste of time, I told myself.

But, alas, my mother has been pushing me, as well. She's worried in a way, because I'm not that energetic as I used to be. She's afraid the fatigue is going to make me sick...or has already made me sick. I'm just really good at hiding it, but mothers know it when their children are down in the dumps.

Nowadays, when I get home in the evening, I go straight to my room, play Jennifer Love Hewitt's first cd, then just sit for a while in my bed. As in, just sit. Although I push myself to stop thinking, my efforts are futile. So, when I'm fed up with all the thoughts racing through my head, I would grab the towel hanging on my door, and go take a bath. Somehow, it doesn't matter if I haven't rested enough after a long day. All I want is to hear the water running, to feel it wetting my skin, and to whisper a prayer to God thanking Him the day finally ended.

I haven't had a decent conversation with my parents for what seemed like ages already. I just usually feel really tired, whether in the morning or in the evening, even to talk. I think it's also due to the fact that I'm restless even as I sleep. I've been dreaming for consecutive nights now, but these are the kind of dreams that leave you weary upon waking up. I think my soul has been doing a lot of travelling...but I haven't found the time to even confront myself...to tell myself that I NEED to have a break.

Oh dear God.

Galing sa blog ni Itchan... at dahil wala rin akong magawa... hehe =)

1. what kind of first impression do you think people say when they first see you?
- nada. i'm common, not a head-turner. i don't make any impressions at all.

2. what's one thing you like to do alone?
- think. stare into space. look at the stars. think...and think more.

3. what is your favorite line to say when you're drunk?
- haven't been drunk before...but when i get tipsy, i don't say anything at all.

(there wasn't a number 4... tamad magbago ng numbering...hehe)

5. how many drinks before you're tipsy?
- 5 bottles of san mig light. that was then. i don't drink anymore.

6. did you ever have to beg?
- when i was in grade 7. i wanted to go to baguio but my parents didn't allow me to go out of town...i cried, so they let me...but my dad suffered a heart attack on his way to thailand during the same weekend. i never begged for anything i wanted ever again.

7. what kind of books do you like to read?
- no preference at all. will read any book from history to poetry. although i said i never read romance novels, there's an exception...only if it was referred by a friend and she insisted that i read it.

8. do you think you're cute?
- nah. i don't really think so.

9. do you have a problem changing clothes in front of your friends?
- only comfortable changing in front of denden, avy, pipay, daryl, fer... other Miriam people.

10. favorite communication method?
- letters.

11. do you care?
- almost about everything and everyone...that's why i'm insane. i seem to make other people's problems mine.

12. what do you eat when you raid the fridge atnight?
- don't do this. would you believe?!

13. describe your bed?
- color red, with hearts as the design. really out of date design, don't you think?

14. spontaneous or planned?
- planned spontaneously! haha

15. do you know how to play poker?
- nope

16. what do you carry with you at all time?
- wallet. cellphone. notebook. comb. pen. my secret weapon inside a smaller bag.

17. what do you miss most about being little?
- playing. you're entitled to live in a world of make-believe where everything goes your way. doing whatever i liked and not being reprimanded because i'm just a kid who doesn't know anything, and who doesn't understand the kind of shit grown-ups go through

18. are you happy with your given name?
- yes. definitely. don't ask me why coz i don't know.

19. how much would it take to give up the internet for 1 year?
- could give up friendster or yahoo, but the internet in general is a different topic. that would be war!!! haha. i live by reading about politics, health and technology from the net.

21. have you ever been in a play?
- yep. in kinder, belonged to the 'Marikit" aliens. then, in grade 2, little red riding hood. and i was a tree. haha. then in high school, i passed the auditions for 'My Town', but came back to my senses when i realized i wasn't up for the stage. totally wrecked my second audition, and said i'd rather work behind the curtains instead.

22. do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
- i do like who i am, though i'm still in the process of learning to love myself as i should

23. do homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
- not really.

24. do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
- i don't know. i think i'm kinder to other people than i am to myself.

25. do you spend more time with your family or your friends?
- the past few months? neither. tsk tsk.

26. what's one thing you wish you could do but can't?
- fly and be the one thing i want to be.

27. what is your ideal marriage location?
- no ideal location. church would be fine...beach would be okay. the important thing is i'm marrying my ideal guy. haha

28. whats one instrument you wish you could play?
- saxophone and violin.

