I'm no longer a child. This realization has struck me for the millionth time. Try as I may to bring back every reality I had before, these only serve as mere glimpses now, somewhat like a dream that has faded, engulfed by a smoke. Sometimes, I stare into space thinking about how many humps I've gone through, yet older people would tell me that I still have a lot to experience. It makes me wonder most of the time as to whether or not I can still muster enough strength to keep moving on, because there are days when I feel as if every ounce of will to actually move on has been exhausted out of me. I just feel completely drained.

Elaborate on the existing facts, but do not attempt to see any difference from the then and now. I came into this world, thus I am but a child, and the universe determines who I am, where I will be, and whatever life I'd have...

Or not have.

Death. Such sweet companion.

Burn me down. Scatter my ashes.

Should it matter?

This breathing excuse. This daylight-torn realism.

It should, but it doesn't.

I don't know why. I don't wanna ask why.

I am alive, though I feel mostly dead.
I am intoxicated, though I feel almost purified.
I am...I am not. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Welcome to my inexistence.

Be as careless as you wanna be.

For you. Read on. I'm sorry.

Dear ------------,


This may probably be the very first time you're going to read my blog, and be surprised that I even have one. It is your decision whether or not to read everything from this recent post up to the oldest one, because I have to warn you that most posts here are about you. Yes, about you (but of course, your identity has been concealed...they don't know you)...and about me...and about how the only way I could deal with this was through an outpour of my emotions by writing, not minding what anybody would think, not really giving a care if one day you come across a post that only showed how much I hated you.


When I saw you the other day, I couldn't look at you. Everytime I tried to look at how you've changed, I felt as if a hundred ten-wheeler trucks kept hitting me over and over again. No, there wasn't really much pain, only resentment and regret. That's when I asked myself, "how could I have let you break down the wall I built around myself?" and "how could you have taken advantage of the trust I never gave away to anybody?" I knew these were rhetorical questions, but they ran on my mind still.


I still want you out of my life rather than be a hypocritical martyr, pretending I will be okay around you...because now I know that I will never be alright as long as I know you and your ghost will keep haunting me. You hurt me. Deep. I thought I could forgive you, but I couldn't. I'm already having a difficult time forgiving myself so maybe there's just no strength in me to forgive you. Ever. I really want you out of my life.


I wanted to make you feel all the hurt you caused me. I wanted you to have all those sleepless nights. I wanted your heart to bleed, the way you slashed mine. I wanted you to feel so lost, so unwanted, so unloved, and so depressed you think life is but a waste. I wanted you to go through everything I went through...but I couldn't. For you see, to cause you hurt causes my hurt to become deeper. I want you to become happy, but do not believe that you can be happy by having me as your friend, because I will keep on running away from you. I will only keep on telling you that I want you out of my life. I want to be out of your life.


It surprised me how you asked me last night why I was bitter. I was surprised because after everything I told you, you never understood the intensity of the pain and hurt...and that's when I realized you could never understand it. You weren't in the situation then...and the only thing that mattered to you was you had me. You HAD me. Not anymore. Just when I thought I knew you, I have discerned that I only blinded myself, led myself to believe that I knew you. And it is such a pity that although I opened myself up to you, you never took the chance to get to know me. Admit it. All that you know about me remains on the surface. That's how important I was to you. That's how much value you gave me.


Don't be disheartened because you lost me. Don't be sad because you feel that the friendship has been wasted. There wasn't any friendship at all in the beginning, was there? We failed to establish that, remember? Maybe we both allowed ourselves to become swept away. I know I did because I saw in a dream it was you who beguiled my heart. I chose you. You chose someone else. Don't be sad now that you've totally lost me. You have the memories. You can even have the ones I have because I never want to look back. And let me just say that when we both think we could start the friendship now, it is a bit too late. I could never think of you as a friend. I could never be your friend, because I will always hold this grudge against you, and hate you because your actions made me lose faith in love.


You said: "The hardest thing to do when moving on is to not look back."
I can do this. I don't want to look back, because the hardest thing for me to do now that I'm moving on is to look back. I have burned every single thing that reminds me of you, literally, both in reality and in my mind.


I said: "Do you take pleasure in making me miserable?"
That did it, didn't it? Those words actually made my attempt to shoo you away be successful.


After all these years, this is the first time you made me completely happy. It's not that I'm not grateful for the flowers you gave, or for the CD you made, or for the time you spent talking to me, or for that under the moonlight conversation, or for all the times you may have stood up for me, but honestly, from the moment we met up until last night, when you said you wouldn't call me anymore, it was the only time that you actually made me happy, because it was something I knew I wanted, something I asked you to do, something I would never think of as a mistake. Thank you.


