Smile!!! =)

Sleep is good. Not only did it rejuvenate my tired skin, it also refreshed my almost dying soul. Funny how I forgot this, as simple as it is,but I guess when we're too caught up with the world and all its rackets...we just forget.

One more thing, I have been losing myself because I was getting detached from the only thing that fulfills my hunger and thirst. It has been 3 Sundaysin a row that I haven't been able to attend Mass. I know that it's all my fault, and that there should be no excuses for such behavior...but there are times when I just want to lock myself inside the house and not let a ray of sunshine hit my skin. I wouldn't really call it a phobia, yet sometimes, I don't like being with too many people...or seeing crowds grouped closely together as if there isn't anywhere else to go. It chokes me to see so many people...and I feel that my world is slowly closing in on me. There are times when I just don't want people to see me...as if I were a convict hiding from the law.

I know, it's weird...

Well, the rest this weekend did me a whole lot of good. I finally picked up the broken pieces of me and convinced myself that there isn't any use tormenting myself. I need to let go, although I still don't have the faintest idea how to do it.

Sometimes I think, do I really love him this much? Or am I just really fooling myself and pushing myself to become stupid? I know that I have control of my life, and that I can do anything as long as I put my mind into it...so why do I still lose it?

Oh, crap! It shouldn't really matter anyway, right? I should just put it all in the past and live my life. Bitterness can actually eat a person up, and I don't want that.

He made his choice. I made a decision, as well. The so-called relationship didn't work out the way I expected it to, but hey, if things didn't go my way, then maybe that isn't the way. I just have to trust that there is indeed a better way...or a better someone. (Haha! I feel stupid here, as if convincing myself...)

Anyway, I have my peace of mind. Thank God the relapse ended just before I reached the point of insanity. =)

Unsent

When you reached out, I put my hand in yours
Our fingers clasped and you owned my heart…
The warmth of your touch I still recall
Though vague…though surreal…though an illusion…
It was but a dream: that happy ending…
As love was just a diversion, an assumption
For in my reality, heaven is as good as hell
And the darkness is the only real thing

My heart is broken for the millionth time. When I saw him yesterday, every piece of hatred just vanished. Before he even noticed I was there, I quickly walked away…the way I always did. I didn’t want him to see me nor did I want to see what his eyes revealed.

Why do I even think that it’s because of me that there is sadness in his eyes? Why do I wish that somehow he is also miserable without me in his life?

I don’t know when I’ll be able to fully recover. Maybe not, but I desperately hope I would.

I long to see that glow in his eyes and the smile that creases on his face every time I crack a joke or two…or every time I simply look at him with a smile on my own face. But I need to wake up already!!! And accept the reality that we’re not meant to be. He belongs to another while I am left just to wander around.

When will I set myself free?
How could I bury the memories in the past?
Who will come to save me from all the pain?
Why am I letting him go if he’s the only one I hoped to love?

You came into my life and made me believe in love, but like an angel in the night, you had to leave before the first ray of sunlight touched our skin. You filled the emptiness in my heart, but when you left me in the rain, the hole has gotten bigger than before.

There will always be a space in my heart for you even if the harsh truth dictates you could never be mine. I told you to leave me alone, but deep inside I wished that you’d stay. I hope you never believed when I said I hated you because my mouth utters words my heart doesn’t really want to say…

So, please hear what I’m not saying. Please listen to the whispers of my soul. Though I tell you I no longer love you, God knows the truth that I will forever do.

I will always hold you close to me even when you’re far away, because the wind will carry the compassion, because the heat of the sun will beam me your warmth, because the waves of the ocean will cradle me with your affection, because the sound of the birds will be the song of such bittersweet romance.

Let me dream that you are mine.
Let me wake up with wonderful memories of your smile.
Let me float to the tune we both used to dance.
Let me feel love from the songs heaven used to play.

There is nobody else I want to spend the rest of my days with, because when I looked into your eyes the first time, I knew you were the one. It’s hard to accept the fact that you and I were merely just passing by in each other’s life.

You were the one I knew I’d give all of my life to even when I wasn’t the only one. I cherished every memory, not thinking if they would ever become regrets. Was it a mistake to give my love to you? I didn’t care then. I didn’t mind if fate planned for us to go our separate ways because what mattered was you filling that void in my life even if it wasn’t for a lifetime.

Let me love you still.
Let me express the affection behind your back.
Let me reveal the love I feel for you.
Let me grieve as I walk out of your life.

AK, Itchan...thanks =)

I couldn't believe it. It has only been 3 weeks since that day when I had to end it all...and today, I saw him. How unfair it is to hate him when I recall the times spent together, yet still love him, long for him...because it is only from afar that I could do so...


