Late Have I Loved Thee

Song for the week: Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Ako'y tinawagan mula sa katahimikan

Pinukaw Mo ang aking pandinig

Biglang luminaw ang awit ng daigdig

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban

Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan

Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman

Minulat Mo aking mga mata

Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan

Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan

Kay tagal bago Kita minahal

Gandang sinauna at sariwa

Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo

Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo

************************************************

This song was based on St. Augustine's Prayer, "Ever Ancient, Ever New", thus the title, "Gandang Sinauna at Sariwa", which was sung by Bukas Palad, a really known choir from Ateneo (http://www.bukaspalad.com/). It had such an effect on me, especially now that several things are beginning to happen in my life, simply because God thinks it is already my time to experience these trials.

I have started to have faith long ago, but I only grew in faith in its truest sense when I was in college. Amidst all the superficiality of the world, to make me NOT believe in God's existence did not work. There is a warmth inside me that I couldn't explain every time I pray or think about Him, and nothing and no one can ever change this desire in me to be His servant. Somehow, it overpowers all the things that some say about Him. (Ako'y inilawan mula sa 'king kadiliman Minulat Mo aking mga mata Biglang luminaw tanglaw ko sa tuwina)How can I not believe when I experience Him in my life? How can I turn my back from the One who gives me the strength, the courage, and the wisdom to move on?

I remember when my faith faltered, though. I was in junior high school then, and doubts began in my mind, simply because my dad was losing his job. I felt as if God was abandoning my family after all those times when we were such believers. For a while, there was enmity in my heart. I didn't go to mass, and did not do any of my Christian duties. I was so confused as to why God wanted us to suffer. I really felt He was letting go of my hand. I never realized then that it was the other way around. I was letting go of Him. (Ako'y nagpabihag sa likha Mong tanan
Di ko akalaing Ikaw pala'y nilisan)

But, at the end of my attempts to escape His presence, I found myself returning to His arms over and over again. I have discerned that life is much, much better with Him in my heart. Without Him, everything was bleak and grey. (Akong nilikha Mo, uuwi rin sa 'Yo Ako'y papayapa lamang sa pilin Mo) People were difficult to comprehend, and for me, the mind without the heart is just about useless. When life was without Him, I succumbed to various vices, those which are artificial and temporary. (Tapat Kang nanahan sa 'king kalooban Ngunit hinahanap pa rin kahit saan) I never attained the fulfillment I longed for, and in unloving God, I realized I was only unloving myself. All the while, God was still with me. I just didn't want to see it.

Thus, Kay tagal bago Kita minahal...I have known before that God was the answer, but I guess it paid to doubt so I could believe.

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you!

You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.
- from The Confessions of Saint Augustine

This is it!

He looked at me with downcast eyes, whispering words of affection that should have made me stay, but still, I turned my back on him and walked away.

Maybe it was my pride...

Or just that independent side of mine, where my heart was finally ruled over by my mind.

For so many sleepless nights, I pondered at how unfair it was. He had two people loving him, while I was stupidly believing it was I he loved, and the other didn't have a clue of what was going on. So, who's the number 2? Who's the mistress in this scenario? I kept asking myself...and the finger pointed at me. I felt I was the "other girl" because I was the one who knew of the existence of the other. Isn't that how it worked? The mistress in the relationship knows that there is another woman involved, and accepts it. Did I accept it? I thought for quite some time he would change his mind...that because I found out about it, he would revert his ways and tell me that his loyalty was mine. Well, obviously, this story didn't have that part. And so, the entire story has ended.

Just like that. It ended.

The entire set-up of our relationship started wrong. I was naive then, I guess, when I believed that because he was interested in me, I assumed he was emotionally unattached. The only good thing about this is that I finally opened my eyes to the truth about how this works. Just because a guy flirts with you, asks your number, and asks you out on dates, THAT does not mean he sees you as a potential life-partner...or even a 2-year girlfriend. I know, some girls would roll their eyes, and comment that they knew this long before and that I'm stupid not to have even known, but from where I came from, I never thought insincerity was existing. From where I came from, kindness was exchanged with goodness. I guess where I came from wasn't the real world at all. I was sheltered, uncorrupted, and unjaded. Now, if that's a stupid thing, then I'm glad to have that stupid thing going on.