It's Me,
Maddy

Today is a day for grievance. My heart mourns for the loss of an admirable man, one who kept his feet on the ground, despite his reputation being way above the skies.

Raul Roco was fetched by angels this morning.

Let us all pray for him and his family.

nang sumikat ang araw sa dakong paroon,
isang umaga ang aking nasilayan...
kay tagal ng panahon bago ko naintindihan
ang init na bumabalot sa bilog na apoy

mabigat ang dinadala ngunit patuloy na nagbibigay
nakikinig, nakikidalamhati...
nasasaktan subalit nagtitiis,
patuloy na nagbibigay ng init, ng pagmamahal
umiiyak, sumasamong matapos na ang lahat
subalit sa gitna nito'y pinipilit maging matatag
para sa kanya, para sa kanya...
hindi para sa sarili...hindi para sa akin

ikaw ang araw niya,
ang nagbibigay ng buhay,
ang nagpapasabog ng kinang,
ang nag-aalay ng init na lulan ng pag-ibig

siya ang iyong buwan,
ang nagbibigay liwanag sa iyong mundong madilim,
ang kumakalinga tuwing ika'y naninimdim,
ang nagsisilbing pag-asa sa buhay mo

Patalastas – isang pagninilaynilay

mabigat ang dinadala ngunit patuloy na nagbibigay
nakikinig, nakikidalamhati...
nasasaktan subalit nagtitiis,
patuloy na nagbibigay ng init, ng pagmamahal
umiiyak, sumasamong matapos na ang lahat
subalit sa gitna nito'y pinipilit maging matatag
para sa iyo, para sa iyo...
hindi para sa sarili...hindi para sa akin

ako ang iyong araw, ang iyong buwan, ang iyong bituin
subalit mistulang ika'y naliligaw sa ibang kalawakan
tila hindi napapansin ang init na dumadaloy mula sa akin
pagkat siya ang inaasam mo, siya ang nais mo

nang sumikat ang araw sa dakong paroon,
natagpuan ang aking hangganan
kay tagal na panahon bago ko naintindihan...
ang apoy, mula man sa nagsisilab na damdamin
ay maaaring mahawi, kung hindi inalagaan,
kung hindi inaruga, kung hindi pinahalagahan...

ako ngayo'y hangin na lamang
minsan mong nadama ang init ng aking pagmamahal
minsan kong naisip na manatili
ngunit kaibigan, sa ating buhay, ako'y nakatakdang dumaan lamang

ako ang iyong araw, ako ang iyong buwan, ako ang iyong bituin
nasa langit, dumudungaw…

ako ang iyong araw, ako ang iyong buwan, ako ang iyong bituin
nasa langit, iyo ngayong tinitingala…
pilit inaabot, pilit hinihila pababa sa lupa
pagkat ako ang iyong araw...
ang iyong buwan
ang iyong bituin…

pagkat ako ang kaibigang umibig, nagpakabulag…
hindi para sa kung sinuman,
kundi para sa iyo.

Discover yourself. Look in the mirror and face the monster you have created, the demon that could never be pushed away because it resides deep within you, farther than the depth you intended it to be in. Though you try to pinch yourself, you could never wake up from this nightmare, and the screams that you hear every night will shatter the glass you have built around yourself for protection. It's all futile, you see. There is nothing you could do, but live here, now, and keep on fearing tomorrow like a child hiding with knees bent and shaking in that dark corner of the room.

Confess. You cannot escape the intensity of your sins. You are a ball of fire ready to explode into oblivion, and the broken pieces of you will have no place in heaven. Purgatory will spit you out of its confused inexistence. You have no place, wherever.

Turn the hands of time. You will still end up this way.

I may smile, but the mask I wear is an iron rod burning my skin...
and it will not be lifted until my ashes get blown by the wind.

Great...just great...

Actually couldn't believe this. First time I stayed in the office overnight...and I have accomplished only 1/2 of what I actually have to do. (I think.) In full honesty, I have no idea what I'm doing or where this is going.

You might say I'm stupid and stubborn for doing this to myself. Why am I allowing a multinational company make a slave out of me for their own profiteering ways? Because that's how it has to be. I wasn't born rich. I was born poor, meant to toil hard and reap little fruits.

I need to get a shut-eye now. I only need to wait for 2 hours before daylight...then, I can go home.

Heaven is definitely here on earth. Anai took this shot. It's heavenly, isn't it?