29. something you love and hate?
- hmmm... love and hate at the same time?! it's not a thing. it's a who. haha.

30. what's one language you want to learn?
- just one? that won't do. i wanna learn spanish, german, japanese, french.

31. what do you order at a bar?
- piña colada.

32. have you ever pierced your body parts?
- just the ears

33. do you have any tattoos?
- nope

34. would you admit to getting plastic surgery if confronted?
- nope. you'd have to offer me a zillion dollars before i get plastic surgery.

35. what's one trait you hate in a person?
- uhm, nothing. hatred can give you wrinkles.

36. do you consider yourself materialistic?
- not really, just practical.

37. what do you cook best?
- do brownies get counted?

38. do you cry in front of your friends?
- yes. i can pretend to the whole world, but not in front of my friends.

Found my smile...even for just a while...

Somebody made my heart skip a beat today. Was quite unusual really. I haven't felt that way for a long time now, and I almost thought I wasn't capable of feeling that way again.

But...

He had that smile, a smile that would make any girl fall head over heels in love with him, yet I feel he doesn't think so. And that quiet laugh, almost a whisper, seemed to ring in my ear even when I'm listening to loud music now. But besides the smile and the laugh is the attitude. With head bent down, he doesn't realize the impact he has. Seems as if he lacks confidence, as if he thinks no girl would dare give him a second look, yet, there was this girl who kept trying to get his attention...and then there was me secretly gazing at his direction, wondering why he thought he would never be good enough. It amazed me even more when he didn't flirt with the girl who was obviously flirting with him.

And then, these words came out of his mouth, "Ms. Peneyra, right?"

The silence in me was broken, and my heart smiled. He knew my surname. I saw that smile again.

We're not gonna see each other anymore...I don't even know his name...but it really doesn't matter. God knew I needed an angel to come by my way. And that smile just proved he was my end-of-the-week angel.

This certainly is a good end of the week for me.

Song for the Month : Crestfallen - Smashing Pumpkins

Who am I to need you when I'm down

Where are you when I need you around

Your life is not your own

And all I ask you

Is for another chance

Another way around you

To live by circumstance, once again

Who am I to need you now

To ask you why to tell you no

To deserve your love and sympathy

You were never meant to belong to me

And you may go, but I know you won't leave

Too many years built into memories

Your life is not your own

Who am I to need you now

To ask you why to tell you no

To deserve your love and sympathy

You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I to you?

Along the way

I lost my faith

And as you were, you'll be again

To mold like clay, to break like dirt

To tear me up in your sympathy

You were never meant to belong to me

You were never meant to belong to me

You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I?

It's been a while. Couldn't actually believe how a month could fly by so fast, but it has, and months will keep on flying us by. I haven't seen my bestfriend in what seems like ages already and I just feel drained. Sigh. I wonder how all my friends are doing.
**********************************

I've cut down on smoking. Good thing, right? But I've been getting depressed over the past few days, and just restless. I'm thinking that this might probably be a withdrawal symptom or something. Did you know that studies show it will take 3 to 5 attempts before a person can completely quit smoking? I'm currently on my third attempt, so does that mean I'm not really quitting now? Haha.
*****************************************

I almost had a potential crush, but after the Townhall last Tuesday, the infatuation perished. And now, I am back to being plain because I don't look forward to seeing him anymore. It's actually fascinating how the feeling disappeared so soon. If I remember correctly, the day I realized he gave me butterflies in my stomach was about 3 weeks ago, and just like that, it disappeared. Maybe, I thought I could push myself to like someone again...but I see it's still too soon.
***************************************************

On a more serious note...
I asked my mom when my dad planned to have his operation, and I got no direct reply. She said my dad was having second thoughts. After all the operations he went through before (4 kidney operations, 1 gallbladder operation, and 3 bypass operations), why is he nervous now? When I heard that, I just wanted to breakdown and cry. I think I did. For you see, I couldn't figure out what my dad intended to do with his inflamed kidney. Then, my mom added that another operation might be bad for his heart. That's when I saw my dad's dilemma. So, I cried even more...and seemed to have held the rosary more tightly when we prayed. But, of course, my parents never saw me looking worried. I have no answer now on what to do... all I can seem to do is ask for everyone's prayers.
************************************

I'm no longer a child. This realization has struck me for the millionth time. Try as I may to bring back every reality I had before, these only serve as mere glimpses now, somewhat like a dream that has faded, engulfed by a smoke. Sometimes, I stare into space thinking about how many humps I've gone through, yet older people would tell me that I still have a lot to experience. It makes me wonder most of the time as to whether or not I can still muster enough strength to keep moving on, because there are days when I feel as if every ounce of will to actually move on has been exhausted out of me. I just feel completely drained.