Now, I'm not blaming him entirely. I knew he loved me the best way he knew how. It was like him-and-me-against-the-world. The sad thing here is that he wasn't ready for the fight. After a lot of thinking, I've come to the conclustion that it wasn't entirely his fault. It actually takes a lot of courage to go against what our parents want for us, including that prospect for a partner. I do understand that he had to take into consideration what his parents would think of his love interest. Okay, every parent wants the best for us, and if he thinks that I'm not enough to present to his parents as his girlfriend, then all I can do is simply accept that. At first, I was still willing to pursue this challenge and prove to him that I was worthy...but you know what, when fate has stepped in to tell you that things aren't meant to be, you just have to leave it alone. I learned how to go with the flow of destiny...or something.

He is still with her because he chose her. That doesn't mean I'm less of a person, does it? That doesn't serve as the only basis of my entire character. It took me quite a while to lift my spirits up after that fall, and for me to realize that nobody should affect the way I see myself. I am me. I complete me. And I am happy being me.

And now, I am moving on. I was able to walk away from him finally. There may have been hurt in his eyes when I said my goodbye, but throughout the entire experience, I have learned to value myself even more. I am no second best. My love deserves that of an affection that equates everything I am capable of giving.

It has been more than 3 months since I bid my farewell. Although it sometimes confuses me why he still calls me at home, (maybe he's still hoping that I would answer his call) I know better now. I never answer the phone anymore, and my mom knows what to say if ever he is the one on the other line. There have been too many second chances, and I'd rather have the stupid lifestyle of honesty...than dealing with such deceptive reality.

One morning, I woke up and felt the sun shining down on my face. Oh, how beautiful this life is. What a wonderful world, I told myself.

However, at the back of my mind lies the disappoinment at how messed up reality is.

On my way back to work from the hospital, I saw those children, reaching out their tiny hands for alms, and I controlled myself not to spare any. That sounds ironic, doesn't it? Here, at the comfort of a chair and a fan to quench the summer heat, I write about my empathy towards them, but when I do get the chance to prove my desire to help, I don't do it. You ask why, and here is my reply.

Dependency. I do not wish to make a difference by becoming someone they could depend on for short-term results. My dream is to see them become independent individuals, ready to face the world with all the knowledge and heart to succeed. I wish for them to know that God exists and there is hope amidst all the brutality, cruelty and injustice. Unfortunately, I have no power to do these things now. Still, I do not want them to rely on people throwing them coins, and having them believe that that is the best they could do. For goodness' sake, these children should be in school...but understanding that their families have no money for that, I curse under my breath how the government fails to take good care of its people.

My heart breaks knowing how helpless I am now...but I do value patience, and I know that in God's own time, there is much I could do.

These sentiments I have for these children have been hidden from my parents for a long time. I remember telling my mother that I wanted to celebrate my debut at an orphanage near our house. She gave me this confused stare, and told me that was ridiculous, and that was that. Since then, I never brought up the subject.

Up until recently, I was surprised at what my mother said. I think that by now, she understands the plea of my heart, of how much I want to share what I have with those children who have none, but can have a colorful future if only they were given the opportunity.

Me: Ma, does anybody still live in the house next to ours?
Mom: I'm not sure. The owner isn't in the country anymore, and only the caretaker's left. Why?
Me: I want to buy it someday.
Mom: Sige...tapos patayuan mo ng orphanage.

It almost made me cry hearing her say that, and with no tone of mockery in her voice...just the sincerity of hoping my dreams would come true.

