Discover yourself. Look in the mirror and face the monster you have created, the demon that could never be pushed away because it resides deep within you, farther than the depth you intended it to be in. Though you try to pinch yourself, you could never wake up from this nightmare, and the screams that you hear every night will shatter the glass you have built around yourself for protection. It's all futile, you see. There is nothing you could do, but live here, now, and keep on fearing tomorrow like a child hiding with knees bent and shaking in that dark corner of the room.

Confess. You cannot escape the intensity of your sins. You are a ball of fire ready to explode into oblivion, and the broken pieces of you will have no place in heaven. Purgatory will spit you out of its confused inexistence. You have no place, wherever.

Turn the hands of time. You will still end up this way.

I may smile, but the mask I wear is an iron rod burning my skin...
and it will not be lifted until my ashes get blown by the wind.

Great...just great...

Actually couldn't believe this. First time I stayed in the office overnight...and I have accomplished only 1/2 of what I actually have to do. (I think.) In full honesty, I have no idea what I'm doing or where this is going.

You might say I'm stupid and stubborn for doing this to myself. Why am I allowing a multinational company make a slave out of me for their own profiteering ways? Because that's how it has to be. I wasn't born rich. I was born poor, meant to toil hard and reap little fruits.

I need to get a shut-eye now. I only need to wait for 2 hours before daylight...then, I can go home.

Heaven is definitely here on earth. Anai took this shot. It's heavenly, isn't it?

This is picture perfect!!! Feel the breeze while on a yacht...hehehehe as if... =)

With Abby, Janjan, Ivan and Anai!!! =)

Dinner at White Beach =)

What is more truly essential in life?

You'll never really know until you've got it in your hands, and then watch it slowly slip through your fingers. I think most of us regret losing things, or even people. You know, when we fail to keep them, simply because we become engrossed with our own lives that we forget how to value blessings sent our way.

It's been quite a tedious cycle, hasn't it? We cry over spilt milk even when our parents and friends have told us a million times not to. We need to be strong, they say, but what I've realized over the past few years is this: I am stronger than what they think I am, despite the many tears I've cried in front of them or behind them. Indeed, I have regretted letting go of people, of deciding that not being a part of their lives was best, and of choosing a different path other than that of which they tread, but all throughout these experiences, through all the many, many tears I've shed, I have managed to see my life in the bigger picture. I have succeeded in taking the first step into taking control of this life, and not, of life taking control over me.

I guess, although I have lost some friends and some of the things I dearly valued, there has been a greater exchange, one of the lessons in life that I never would have gotten if I kept holding on: nothing in this life is mine. Even the life I have is merely borrowed, and this is a reality I have known since I was a kid. My grandmother has brought us up in such a way that our fear in the Lord is so great, but above of all, our gratitude for this opportunity to breathe and live and fall in love has been greater. It has been fairly instilled in me that the life I live is not my own, but of Christ's. The years that I spend here on earth must then be spent according to how He would have lived, full of compassion, full of love. My being human is not an excuse, for in His eyes, I could always try. Though I may not succeed, at least, I gave it my best shot.

So, what is more truly essential in life?

This is a thought that should have not included any comparison at all.

What is truly essential in life?

Life itself.

Pagninilaynilay

Martes na naman. Hindi ko man lang namalayang lumipas ang isa pang buwan. Walang nagbago. Walang nag-iba. Araw-araw, iisa lang ang takbo ng buhay ko...papunta saan? Ewan. Hindi ko alam.

Ang nakalipas na mga araw ay tila isang panaginip, mistulang eksena sa pelikulang hindi ko mapahalagahan. Siguro kulang lang ako sa tulog, pero kabilang na nga ako sa samahan ng MASA (Masandal Tulog). Ilang beses ko ng napatunayang sandali ko lamang matatakasan ang realidad sa pamamagitan ng pagpikit ng aking mga mata at pagsarado sa kung anumang maaaring gumimbal sa aking kasalukuyan. Kailangan ko na namang tanggapin na ito ang buhay...ngayon ang bukas, ngayon ang kahapon...ang nakaraan ay minsan ng naging kasalukuyan, ngunit akin lamang pinalipas nang walang pagbabakasakali, nang hindi man lang naisip kung saan nga ba tutungo.