Elaborate on the existing facts, but do not attempt to see any difference from the then and now. I came into this world, thus I am but a child, and the universe determines who I am, where I will be, and whatever life I'd have...

Or not have.

Death. Such sweet companion.

Burn me down. Scatter my ashes.

Should it matter?

This breathing excuse. This daylight-torn realism.

It should, but it doesn't.

I don't know why. I don't wanna ask why.

I am alive, though I feel mostly dead.
I am intoxicated, though I feel almost purified.
I am...I am not. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Welcome to my inexistence.

Be as careless as you wanna be.

For you. Read on. I'm sorry.

Dear ------------,


This may probably be the very first time you're going to read my blog, and be surprised that I even have one. It is your decision whether or not to read everything from this recent post up to the oldest one, because I have to warn you that most posts here are about you. Yes, about you (but of course, your identity has been concealed...they don't know you)...and about me...and about how the only way I could deal with this was through an outpour of my emotions by writing, not minding what anybody would think, not really giving a care if one day you come across a post that only showed how much I hated you.


When I saw you the other day, I couldn't look at you. Everytime I tried to look at how you've changed, I felt as if a hundred ten-wheeler trucks kept hitting me over and over again. No, there wasn't really much pain, only resentment and regret. That's when I asked myself, "how could I have let you break down the wall I built around myself?" and "how could you have taken advantage of the trust I never gave away to anybody?" I knew these were rhetorical questions, but they ran on my mind still.


I still want you out of my life rather than be a hypocritical martyr, pretending I will be okay around you...because now I know that I will never be alright as long as I know you and your ghost will keep haunting me. You hurt me. Deep. I thought I could forgive you, but I couldn't. I'm already having a difficult time forgiving myself so maybe there's just no strength in me to forgive you. Ever. I really want you out of my life.


I wanted to make you feel all the hurt you caused me. I wanted you to have all those sleepless nights. I wanted your heart to bleed, the way you slashed mine. I wanted you to feel so lost, so unwanted, so unloved, and so depressed you think life is but a waste. I wanted you to go through everything I went through...but I couldn't. For you see, to cause you hurt causes my hurt to become deeper. I want you to become happy, but do not believe that you can be happy by having me as your friend, because I will keep on running away from you. I will only keep on telling you that I want you out of my life. I want to be out of your life.


It surprised me how you asked me last night why I was bitter. I was surprised because after everything I told you, you never understood the intensity of the pain and hurt...and that's when I realized you could never understand it. You weren't in the situation then...and the only thing that mattered to you was you had me. You HAD me. Not anymore. Just when I thought I knew you, I have discerned that I only blinded myself, led myself to believe that I knew you. And it is such a pity that although I opened myself up to you, you never took the chance to get to know me. Admit it. All that you know about me remains on the surface. That's how important I was to you. That's how much value you gave me.


Don't be disheartened because you lost me. Don't be sad because you feel that the friendship has been wasted. There wasn't any friendship at all in the beginning, was there? We failed to establish that, remember? Maybe we both allowed ourselves to become swept away. I know I did because I saw in a dream it was you who beguiled my heart. I chose you. You chose someone else. Don't be sad now that you've totally lost me. You have the memories. You can even have the ones I have because I never want to look back. And let me just say that when we both think we could start the friendship now, it is a bit too late. I could never think of you as a friend. I could never be your friend, because I will always hold this grudge against you, and hate you because your actions made me lose faith in love.


You said: "The hardest thing to do when moving on is to not look back."
I can do this. I don't want to look back, because the hardest thing for me to do now that I'm moving on is to look back. I have burned every single thing that reminds me of you, literally, both in reality and in my mind.


I said: "Do you take pleasure in making me miserable?"
That did it, didn't it? Those words actually made my attempt to shoo you away be successful.