Love Poem 2

Your voice is a lullabye, a soothing embrace in life’s terrible storm,
A song that pacifies the restlessness of this wandering soul,
Adrift, purposeless, treading quite a meaningless journey,
Yet by your side, by your song, there is a sense in my existence…
Finally found…because of you…

Love Poem

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I want to share this poem I recently made (after so long of being uninspired to write anything of that kind). The poem isn't for anybody, which is the weird part. So what made me write it? Who inspired me to scribble the words down, and feel the emotion as if these were running in my veins as real as they could possibly be?

your face, by the sun's shaft of light
creates a silhouette, a shadow untainted,

I will protect, against the superficiality of mortality
I will adhere, hold fast, before you vanish from eternity

that face, seeming like a portrait of restless charm
yet ambiguous, yet aging, yet a replica of loss,
a ghost thought forgotten…
still, the visage these emotions cradle

in this temporary suspension in time, no minutes drifting
only a madness that spirals around my neck,
an invisible helix drives me towards insanity and solitude,
still, I patiently, hopelessly wait

But the crutches could no longer hold the weight of this burden,
Of this desperation, of this painful reality

So Motionless, quiet, though not tranquil,
For this spirit demands no love from thee…

But then, is crazily in love…
…With…
...You…

It just seemed that one morning, I woke up and felt how blessed I am. I don't need to be in love to actually feel the intensity of the emotion. I don't need someone to inspire me...to make me believe that love is indeed...here...now. (hehe)

Oh well

The most ill-humored event happened Monday of this week. Just as I was conditioning myself to have a very good mood the entire week, this new trial had to come along. I know this is something I could surpass, well, because I must, but somehow, I can’t help but feel irritated and annoyed and depressed and ruined and…so, so tired.

Just like that, everything you worked hard for would become null. Exactly the word I saw on the screen…NULL. Every data saved, every accomplishment for the past two weeks…gone. Doing overtime has been useless and I have to work my ass off harder than I did.

Who would have thought that a single mistake could eradicate everything? An honest mistake with a grave effect and a dire consequence just sent my spirits come crashing with the waves, and I don’t mean that in a fun, summer-oriented kind of way. I know it wasn’t his intention to destroy my data, so I just decided to do something about it rather than cry.

History repeats itself. How appropriate.

The same thing happened to me while I was doing my thesis. As I was trying to complete last minute cramming, polishing my graphs and tables with details and elucidations, before actually printing everything, my pc crashed. At 4:00 in the morning, on the day of submission, I just stared at the black screen in front of me, then at the 10 plus or so diskettes stacked beside the CPU. Where in the world would I find a computer shop that would print every input on those disks before 10:00? What’s worse was, those disks only had the graphs, tables, and chapter one. It was a good thing I wrote most of my thoughts on scratch. Great, I told myself, then cursed under my breath. It was time to turn to the ever reliable Marlboro, because I had no idea what to do. My graduation depended on it, and all I could do was light a cigarette with trembling hands. I was too pissed to cry, anyway.

Four weeks. They just disappeared, and as I stared into open space, our dog stared back at me, with sympathetic eyes. I gave out a heavy sigh, then like a 5-year old kid, sat on the edge of my parents’ bed, waiting to see if one of them would wake up. I badly needed a hug.

Obviously, I wasn’t able to submit my thesis on time. My pc had to be repaired for two days, so the only chance I had of accomplishing it was during the coming weekend. For three straight days, I only slept a total of 4 hours. A month’s work compacted within days surely produced nothing but shit, but I didn’t want to NOT graduate on time! So I had to get it done the best way I knew how.

So yesterday, I stayed in the office until 11:30 in the evening. Reconstructing almost everything made the vein in my hand throb like crazy, but I’m glad I got it over and done with. I am going to meet this week’s deadline after all.

Of friends and gossip

I never proclaimed myself as good nor religious. I never tell other people I’m better than them nor do I think so. It never occurred to me that I could pass as an angel or a saint. But I do try very hard not to disappoint my parents in terms of living up to the principles they reared me with, though it’s no secret, my life doesn’t assure me possession to the keys of heaven.