This is picture perfect!!! Feel the breeze while on a yacht...hehehehe as if... =)

With Abby, Janjan, Ivan and Anai!!! =)

Dinner at White Beach =)

What is more truly essential in life?

You'll never really know until you've got it in your hands, and then watch it slowly slip through your fingers. I think most of us regret losing things, or even people. You know, when we fail to keep them, simply because we become engrossed with our own lives that we forget how to value blessings sent our way.

It's been quite a tedious cycle, hasn't it? We cry over spilt milk even when our parents and friends have told us a million times not to. We need to be strong, they say, but what I've realized over the past few years is this: I am stronger than what they think I am, despite the many tears I've cried in front of them or behind them. Indeed, I have regretted letting go of people, of deciding that not being a part of their lives was best, and of choosing a different path other than that of which they tread, but all throughout these experiences, through all the many, many tears I've shed, I have managed to see my life in the bigger picture. I have succeeded in taking the first step into taking control of this life, and not, of life taking control over me.

I guess, although I have lost some friends and some of the things I dearly valued, there has been a greater exchange, one of the lessons in life that I never would have gotten if I kept holding on: nothing in this life is mine. Even the life I have is merely borrowed, and this is a reality I have known since I was a kid. My grandmother has brought us up in such a way that our fear in the Lord is so great, but above of all, our gratitude for this opportunity to breathe and live and fall in love has been greater. It has been fairly instilled in me that the life I live is not my own, but of Christ's. The years that I spend here on earth must then be spent according to how He would have lived, full of compassion, full of love. My being human is not an excuse, for in His eyes, I could always try. Though I may not succeed, at least, I gave it my best shot.

So, what is more truly essential in life?

This is a thought that should have not included any comparison at all.

What is truly essential in life?

Life itself.

Pagninilaynilay

Martes na naman. Hindi ko man lang namalayang lumipas ang isa pang buwan. Walang nagbago. Walang nag-iba. Araw-araw, iisa lang ang takbo ng buhay ko...papunta saan? Ewan. Hindi ko alam.

Ang nakalipas na mga araw ay tila isang panaginip, mistulang eksena sa pelikulang hindi ko mapahalagahan. Siguro kulang lang ako sa tulog, pero kabilang na nga ako sa samahan ng MASA (Masandal Tulog). Ilang beses ko ng napatunayang sandali ko lamang matatakasan ang realidad sa pamamagitan ng pagpikit ng aking mga mata at pagsarado sa kung anumang maaaring gumimbal sa aking kasalukuyan. Kailangan ko na namang tanggapin na ito ang buhay...ngayon ang bukas, ngayon ang kahapon...ang nakaraan ay minsan ng naging kasalukuyan, ngunit akin lamang pinalipas nang walang pagbabakasakali, nang hindi man lang naisip kung saan nga ba tutungo.

Ako ay isang manlalakbay, uhaw sa kaalaman, gutom sa karunungang makapagbibigay kalutasan sa sa hindi maipaliwanag na kakulangan. Nakasabit lang ba ako sa isang baging handang bumigay? Matapos ba ng paghihirap at pagtitiis, malalaglag lang sa bangin ng kasinungalingan at pagkukunwari? O ang paglalakbay na ito'y mayroong patutunguhan?

Untitled II

mapapatawad pa ba sa gitna ng pag-aalinlangan?
matututunan pa kayang pagkatiwalaan matapos ang mga kasinungalingan?
o magiging manlalakbay na puno ng poot at hinagpis
mula sa nakaraan, isang nakaraang humihila sa iyong mga paa...

tulala at nagkukunwari…
tila nananahimik, subalit hindi mapakali…
sa pagdilat ng mga mata, unti-unting nabasa ang mga labi
ng mga luhang tumutulo sa iyong mga pisngi...

hanggang kailan mananatili ang pag-asa?
hanggang saan ang dapat tahakin bago maghilom ang sakit?

hanggang kaya mo pa, hanggang humihinga pa
hanggang kaya pa, hanggang nagmamahal pa

Untitled

umiiyak ang sanggol,
naghahanap ng init
mula sa mga palad na minsan nyang nakagisnan
subalit ngayo'y naglaho sa itim na usok ng pagkakataon...

dinggin mo ang ungol,
buksan ang mga mata sa dalamhati, pighati at pagpapakasakit
na noon pa'y nariyan na...

makinig ka...
hinding-hindi na matatakasan pa
sapagkat karugtong nito ng iyong bawat paghinga;

ang dugong dumadaloy sa iyong pusod
ay iyong dugong dumadaloy sa puso ng sanggol,
nagsusumamo,
tumitibok
para mahalin,
para arugain...