After all these years, this is the first time you made me completely happy. It's not that I'm not grateful for the flowers you gave, or for the CD you made, or for the time you spent talking to me, or for that under the moonlight conversation, or for all the times you may have stood up for me, but honestly, from the moment we met up until last night, when you said you wouldn't call me anymore, it was the only time that you actually made me happy, because it was something I knew I wanted, something I asked you to do, something I would never think of as a mistake. Thank you.


It's Me,
Maddy

Today is a day for grievance. My heart mourns for the loss of an admirable man, one who kept his feet on the ground, despite his reputation being way above the skies.

Raul Roco was fetched by angels this morning.

Let us all pray for him and his family.

nang sumikat ang araw sa dakong paroon,
isang umaga ang aking nasilayan...
kay tagal ng panahon bago ko naintindihan
ang init na bumabalot sa bilog na apoy

mabigat ang dinadala ngunit patuloy na nagbibigay
nakikinig, nakikidalamhati...
nasasaktan subalit nagtitiis,
patuloy na nagbibigay ng init, ng pagmamahal
umiiyak, sumasamong matapos na ang lahat
subalit sa gitna nito'y pinipilit maging matatag
para sa kanya, para sa kanya...
hindi para sa sarili...hindi para sa akin

ikaw ang araw niya,
ang nagbibigay ng buhay,
ang nagpapasabog ng kinang,
ang nag-aalay ng init na lulan ng pag-ibig

siya ang iyong buwan,
ang nagbibigay liwanag sa iyong mundong madilim,
ang kumakalinga tuwing ika'y naninimdim,
ang nagsisilbing pag-asa sa buhay mo

Patalastas – isang pagninilaynilay

mabigat ang dinadala ngunit patuloy na nagbibigay
nakikinig, nakikidalamhati...
nasasaktan subalit nagtitiis,
patuloy na nagbibigay ng init, ng pagmamahal
umiiyak, sumasamong matapos na ang lahat
subalit sa gitna nito'y pinipilit maging matatag
para sa iyo, para sa iyo...
hindi para sa sarili...hindi para sa akin

ako ang iyong araw, ang iyong buwan, ang iyong bituin
subalit mistulang ika'y naliligaw sa ibang kalawakan
tila hindi napapansin ang init na dumadaloy mula sa akin
pagkat siya ang inaasam mo, siya ang nais mo

nang sumikat ang araw sa dakong paroon,
natagpuan ang aking hangganan
kay tagal na panahon bago ko naintindihan...
ang apoy, mula man sa nagsisilab na damdamin
ay maaaring mahawi, kung hindi inalagaan,
kung hindi inaruga, kung hindi pinahalagahan...

ako ngayo'y hangin na lamang
minsan mong nadama ang init ng aking pagmamahal
minsan kong naisip na manatili
ngunit kaibigan, sa ating buhay, ako'y nakatakdang dumaan lamang

ako ang iyong araw, ako ang iyong buwan, ako ang iyong bituin
nasa langit, dumudungaw…

ako ang iyong araw, ako ang iyong buwan, ako ang iyong bituin
nasa langit, iyo ngayong tinitingala…
pilit inaabot, pilit hinihila pababa sa lupa
pagkat ako ang iyong araw...
ang iyong buwan
ang iyong bituin…

pagkat ako ang kaibigang umibig, nagpakabulag…
hindi para sa kung sinuman,
kundi para sa iyo.

Discover yourself. Look in the mirror and face the monster you have created, the demon that could never be pushed away because it resides deep within you, farther than the depth you intended it to be in. Though you try to pinch yourself, you could never wake up from this nightmare, and the screams that you hear every night will shatter the glass you have built around yourself for protection. It's all futile, you see. There is nothing you could do, but live here, now, and keep on fearing tomorrow like a child hiding with knees bent and shaking in that dark corner of the room.

Confess. You cannot escape the intensity of your sins. You are a ball of fire ready to explode into oblivion, and the broken pieces of you will have no place in heaven. Purgatory will spit you out of its confused inexistence. You have no place, wherever.

Turn the hands of time. You will still end up this way.

I may smile, but the mask I wear is an iron rod burning my skin...
and it will not be lifted until my ashes get blown by the wind.

Great...just great...

Actually couldn't believe this. First time I stayed in the office overnight...and I have accomplished only 1/2 of what I actually have to do. (I think.) In full honesty, I have no idea what I'm doing or where this is going.