That’s why hearing compliments always pressured me. I never really know what to respond when people tell me, “ang bait mo kasi.” Sometimes I cringe and consciously disregard the remark as if it was never mentioned at all, because if I started to live up to that expectation, a single blunder I do may scar and stain my entire character. If I were paper, a really white paper, there will come a time when people won’t see that I am white, because when I commit a wrongdoing, the only thing they’ll notice is that tiny dot of dirt amidst the bigger area that’s white. I am human. I have my faults. Please don’t limit my capacity to make a whole lot of mistakes. Don’t see me as white paper.

(***As a disclaimer, I am not really mabait. I just keep my mouth shut. There’s a whole lot of difference.***)

Not all the time will I understand. Not all the time will I be there for a friend. Not all the time will I be strong, whether for myself or for another. Most of the time I allow myself to succumb to weakness, to allow stronger forces to overpower me for some reason I don’t really know, but I just do. I bind myself to taking risks as long as I know I won’t hurt anybody now or in the near future. I let myself get hurt, yield to liabilites, because only experience can teach me how to get through every shit, and because reality will never be a bed of roses. I’m learning to embrace the thorns, slowly finding out how to breathe impure air, and inexplicably exposing my soul to all the disillusion.

I don’t care if people judge me. We’re all entitled to expressing our own opinions anyway, but sometimes it’s quite disappointing when people whom I’ve considered friends would belittle or underestimate or underrate --- me. And I’m not talking about productivity in terms of work or school or organization, but as a person, an individual, a friend. I can deal with criticisms but what hurts most is when they talk about it behind my back. Don’t they know that I would listen to what they have to say? How come they didn’t tell me these things when I was the principal actor in all their gossip? They should have known better. Well, I guess I should have known better, as well.

Most of the time, I ask myself, do I demand for too much? Do I expect anybody to do huge favors for me? Was my sincerity lacking that’s why they failed to see that my intentions in becoming friends with them was pure? Where could I possibly have gone wrong?

Now, I guess I just want to stop asking questions and end feeling so low about myself whenever issues about friendships disappoint me.

So, it’s either you hate me…or take me for who I am…and if you still want me to be your friend, rest assured, I will accept you for whoever you are…because I know how painful it is to be urged into becoming someone you’re not.

At least now I’m certain who my real friends are. I’m richly blessed to have them.

Sh*t

I'm losing myself again...it's eating me up inside.

I have no more social life, try as I may to think that I do. Even when I rarely go out to be with friends or family, it always helped to take my mind off things that drain me. Now, it's such a sad, sad reality to accept that I can't find the time to be happy...and stay happy...happiness seems to belong with uncertainty, only fleeting and temporary.

I missed my bestfriend's graduation dinner all because I was sucked into this world of responsibility and disillusion. I think I'm becoming the person that I hoped I wouldn't be, one who'd let her world be taken over by tasks and obligations that only bound me to nothingness...I am starting to take for granted things that should matter...

How pathetic can this life get?

Seriously, I am taking a break from blogging...from exposing myself too much. This is becoming such a bad, hard habit to break...

Work! Work! Work! =)

Believe it or not, but I'm enjoying work!

Daryl warned me about the company being really toxic and all, but I just love it! Somehow, I think I'm getting the hang of it...even when my brain goes from calm and patient to panicky and really, really jittery. Come to think of it, God heard my prayers and knew what was really best for me. He knew that I wouldn't fit in a job, which required going out often, or the kind of job that would have to deal with many people. Maybe He thinks I'm just not ready for that yet...or that I'm not the kind at all.

It doesn't bother me that I have to face a computer all day long, because I don't even notice time slipping away. It's like doing a thesis all over again, or a report that's due the next day, and I'm cramming. That's exactly how it feels! The only difference is that, I shouldn't waste a single minute of my time. Unlike in college, I had the time to spare to watch TV before completing a paper. Now, I also have to be considerate of other people...because they won't be able to finish their tasks if I don't do my part well. (Wow...I guess I am learning the value of interdependence.)