kaibigan, kailan ka huling tumingin sa salamin?
ikaw pa rin ang sanggol...
ikaw pa rin ang umiiyak mula sa kanyang paglisan
pakinggan ang puso,

mula sa pagkakabihag, ito'y pakawalan mo

Late Have I Loved Thee

Song for the week: Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Ako'y tinawagan mula sa katahimikan

Pinukaw Mo ang aking pandinig

Biglang luminaw ang awit ng daigdig

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman

Minulat Mo aking mga mata

Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo

Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo

************************************************

This song was based on St. Augustine's Prayer, "Ever Ancient, Ever New", thus the title, "Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa", which was sung by Bukas Palad, a really known choir from Ateneo (http://www.bukaspalad.com/). It had such an effect on me, especially now that several things are beginning to happen in my life, simply because God thinks it is already my time to experience these trials.

I have started to have faith long ago, but I only grew in faith in its truest sense when I was in college. Amidst all the superficiality of the world, to make me NOT believe in God's existence did not work. There is a warmth inside me that I couldn't explain every time I pray or think about Him, and nothing and no one can ever change this desire in me to be His servant. Somehow, it overpowers all the things that some say about Him. (Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman Minulat Mo aking mga mata Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina)How can I not believe when I experience Him in my life? How can I turn my back from the One who gives me the strength, the courage, and the wisdom to move on?

I remember when my faith faltered, though. I was in junior high school then, and doubts began in my mind, simply because my dad was losing his job. I felt as if God was abandoning my family after all those times when we were such believers. For a while, there was enmity in my heart. I didn't go to mass, and did not do any of my Christian duties. I was so confused as to why God wanted us to suffer. I really felt He was letting go of my hand. I never realized then that it was the other way around. I was letting go of Him. (Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan
Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan)

But, at the end of my attempts to escape His presence, I found myself returning to His arms over and over again. I have discerned that life is much, much better with Him in my heart. Without Him, everything was bleak and grey. (Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo) People were difficult to comprehend, and for me, the mind without the heart is just about useless. When life was without Him, I succumbed to various vices, those which are artificial and temporary. (Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan) I never attained the fulfillment I longed for, and in unloving God, I realized I was only unloving myself. All the while, God was still with me. I just didn't want to see it.

Thus, Kay tagal bago Kita minahal...I have known before that God was the answer, but I guess it paid to doubt so I could believe.

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you!

You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.
- from The Confessions of Saint Augustine

This is it!

He looked at me with downcast eyes, whispering words of affection that should have made me stay, but still, I turned my back on him and walked away.

Maybe it was my pride...

Or just that independent side of mine, where my heart was finally ruled over by my mind.

For so many sleepless nights, I pondered at how unfair it was. He had two people loving him, while I was stupidly believing it was I he loved, and the other didn't have a clue of what was going on. So, who's the number 2? Who's the mistress in this scenario? I kept asking myself...and the finger pointed at me. I felt I was the "other girl" because I was the one who knew of the existence of the other. Isn't that how it worked? The mistress in the relationship knows that there is another woman involved, and accepts it. Did I accept it? I thought for quite some time he would change his mind...that because I found out about it, he would revert his ways and tell me that his loyalty was mine. Well, obviously, this story didn't have that part. And so, the entire story has ended.

Just like that. It ended.

The entire set-up of our relationship started wrong. I was naive then, I guess, when I believed that because he was interested in me, I assumed he was emotionally unattached. The only good thing about this is that I finally opened my eyes to the truth about how this works. Just because a guy flirts with you, asks your number, and asks you out on dates, THAT does not mean he sees you as a potential life-partner...or even a 2-year girlfriend. I know, some girls would roll their eyes, and comment that they knew this long before and that I'm stupid not to have even known, but from where I came from, I never thought insincerity was existing. From where I came from, kindness was exchanged with goodness. I guess where I came from wasn't the real world at all. I was sheltered, uncorrupted, and unjaded. Now, if that's a stupid thing, then I'm glad to have that stupid thing going on.

Now, I'm not blaming him entirely. I knew he loved me the best way he knew how. It was like him-and-me-against-the-world. The sad thing here is that he wasn't ready for the fight. After a lot of thinking, I've come to the conclustion that it wasn't entirely his fault. It actually takes a lot of courage to go against what our parents want for us, including that prospect for a partner. I do understand that he had to take into consideration what his parents would think of his love interest. Okay, every parent wants the best for us, and if he thinks that I'm not enough to present to his parents as his girlfriend, then all I can do is simply accept that. At first, I was still willing to pursue this challenge and prove to him that I was worthy...but you know what, when fate has stepped in to tell you that things aren't meant to be, you just have to leave it alone. I learned how to go with the flow of destiny...or something.