Ako ay isang manlalakbay, uhaw sa kaalaman, gutom sa karunungang makapagbibigay kalutasan sa sa hindi maipaliwanag na kakulangan. Nakasabit lang ba ako sa isang baging handang bumigay? Matapos ba ng paghihirap at pagtitiis, malalaglag lang sa bangin ng kasinungalingan at pagkukunwari? O ang paglalakbay na ito'y mayroong patutunguhan?

Untitled II

mapapatawad pa ba sa gitna ng pag-aalinlangan?
matututunan pa kayang pagkatiwalaan matapos ang mga kasinungalingan?
o magiging manlalakbay na puno ng poot at hinagpis
mula sa nakaraan, isang nakaraang humihila sa iyong mga paa...

tulala at nagkukunwari…
tila nananahimik, subalit hindi mapakali…
sa pagdilat ng mga mata, unti-unting nabasa ang mga labi
ng mga luhang tumutulo sa iyong mga pisngi...

hanggang kailan mananatili ang pag-asa?
hanggang saan ang dapat tahakin bago maghilom ang sakit?

hanggang kaya mo pa, hanggang humihinga pa
hanggang kaya pa, hanggang nagmamahal pa

Untitled

umiiyak ang sanggol,
naghahanap ng init
mula sa mga palad na minsan nyang nakagisnan
subalit ngayo'y naglaho sa itim na usok ng pagkakataon...

dinggin mo ang ungol,
buksan ang mga mata sa dalamhati, pighati at pagpapakasakit
na noon pa'y nariyan na...

makinig ka...
hinding-hindi na matatakasan pa
sapagkat karugtong nito ng iyong bawat paghinga;

ang dugong dumadaloy sa iyong pusod
ay iyong dugong dumadaloy sa puso ng sanggol,
nagsusumamo,
tumitibok
para mahalin,
para arugain...

kaibigan, kailan ka huling tumingin sa salamin?
ikaw pa rin ang sanggol...
ikaw pa rin ang umiiyak mula sa kanyang paglisan
pakinggan ang puso,

mula sa pagkakabihag, ito'y pakawalan mo

Late Have I Loved Thee

Song for the week: Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Ako'y tinawagan mula sa katahimikan

Pinukaw Mo ang aking pandinig

Biglang luminaw ang awit ng daigdig

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman

Minulat Mo aking mga mata

Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo

Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo

************************************************

This song was based on St. Augustine's Prayer, "Ever Ancient, Ever New", thus the title, "Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa", which was sung by Bukas Palad, a really known choir from Ateneo (http://www.bukaspalad.com/). It had such an effect on me, especially now that several things are beginning to happen in my life, simply because God thinks it is already my time to experience these trials.

I have started to have faith long ago, but I only grew in faith in its truest sense when I was in college. Amidst all the superficiality of the world, to make me NOT believe in God's existence did not work. There is a warmth inside me that I couldn't explain every time I pray or think about Him, and nothing and no one can ever change this desire in me to be His servant. Somehow, it overpowers all the things that some say about Him. (Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman Minulat Mo aking mga mata Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina)How can I not believe when I experience Him in my life? How can I turn my back from the One who gives me the strength, the courage, and the wisdom to move on?

I remember when my faith faltered, though. I was in junior high school then, and doubts began in my mind, simply because my dad was losing his job. I felt as if God was abandoning my family after all those times when we were such believers. For a while, there was enmity in my heart. I didn't go to mass, and did not do any of my Christian duties. I was so confused as to why God wanted us to suffer. I really felt He was letting go of my hand. I never realized then that it was the other way around. I was letting go of Him. (Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan
Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan)

But, at the end of my attempts to escape His presence, I found myself returning to His arms over and over again. I have discerned that life is much, much better with Him in my heart. Without Him, everything was bleak and grey. (Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo) People were difficult to comprehend, and for me, the mind without the heart is just about useless. When life was without Him, I succumbed to various vices, those which are artificial and temporary. (Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan) I never attained the fulfillment I longed for, and in unloving God, I realized I was only unloving myself. All the while, God was still with me. I just didn't want to see it.