When I was still looking for a job, I prayed that God would give me a good one...I promised that I wouldn't complain no matter how difficult or demanding it would be. So, even when my brain gets squeezed all the time, I'm still grateful for this opportunity. Though, there are times when I just wished it didn't have to be so difficult, then again, I realize that hardwork and perserverance are very important factors to consider to help me get to where I want to go. I constantly remind myself to be patient...because in His time, there will be better days.

However, there are times when I also wish I could have complete 8 hours of sleep...You know, when I wouldn't have to go home at 11:00 in the evening.

Sigh. Anyway, I guess what matters is that I'm taking the first step towards a better life for me and my family. It's all that matters actually.

Smile!!! =)

Sleep is good. Not only did it rejuvenate my tired skin, it also refreshed my almost dying soul. Funny how I forgot this, as simple as it is,but I guess when we're too caught up with the world and all its rackets...we just forget.

One more thing, I have been losing myself because I was getting detached from the only thing that fulfills my hunger and thirst. It has been 3 Sundaysin a row that I haven't been able to attend Mass. I know that it's all my fault, and that there should be no excuses for such behavior...but there are times when I just want to lock myself inside the house and not let a ray of sunshine hit my skin. I wouldn't really call it a phobia, yet sometimes, I don't like being with too many people...or seeing crowds grouped closely together as if there isn't anywhere else to go. It chokes me to see so many people...and I feel that my world is slowly closing in on me. There are times when I just don't want people to see me...as if I were a convict hiding from the law.

I know, it's weird...

Well, the rest this weekend did me a whole lot of good. I finally picked up the broken pieces of me and convinced myself that there isn't any use tormenting myself. I need to let go, although I still don't have the faintest idea how to do it.

Sometimes I think, do I really love him this much? Or am I just really fooling myself and pushing myself to become stupid? I know that I have control of my life, and that I can do anything as long as I put my mind into it...so why do I still lose it?

Oh, crap! It shouldn't really matter anyway, right? I should just put it all in the past and live my life. Bitterness can actually eat a person up, and I don't want that.

He made his choice. I made a decision, as well. The so-called relationship didn't work out the way I expected it to, but hey, if things didn't go my way, then maybe that isn't the way. I just have to trust that there is indeed a better way...or a better someone. (Haha! I feel stupid here, as if convincing myself...)

Anyway, I have my peace of mind. Thank God the relapse ended just before I reached the point of insanity. =)

Unsent

When you reached out, I put my hand in yours
Our fingers clasped and you owned my heart…
The warmth of your touch I still recall
Though vague…though surreal…though an illusion…
It was but a dream: that happy ending…
As love was just a diversion, an assumption
For in my reality, heaven is as good as hell
And the darkness is the only real thing

My heart is broken for the millionth time. When I saw him yesterday, every piece of hatred just vanished. Before he even noticed I was there, I quickly walked away…the way I always did. I didn’t want him to see me nor did I want to see what his eyes revealed.

Why do I even think that it’s because of me that there is sadness in his eyes? Why do I wish that somehow he is also miserable without me in his life?

I don’t know when I’ll be able to fully recover. Maybe not, but I desperately hope I would.

I long to see that glow in his eyes and the smile that creases on his face every time I crack a joke or two…or every time I simply look at him with a smile on my own face. But I need to wake up already!!! And accept the reality that we’re not meant to be. He belongs to another while I am left just to wander around.

When will I set myself free?
How could I bury the memories in the past?
Who will come to save me from all the pain?
Why am I letting him go if he’s the only one I hoped to love?

You came into my life and made me believe in love, but like an angel in the night, you had to leave before the first ray of sunlight touched our skin. You filled the emptiness in my heart, but when you left me in the rain, the hole has gotten bigger than before.

There will always be a space in my heart for you even if the harsh truth dictates you could never be mine. I told you to leave me alone, but deep inside I wished that you’d stay. I hope you never believed when I said I hated you because my mouth utters words my heart doesn’t really want to say…

So, please hear what I’m not saying. Please listen to the whispers of my soul. Though I tell you I no longer love you, God knows the truth that I will forever do.