He is still with her because he chose her. That doesn't mean I'm less of a person, does it? That doesn't serve as the only basis of my entire character. It took me quite a while to lift my spirits up after that fall, and for me to realize that nobody should affect the way I see myself. I am me. I complete me. And I am happy being me.

And now, I am moving on. I was able to walk away from him finally. There may have been hurt in his eyes when I said my goodbye, but throughout the entire experience, I have learned to value myself even more. I am no second best. My love deserves that of an affection that equates everything I am capable of giving.

It has been more than 3 months since I bid my farewell. Although it sometimes confuses me why he still calls me at home, (maybe he's still hoping that I would answer his call) I know better now. I never answer the phone anymore, and my mom knows what to say if ever he is the one on the other line. There have been too many second chances, and I'd rather have the stupid lifestyle of honesty...than dealing with such deceptive reality.

One morning, I woke up and felt the sun shining down on my face. Oh, how beautiful this life is. What a wonderful world, I told myself.

However, at the back of my mind lies the disappoinment at how messed up reality is.

On my way back to work from the hospital, I saw those children, reaching out their tiny hands for alms, and I controlled myself not to spare any. That sounds ironic, doesn't it? Here, at the comfort of a chair and a fan to quench the summer heat, I write about my empathy towards them, but when I do get the chance to prove my desire to help, I don't do it. You ask why, and here is my reply.

Dependency. I do not wish to make a difference by becoming someone they could depend on for short-term results. My dream is to see them become independent individuals, ready to face the world with all the knowledge and heart to succeed. I wish for them to know that God exists and there is hope amidst all the brutality, cruelty and injustice. Unfortunately, I have no power to do these things now. Still, I do not want them to rely on people throwing them coins, and having them believe that that is the best they could do. For goodness' sake, these children should be in school...but understanding that their families have no money for that, I curse under my breath how the government fails to take good care of its people.

My heart breaks knowing how helpless I am now...but I do value patience, and I know that in God's own time, there is much I could do.

These sentiments I have for these children have been hidden from my parents for a long time. I remember telling my mother that I wanted to celebrate my debut at an orphanage near our house. She gave me this confused stare, and told me that was ridiculous, and that was that. Since then, I never brought up the subject.

Up until recently, I was surprised at what my mother said. I think that by now, she understands the plea of my heart, of how much I want to share what I have with those children who have none, but can have a colorful future if only they were given the opportunity.

Me: Ma, does anybody still live in the house next to ours?
Mom: I'm not sure. The owner isn't in the country anymore, and only the caretaker's left. Why?
Me: I want to buy it someday.
Mom: Sige...tapos patayuan mo ng orphanage.

It almost made me cry hearing her say that, and with no tone of mockery in her voice...just the sincerity of hoping my dreams would come true.

Love Poem 2

Your voice is a lullabye, a soothing embrace in life’s terrible storm,
A song that pacifies the restlessness of this wandering soul,
Adrift, purposeless, treading quite a meaningless journey,
Yet by your side, by your song, there is a sense in my existence…
Finally found…because of you…

Love Poem

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I want to share this poem I recently made (after so long of being uninspired to write anything of that kind). The poem isn't for anybody, which is the weird part. So what made me write it? Who inspired me to scribble the words down, and feel the emotion as if these were running in my veins as real as they could possibly be?

your face, by the sun's shaft of light
creates a silhouette, a shadow untainted,

I will protect, against the superficiality of mortality
I will adhere, hold fast, before you vanish from eternity

that face, seeming like a portrait of restless charm
yet ambiguous, yet aging, yet a replica of loss,
a ghost thought forgotten…
still, the visage these emotions cradle

in this temporary suspension in time, no minutes drifting
only a madness that spirals around my neck,
an invisible helix drives me towards insanity and solitude,
still, I patiently, hopelessly wait

But the crutches could no longer hold the weight of this burden,
Of this desperation, of this painful reality

So Motionless, quiet, though not tranquil,
For this spirit demands no love from thee…

But then, is crazily in love…
…With…
...You…

It just seemed that one morning, I woke up and felt how blessed I am. I don't need to be in love to actually feel the intensity of the emotion. I don't need someone to inspire me...to make me believe that love is indeed...here...now. (hehe)