Thus, Kay tagal bago Kita minahal...I have known before that God was the answer, but I guess it paid to doubt so I could believe.

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you!

You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.
- from The Confessions of Saint Augustine

This is it!

He looked at me with downcast eyes, whispering words of affection that should have made me stay, but still, I turned my back on him and walked away.

Maybe it was my pride...

Or just that independent side of mine, where my heart was finally ruled over by my mind.

For so many sleepless nights, I pondered at how unfair it was. He had two people loving him, while I was stupidly believing it was I he loved, and the other didn't have a clue of what was going on. So, who's the number 2? Who's the mistress in this scenario? I kept asking myself...and the finger pointed at me. I felt I was the "other girl" because I was the one who knew of the existence of the other. Isn't that how it worked? The mistress in the relationship knows that there is another woman involved, and accepts it. Did I accept it? I thought for quite some time he would change his mind...that because I found out about it, he would revert his ways and tell me that his loyalty was mine. Well, obviously, this story didn't have that part. And so, the entire story has ended.

Just like that. It ended.

The entire set-up of our relationship started wrong. I was naive then, I guess, when I believed that because he was interested in me, I assumed he was emotionally unattached. The only good thing about this is that I finally opened my eyes to the truth about how this works. Just because a guy flirts with you, asks your number, and asks you out on dates, THAT does not mean he sees you as a potential life-partner...or even a 2-year girlfriend. I know, some girls would roll their eyes, and comment that they knew this long before and that I'm stupid not to have even known, but from where I came from, I never thought insincerity was existing. From where I came from, kindness was exchanged with goodness. I guess where I came from wasn't the real world at all. I was sheltered, uncorrupted, and unjaded. Now, if that's a stupid thing, then I'm glad to have that stupid thing going on.

Now, I'm not blaming him entirely. I knew he loved me the best way he knew how. It was like him-and-me-against-the-world. The sad thing here is that he wasn't ready for the fight. After a lot of thinking, I've come to the conclustion that it wasn't entirely his fault. It actually takes a lot of courage to go against what our parents want for us, including that prospect for a partner. I do understand that he had to take into consideration what his parents would think of his love interest. Okay, every parent wants the best for us, and if he thinks that I'm not enough to present to his parents as his girlfriend, then all I can do is simply accept that. At first, I was still willing to pursue this challenge and prove to him that I was worthy...but you know what, when fate has stepped in to tell you that things aren't meant to be, you just have to leave it alone. I learned how to go with the flow of destiny...or something.

He is still with her because he chose her. That doesn't mean I'm less of a person, does it? That doesn't serve as the only basis of my entire character. It took me quite a while to lift my spirits up after that fall, and for me to realize that nobody should affect the way I see myself. I am me. I complete me. And I am happy being me.

And now, I am moving on. I was able to walk away from him finally. There may have been hurt in his eyes when I said my goodbye, but throughout the entire experience, I have learned to value myself even more. I am no second best. My love deserves that of an affection that equates everything I am capable of giving.

It has been more than 3 months since I bid my farewell. Although it sometimes confuses me why he still calls me at home, (maybe he's still hoping that I would answer his call) I know better now. I never answer the phone anymore, and my mom knows what to say if ever he is the one on the other line. There have been too many second chances, and I'd rather have the stupid lifestyle of honesty...than dealing with such deceptive reality.

One morning, I woke up and felt the sun shining down on my face. Oh, how beautiful this life is. What a wonderful world, I told myself.

However, at the back of my mind lies the disappoinment at how messed up reality is.

On my way back to work from the hospital, I saw those children, reaching out their tiny hands for alms, and I controlled myself not to spare any. That sounds ironic, doesn't it? Here, at the comfort of a chair and a fan to quench the summer heat, I write about my empathy towards them, but when I do get the chance to prove my desire to help, I don't do it. You ask why, and here is my reply.