I will always hold you close to me even when you’re far away, because the wind will carry the compassion, because the heat of the sun will beam me your warmth, because the waves of the ocean will cradle me with your affection, because the sound of the birds will be the song of such bittersweet romance.

Let me dream that you are mine.
Let me wake up with wonderful memories of your smile.
Let me float to the tune we both used to dance.
Let me feel love from the songs heaven used to play.

There is nobody else I want to spend the rest of my days with, because when I looked into your eyes the first time, I knew you were the one. It’s hard to accept the fact that you and I were merely just passing by in each other’s life.

You were the one I knew I’d give all of my life to even when I wasn’t the only one. I cherished every memory, not thinking if they would ever become regrets. Was it a mistake to give my love to you? I didn’t care then. I didn’t mind if fate planned for us to go our separate ways because what mattered was you filling that void in my life even if it wasn’t for a lifetime.

Let me love you still.
Let me express the affection behind your back.
Let me reveal the love I feel for you.
Let me grieve as I walk out of your life.

AK, Itchan...thanks =)

I couldn't believe it. It has only been 3 weeks since that day when I had to end it all...and today, I saw him. How unfair it is to hate him when I recall the times spent together, yet still love him, long for him...because it is only from afar that I could do so...


"Oo nga, you'll give me what I want...the independence, the freedom, my moving on...pero hindi mo ba naisip na kaya ko lang pinili yon para hindi makasakit ng ibang tao? Para hindi siya masaktan...and to at least save myself a little dignity that may somewhat still be left? Na sa lahat ng nagawa kong mali, may magawa naman akong tama...Mahal kita. Mahal ka niya. Mahal mo sya...tanggapin mong ramdam ko iyon. Siya ang mas nauna,ako ang dapat magparaya."

It sucks...to do the right thing, to be on the losing end, believing that things will be fine...but knowing that they wouldn't.

Two years...should have been enough...should have been too much...But I tried everything...denied the truth...even deceived myself...Still, the footprints he left never faded... And saying goodbye for good has made me miserable.

"Everything was a lie. You made everything a lie for me. I think I should thank you for that. You showed me what the real world was all about: Deception and lies...I really hate you, and for as long as I am loving you, I will keep hating you...I never hated anybody the way I do now because I never loved anybody the way I loved you..."

Will someone tell me, until when?

Sheeeesh...

WTF?!!!! How could a good start end up so shitty?

This stupid headache is killing me, and I just couldn't seem to concentrate on what I need to do. The clock says 8:13 pm, and I'm stuck with an account that doesn't want to enter the module I just coded...

Are aliens abducting me? Or am I just slowly losing it?

Don't mess around with me now...I just might mess you up.

What are friends for?

Rj called the other day and told me that his mom was confined at Makati Medical Center due to a heart problem. Since I was within the vicinity, I decided to visit.

I left the office at around 9 and it took me 30 minutes to walk along Ayala Avenue before reaching the hospital, but my feet didn't seem to mind. I enjoyed walking, especially under the moonlit sky...I was excited to see my bestfriend among the guys, but somewhat gloomy that we had to meet at such an occasion.


It has been a year since we last saw each other, but I could still recall the times he has been there for me. In college, he saw me cry a number of times because of the most nonsense of reasons, but he still just allowed the tears to trickle down my cheeks...I always used to think that those people who witnessed tears streaming down my face were considered by myself as true friends. Not everyone gets to see that defenseless side of me...What more now...I think I don't know how to cry anymore...


For some people, a person who cried a lot was irritating, somewhat showing weakness and dependency...that's why I always felt free around Rj, although he and I had a lot of differences. He accepted me for being weak and strong, for being timid and aggressive...for all the contradictions rolled into one being...me.


It was painful to see him go through such an ordeal. Although he put up this facade which showed strength, I knew deep inside he was worried for his mom. I never knew how to act in such circumstances, so I just told him to be strong and for him not to forget to pray...


As I was nearing our house, I received a text message from him thanking me for my visit.
"Maddy, ingat ka. Thanks for visiting my mom. God bless."