You might say I'm stupid and stubborn for doing this to myself. Why am I allowing a multinational company make a slave out of me for their own profiteering ways? Because that's how it has to be. I wasn't born rich. I was born poor, meant to toil hard and reap little fruits.

I need to get a shut-eye now. I only need to wait for 2 hours before daylight...then, I can go home.

Heaven is definitely here on earth. Anai took this shot. It's heavenly, isn't it?

This is picture perfect!!! Feel the breeze while on a yacht...hehehehe as if... =)

With Abby, Janjan, Ivan and Anai!!! =)

Dinner at White Beach =)

What is more truly essential in life?

You'll never really know until you've got it in your hands, and then watch it slowly slip through your fingers. I think most of us regret losing things, or even people. You know, when we fail to keep them, simply because we become engrossed with our own lives that we forget how to value blessings sent our way.

It's been quite a tedious cycle, hasn't it? We cry over spilt milk even when our parents and friends have told us a million times not to. We need to be strong, they say, but what I've realized over the past few years is this: I am stronger than what they think I am, despite the many tears I've cried in front of them or behind them. Indeed, I have regretted letting go of people, of deciding that not being a part of their lives was best, and of choosing a different path other than that of which they tread, but all throughout these experiences, through all the many, many tears I've shed, I have managed to see my life in the bigger picture. I have succeeded in taking the first step into taking control of this life, and not, of life taking control over me.

I guess, although I have lost some friends and some of the things I dearly valued, there has been a greater exchange, one of the lessons in life that I never would have gotten if I kept holding on: nothing in this life is mine. Even the life I have is merely borrowed, and this is a reality I have known since I was a kid. My grandmother has brought us up in such a way that our fear in the Lord is so great, but above of all, our gratitude for this opportunity to breathe and live and fall in love has been greater. It has been fairly instilled in me that the life I live is not my own, but of Christ's. The years that I spend here on earth must then be spent according to how He would have lived, full of compassion, full of love. My being human is not an excuse, for in His eyes, I could always try. Though I may not succeed, at least, I gave it my best shot.

So, what is more truly essential in life?

This is a thought that should have not included any comparison at all.

What is truly essential in life?

Life itself.

Pagninilaynilay

Martes na naman. Hindi ko man lang namalayang lumipas ang isa pang buwan. Walang nagbago. Walang nag-iba. Araw-araw, iisa lang ang takbo ng buhay ko...papunta saan? Ewan. Hindi ko alam.

Ang nakalipas na mga araw ay tila isang panaginip, mistulang eksena sa pelikulang hindi ko mapahalagahan. Siguro kulang lang ako sa tulog, pero kabilang na nga ako sa samahan ng MASA (Masandal Tulog). Ilang beses ko ng napatunayang sandali ko lamang matatakasan ang realidad sa pamamagitan ng pagpikit ng aking mga mata at pagsarado sa kung anumang maaaring gumimbal sa aking kasalukuyan. Kailangan ko na namang tanggapin na ito ang buhay...ngayon ang bukas, ngayon ang kahapon...ang nakaraan ay minsan ng naging kasalukuyan, ngunit akin lamang pinalipas nang walang pagbabakasakali, nang hindi man lang naisip kung saan nga ba tutungo.

Ako ay isang manlalakbay, uhaw sa kaalaman, gutom sa karunungang makapagbibigay kalutasan sa sa hindi maipaliwanag na kakulangan. Nakasabit lang ba ako sa isang baging handang bumigay? Matapos ba ng paghihirap at pagtitiis, malalaglag lang sa bangin ng kasinungalingan at pagkukunwari? O ang paglalakbay na ito'y mayroong patutunguhan?

Untitled II

mapapatawad pa ba sa gitna ng pag-aalinlangan?
matututunan pa kayang pagkatiwalaan matapos ang mga kasinungalingan?
o magiging manlalakbay na puno ng poot at hinagpis
mula sa nakaraan, isang nakaraang humihila sa iyong mga paa...

tulala at nagkukunwari…
tila nananahimik, subalit hindi mapakali…
sa pagdilat ng mga mata, unti-unting nabasa ang mga labi
ng mga luhang tumutulo sa iyong mga pisngi...

hanggang kailan mananatili ang pag-asa?
hanggang saan ang dapat tahakin bago maghilom ang sakit?

hanggang kaya mo pa, hanggang humihinga pa
hanggang kaya pa, hanggang nagmamahal pa