Dependency. I do not wish to make a difference by becoming someone they could depend on for short-term results. My dream is to see them become independent individuals, ready to face the world with all the knowledge and heart to succeed. I wish for them to know that God exists and there is hope amidst all the brutality, cruelty and injustice. Unfortunately, I have no power to do these things now. Still, I do not want them to rely on people throwing them coins, and having them believe that that is the best they could do. For goodness' sake, these children should be in school...but understanding that their families have no money for that, I curse under my breath how the government fails to take good care of its people.

My heart breaks knowing how helpless I am now...but I do value patience, and I know that in God's own time, there is much I could do.

These sentiments I have for these children have been hidden from my parents for a long time. I remember telling my mother that I wanted to celebrate my debut at an orphanage near our house. She gave me this confused stare, and told me that was ridiculous, and that was that. Since then, I never brought up the subject.

Up until recently, I was surprised at what my mother said. I think that by now, she understands the plea of my heart, of how much I want to share what I have with those children who have none, but can have a colorful future if only they were given the opportunity.

Me: Ma, does anybody still live in the house next to ours?
Mom: I'm not sure. The owner isn't in the country anymore, and only the caretaker's left. Why?
Me: I want to buy it someday.
Mom: Sige...tapos patayuan mo ng orphanage.

It almost made me cry hearing her say that, and with no tone of mockery in her voice...just the sincerity of hoping my dreams would come true.

Love Poem 2

Your voice is a lullabye, a soothing embrace in life’s terrible storm,
A song that pacifies the restlessness of this wandering soul,
Adrift, purposeless, treading quite a meaningless journey,
Yet by your side, by your song, there is a sense in my existence…
Finally found…because of you…

Love Poem

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I want to share this poem I recently made (after so long of being uninspired to write anything of that kind). The poem isn't for anybody, which is the weird part. So what made me write it? Who inspired me to scribble the words down, and feel the emotion as if these were running in my veins as real as they could possibly be?

your face, by the sun's shaft of light
creates a silhouette, a shadow untainted,

I will protect, against the superficiality of mortality
I will adhere, hold fast, before you vanish from eternity

that face, seeming like a portrait of restless charm
yet ambiguous, yet aging, yet a replica of loss,
a ghost thought forgotten…
still, the visage these emotions cradle

in this temporary suspension in time, no minutes drifting
only a madness that spirals around my neck,
an invisible helix drives me towards insanity and solitude,
still, I patiently, hopelessly wait

But the crutches could no longer hold the weight of this burden,
Of this desperation, of this painful reality

So Motionless, quiet, though not tranquil,
For this spirit demands no love from thee…

But then, is crazily in love…
…With…
...You…

It just seemed that one morning, I woke up and felt how blessed I am. I don't need to be in love to actually feel the intensity of the emotion. I don't need someone to inspire me...to make me believe that love is indeed...here...now. (hehe)

Oh well

The most ill-humored event happened Monday of this week. Just as I was conditioning myself to have a very good mood the entire week, this new trial had to come along. I know this is something I could surpass, well, because I must, but somehow, I can’t help but feel irritated and annoyed and depressed and ruined and…so, so tired.

Just like that, everything you worked hard for would become null. Exactly the word I saw on the screen…NULL. Every data saved, every accomplishment for the past two weeks…gone. Doing overtime has been useless and I have to work my ass off harder than I did.

Who would have thought that a single mistake could eradicate everything? An honest mistake with a grave effect and a dire consequence just sent my spirits come crashing with the waves, and I don’t mean that in a fun, summer-oriented kind of way. I know it wasn’t his intention to destroy my data, so I just decided to do something about it rather than cry.

History repeats itself. How appropriate.