Rj, for all the times you've been there for me, let me repay you in my own little way...you and your family never left my prayers.

Trying to make sense... =)

I'm no love guru...but it's easy to spot people who are in love. You see it in their eyes, the way they look at each other and somehow, you also feel it in their touch, although not an inch of their skin is touching mine.


Sometimes, people deny it...out of fear that the other person might avoid him/her if he/she found out, but still, their longingness for that person is so obvious. I guess, they just need more time...to get the hang of it..to learn what dance steps they have to use as they listen and sway to the tunes of romance.


Life is too short to keep thinking and not doing anything. If there's nothing stopping you from expressing your true emotions to the one you love, then go! As long as you know you're not hurting anybody along the way, then nothing should be of any hindrance. Never be afraid. Love is a risk...a risk always worth taking.


Sometimes, there are people who think that they are in love with somebody else, even if they're already committed to someone...those instances when the one who's in love wonders how it would be like to be with the new "somebody". There are people who take the risk and leave their present significant other, but then there are those who will try anything to manage both, simply because he doesn't want to choose...doesn't want to live life without...well, both.


I think that life is a matter of choice, with every rationalization to be explained in due time. Every action has a corresponding reaction, a consequence resulting from the decision we made. Nothing in life is ever easy. We would always have to go through a needle's hole before we attain the peace of mind and contentment we so long desire. That's why, we should learn how to choose the best option...not to always get everything we want...because if we don't choose now, we might lose everything.


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Sometimes I wonder if I should consider this as a gift, this ability to know who's in the heart of another...


Then again, sometimes, I wish I didn't feel too much...because I know that the one I love...loves me...


But...

Just a day to spare...it's worth every ounce of sweat!

Habitat for the Heart

I remember telling my mother the night of Saturday, "Ma, masaya ako."

I just came home from the company's corporate citizenship activity that time, wherein we tied up with Habitat for Humanity and Hands-on Manila. Although I was tired and exhausted from merely passing on pails of cement, the fulfillment I felt was overwhelming. The sun's heat reminded me that I was fully alive, capable of doing wonderful things if only I set my mind into doing productive things.

More than that, I enjoyed spending the sweaty afternoon with friends: Carla, AK and Christian. As each day passes by, every experience spent together enables us to build a deeper friendship...a relationship unbounded by the ties that work brings us. Then, I also got to meet a new set of friends, wherein hopefully, there'd be a future of happy moments to look forward to!

Dreaming doesn't cost a thing

Before the life-altering misfortune struck my family, I wanted to become a doctor of children (aka pediatrics). I thought it was the end of my life when I found out I couldn't pursue it anymore.

But you know what, I learned I shouldn't stop dreaming just because our dreams may seem impossible to reach. There are other roads to take if only we take the time to open our eyes a little more and see that everything around us are being hit by the sun's rays. God has a different plan for me, and now I know how to trust.

Before I get old and gray, these are now my dreams...
==> to be able to build a school for special children
==> to have a business of my own
==> to be able to build a pre-school (and teach?!)
==> write a book (or books?!!! hehe =)
==> sing and dance in a musicale (juuuuustttt kidding!!!!)
==> build a home for homeless children (Yes, I LOVE kids)

My life begins now that I have something to live for.

Hehe =)

Guess I couldn't keep myself from blogging! Well, writing has been a part of my life and somehow, I just love to do it. If there's anything I'm passionate about, this is it.

I started keeping a journal since I was 14 years old. Growing up as an only child, I've dealt with thinking of ways to keep myself busy, and since I rarely go out, I found enjoyment in reading books and writing everyday, nonsense thoughts. When I was in high school, I wrote for our school paper, but I always wrote under a pen name, except when I wrote the news. I don't know why I didn't want anybody to know it was me, but perhaps, it was out fear that I would expose myself too much. But you know what, most of my articles weren't taken out of my own experiences, but out of others'. Not everything I write pertains to my personal misadventures, but in a way, they also serve as an expression of another person's feelings, those emotions that they have difficulty revealing...and somehow, I guess I just put those emotions into words.