The same thing happened to me while I was doing my thesis. As I was trying to complete last minute cramming, polishing my graphs and tables with details and elucidations, before actually printing everything, my pc crashed. At 4:00 in the morning, on the day of submission, I just stared at the black screen in front of me, then at the 10 plus or so diskettes stacked beside the CPU. Where in the world would I find a computer shop that would print every input on those disks before 10:00? What’s worse was, those disks only had the graphs, tables, and chapter one. It was a good thing I wrote most of my thoughts on scratch. Great, I told myself, then cursed under my breath. It was time to turn to the ever reliable Marlboro, because I had no idea what to do. My graduation depended on it, and all I could do was light a cigarette with trembling hands. I was too pissed to cry, anyway.

Four weeks. They just disappeared, and as I stared into open space, our dog stared back at me, with sympathetic eyes. I gave out a heavy sigh, then like a 5-year old kid, sat on the edge of my parents’ bed, waiting to see if one of them would wake up. I badly needed a hug.

Obviously, I wasn’t able to submit my thesis on time. My pc had to be repaired for two days, so the only chance I had of accomplishing it was during the coming weekend. For three straight days, I only slept a total of 4 hours. A month’s work compacted within days surely produced nothing but shit, but I didn’t want to NOT graduate on time! So I had to get it done the best way I knew how.

So yesterday, I stayed in the office until 11:30 in the evening. Reconstructing almost everything made the vein in my hand throb like crazy, but I’m glad I got it over and done with. I am going to meet this week’s deadline after all.

Of friends and gossip

I never proclaimed myself as good nor religious. I never tell other people I’m better than them nor do I think so. It never occurred to me that I could pass as an angel or a saint. But I do try very hard not to disappoint my parents in terms of living up to the principles they reared me with, though it’s no secret, my life doesn’t assure me possession to the keys of heaven.

That’s why hearing compliments always pressured me. I never really know what to respond when people tell me, “ang bait mo kasi.” Sometimes I cringe and consciously disregard the remark as if it was never mentioned at all, because if I started to live up to that expectation, a single blunder I do may scar and stain my entire character. If I were paper, a really white paper, there will come a time when people won’t see that I am white, because when I commit a wrongdoing, the only thing they’ll notice is that tiny dot of dirt amidst the bigger area that’s white. I am human. I have my faults. Please don’t limit my capacity to make a whole lot of mistakes. Don’t see me as white paper.

(***As a disclaimer, I am not really mabait. I just keep my mouth shut. There’s a whole lot of difference.***)

Not all the time will I understand. Not all the time will I be there for a friend. Not all the time will I be strong, whether for myself or for another. Most of the time I allow myself to succumb to weakness, to allow stronger forces to overpower me for some reason I don’t really know, but I just do. I bind myself to taking risks as long as I know I won’t hurt anybody now or in the near future. I let myself get hurt, yield to liabilites, because only experience can teach me how to get through every shit, and because reality will never be a bed of roses. I’m learning to embrace the thorns, slowly finding out how to breathe impure air, and inexplicably exposing my soul to all the disillusion.

I don’t care if people judge me. We’re all entitled to expressing our own opinions anyway, but sometimes it’s quite disappointing when people whom I’ve considered friends would belittle or underestimate or underrate --- me. And I’m not talking about productivity in terms of work or school or organization, but as a person, an individual, a friend. I can deal with criticisms but what hurts most is when they talk about it behind my back. Don’t they know that I would listen to what they have to say? How come they didn’t tell me these things when I was the principal actor in all their gossip? They should have known better. Well, I guess I should have known better, as well.

Most of the time, I ask myself, do I demand for too much? Do I expect anybody to do huge favors for me? Was my sincerity lacking that’s why they failed to see that my intentions in becoming friends with them was pure? Where could I possibly have gone wrong?

Now, I guess I just want to stop asking questions and end feeling so low about myself whenever issues about friendships disappoint me.

So, it’s either you hate me…or take me for who I am…and if you still want me to be your friend, rest assured, I will accept you for whoever you are…because I know how painful it is to be urged into becoming someone you’re not.

At least now I’m certain who my real friends are. I’m richly blessed to have them.

Sh*t

I'm losing myself again...it's eating me up inside.