It's not just about hearing what they're saying, but listening to what their hearts are shouting; not just about being sympathetic to their situation, but being empathic. It will amaze you how you'd learn the art of seeing the person for whoever he/she is, without having to ask him/her about himself/herself...but the greatest gift of all is looking into a person's eyes, and knowing just what's going inside her heart and mind even without words.

You know, we can learn a lot from listening to other people's life stories. You'll find meaning in why people cross the same path. There's always something new to learn to help you grow, to help you keep on moving on despite the falling down, and to allow you to keep on breathing amidst the little deaths.

I believe that strangers are friends we have not yet met and their coming into my life will always keep my feet on the ground.

I believe that friends are the other pieces to make me complete.

And I believe that God resides in each of our hearts, if only we find the time to listen and embrace Him.

A Reason to Smile

I used to joke my mom about what took her and my dad so long before they tied the knot. You see, they both got married in their early forties, and every time I'd ask her about it, she's just simply smile at me, as if saying, "You would understand in due time."

Certainly, that time has come.

Ever since I opened myself up to the world, I was always swept away by other people's tales of romance. Stories of love and passion allowed me to become a fountain of affection, despite my personal experiences of failure when it came to matters of the heart. I must admit I was never lucky in love, and sometimes, I would be on the brink of becoming numb to the emotion, in the attempt to escape the harshness of hearbreak. However, amidst the numerous times of having my heart broken, I still find it in me to give love another chance. I have come to realize that nothing could ever measure up to the happiness and contentment that showers of affection brought. Pains and heartaches were mere tools used by fate to make each of us stronger and wiser, less naive and gullible.

Night after night, I kept on pondering about what love was really all about. I tried to give it a concrete definition, but LOVE cannot be defined, this I am sure of now. It is an experience, not just an action or a verb nor just an emotion. Sometimes love may just be love...but its effects are boundless, and to characterize IT would limit these effects.

Since I was a child, my mom would stay up late as she waited for my dad to come home from work at midnight. At the sound of my dad's car, she would quietly open the gate for him, help him with his attache case and lead him to the dining room, where a perfectly cooked meal has been prepared. She would sit with him while he ate, and they would exchange stories of how their days went. After my dad finished eating, she would tell him to take his shower while she cleaned up. Almost every night, they slept at the same time. Then, 5 hours later, my mom wakes up ahead of my dad so she could prepare his bath and breakfast. My mom took good care of my dad. She understood the sacrifices my dad did in order to provide for his family.

For two decades, I was witness to this testimonial of love. My mom never complained, never gave my dad a headache. She always made sure that he had a home to return to when he left his office.

I never heard them say they loved each other, though. Nevertheless, their actions definitely spoke louder.

My dad never failed to remember important dates. Every year on Valentine's Day, he would come home with roses for my mom. On her birthday, he would bring her her favorite food. My mom loved pizza, and every time he sensed her exhaustion, he would surprise her with one.

There was a certain understanding between them, and they had their own ways of showing affection...

I never really knew my dad until he retired. To me, he was the figure of discipline and superiority, incapable of expressing feelings. However, time changed my view towards him. He was no longer seen just as the provider, but THE father...THE husband.

Whenever my mom got sick, he was there to give relief. I saw the look of worry on his face, that same look my mom had when my dad got a heart operation. I never quite looked into it then, but now I am sure they both felt they couldn't live without each other. They are growing old together, and there is no sweeter love story than this.

The most interesting fact about their love story is this: they were schoolmates in high school, with my mom being just a year ahead of my dad, but they never met until a decade after. It took them quite a long time to find a piece of heaven when they found each other, but destiny took its course and brought them together. They never searched, but they both found the most wonderful blessing.

Now, I understand what my mom always told me: Never haste yourself into falling in love. Whoever he is, he would come in the proper time and love will take it from there.

You know what, I believe her. ;-)

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Yesterday was my parent's 23rd Anniversary...

And yes, we all enjoyed the pizza.