I have no more social life, try as I may to think that I do. Even when I rarely go out to be with friends or family, it always helped to take my mind off things that drain me. Now, it's such a sad, sad reality to accept that I can't find the time to be happy...and stay happy...happiness seems to belong with uncertainty, only fleeting and temporary.

I missed my bestfriend's graduation dinner all because I was sucked into this world of responsibility and disillusion. I think I'm becoming the person that I hoped I wouldn't be, one who'd let her world be taken over by tasks and obligations that only bound me to nothingness...I am starting to take for granted things that should matter...

How pathetic can this life get?

Seriously, I am taking a break from blogging...from exposing myself too much. This is becoming such a bad, hard habit to break...

Work! Work! Work! =)

Believe it or not, but I'm enjoying work!

Daryl warned me about the company being really toxic and all, but I just love it! Somehow, I think I'm getting the hang of it...even when my brain goes from calm and patient to panicky and really, really jittery. Come to think of it, God heard my prayers and knew what was really best for me. He knew that I wouldn't fit in a job, which required going out often, or the kind of job that would have to deal with many people. Maybe He thinks I'm just not ready for that yet...or that I'm not the kind at all.

It doesn't bother me that I have to face a computer all day long, because I don't even notice time slipping away. It's like doing a thesis all over again, or a report that's due the next day, and I'm cramming. That's exactly how it feels! The only difference is that, I shouldn't waste a single minute of my time. Unlike in college, I had the time to spare to watch TV before completing a paper. Now, I also have to be considerate of other people...because they won't be able to finish their tasks if I don't do my part well. (Wow...I guess I am learning the value of interdependence.)

When I was still looking for a job, I prayed that God would give me a good one...I promised that I wouldn't complain no matter how difficult or demanding it would be. So, even when my brain gets squeezed all the time, I'm still grateful for this opportunity. Though, there are times when I just wished it didn't have to be so difficult, then again, I realize that hardwork and perserverance are very important factors to consider to help me get to where I want to go. I constantly remind myself to be patient...because in His time, there will be better days.

However, there are times when I also wish I could have complete 8 hours of sleep...You know, when I wouldn't have to go home at 11:00 in the evening.

Sigh. Anyway, I guess what matters is that I'm taking the first step towards a better life for me and my family. It's all that matters actually.

Smile!!! =)

Sleep is good. Not only did it rejuvenate my tired skin, it also refreshed my almost dying soul. Funny how I forgot this, as simple as it is,but I guess when we're too caught up with the world and all its rackets...we just forget.

One more thing, I have been losing myself because I was getting detached from the only thing that fulfills my hunger and thirst. It has been 3 Sundaysin a row that I haven't been able to attend Mass. I know that it's all my fault, and that there should be no excuses for such behavior...but there are times when I just want to lock myself inside the house and not let a ray of sunshine hit my skin. I wouldn't really call it a phobia, yet sometimes, I don't like being with too many people...or seeing crowds grouped closely together as if there isn't anywhere else to go. It chokes me to see so many people...and I feel that my world is slowly closing in on me. There are times when I just don't want people to see me...as if I were a convict hiding from the law.

I know, it's weird...

Well, the rest this weekend did me a whole lot of good. I finally picked up the broken pieces of me and convinced myself that there isn't any use tormenting myself. I need to let go, although I still don't have the faintest idea how to do it.

Sometimes I think, do I really love him this much? Or am I just really fooling myself and pushing myself to become stupid? I know that I have control of my life, and that I can do anything as long as I put my mind into it...so why do I still lose it?

Oh, crap! It shouldn't really matter anyway, right? I should just put it all in the past and live my life. Bitterness can actually eat a person up, and I don't want that.

He made his choice. I made a decision, as well. The so-called relationship didn't work out the way I expected it to, but hey, if things didn't go my way, then maybe that isn't the way. I just have to trust that there is indeed a better way...or a better someone. (Haha! I feel stupid here, as if convincing myself...)

Anyway, I have my peace of mind. Thank God the relapse ended just before I reached the point of insanity. =)