"Oo nga, you'll give me what I want...the independence, the freedom, my moving on...pero hindi mo ba naisip na kaya ko lang pinili yon para hindi makasakit ng ibang tao? Para hindi siya masaktan...and to at least save myself a little dignity that may somewhat still be left? Na sa lahat ng nagawa kong mali, may magawa naman akong tama...Mahal kita. Mahal ka niya. Mahal mo sya...tanggapin mong ramdam ko iyon. Siya ang mas nauna,ako ang dapat magparaya."

It sucks...to do the right thing, to be on the losing end, believing that things will be fine...but knowing that they wouldn't.

Two years...should have been enough...should have been too much...But I tried everything...denied the truth...even deceived myself...Still, the footprints he left never faded... And saying goodbye for good has made me miserable.

"Everything was a lie. You made everything a lie for me. I think I should thank you for that. You showed me what the real world was all about: Deception and lies...I really hate you, and for as long as I am loving you, I will keep hating you...I never hated anybody the way I do now because I never loved anybody the way I loved you..."

Will someone tell me, until when?

Sheeeesh...

WTF?!!!! How could a good start end up so shitty?

This stupid headache is killing me, and I just couldn't seem to concentrate on what I need to do. The clock says 8:13 pm, and I'm stuck with an account that doesn't want to enter the module I just coded...

Are aliens abducting me? Or am I just slowly losing it?

Don't mess around with me now...I just might mess you up.

What are friends for?

Rj called the other day and told me that his mom was confined at Makati Medical Center due to a heart problem. Since I was within the vicinity, I decided to visit.

I left the office at around 9 and it took me 30 minutes to walk along Ayala Avenue before reaching the hospital, but my feet didn't seem to mind. I enjoyed walking, especially under the moonlit sky...I was excited to see my bestfriend among the guys, but somewhat gloomy that we had to meet at such an occasion.


It has been a year since we last saw each other, but I could still recall the times he has been there for me. In college, he saw me cry a number of times because of the most nonsense of reasons, but he still just allowed the tears to trickle down my cheeks...I always used to think that those people who witnessed tears streaming down my face were considered by myself as true friends. Not everyone gets to see that defenseless side of me...What more now...I think I don't know how to cry anymore...


For some people, a person who cried a lot was irritating, somewhat showing weakness and dependency...that's why I always felt free around Rj, although he and I had a lot of differences. He accepted me for being weak and strong, for being timid and aggressive...for all the contradictions rolled into one being...me.


It was painful to see him go through such an ordeal. Although he put up this facade which showed strength, I knew deep inside he was worried for his mom. I never knew how to act in such circumstances, so I just told him to be strong and for him not to forget to pray...


As I was nearing our house, I received a text message from him thanking me for my visit.
"Maddy, ingat ka. Thanks for visiting my mom. God bless."

Rj, for all the times you've been there for me, let me repay you in my own little way...you and your family never left my prayers.

Trying to make sense... =)

I'm no love guru...but it's easy to spot people who are in love. You see it in their eyes, the way they look at each other and somehow, you also feel it in their touch, although not an inch of their skin is touching mine.


Sometimes, people deny it...out of fear that the other person might avoid him/her if he/she found out, but still, their longingness for that person is so obvious. I guess, they just need more time...to get the hang of it..to learn what dance steps they have to use as they listen and sway to the tunes of romance.


Life is too short to keep thinking and not doing anything. If there's nothing stopping you from expressing your true emotions to the one you love, then go! As long as you know you're not hurting anybody along the way, then nothing should be of any hindrance. Never be afraid. Love is a risk...a risk always worth taking.


Sometimes, there are people who think that they are in love with somebody else, even if they're already committed to someone...those instances when the one who's in love wonders how it would be like to be with the new "somebody". There are people who take the risk and leave their present significant other, but then there are those who will try anything to manage both, simply because he doesn't want to choose...doesn't want to live life without...well, both.


I think that life is a matter of choice, with every rationalization to be explained in due time. Every action has a corresponding reaction, a consequence resulting from the decision we made. Nothing in life is ever easy. We would always have to go through a needle's hole before we attain the peace of mind and contentment we so long desire. That's why, we should learn how to choose the best option...not to always get everything we want...because if we don't choose now, we might lose everything.


**********************************************************
Sometimes I wonder if I should consider this as a gift, this ability to know who's in the heart of another...


Then again, sometimes, I wish I didn't feel too much...because I know that the one I love...loves me...


But...

Just a day to spare...it's worth every ounce of sweat!

Habitat for the Heart

I remember telling my mother the night of Saturday, "Ma, masaya ako."

I just came home from the company's corporate citizenship activity that time, wherein we tied up with Habitat for Humanity and Hands-on Manila. Although I was tired and exhausted from merely passing on pails of cement, the fulfillment I felt was overwhelming. The sun's heat reminded me that I was fully alive, capable of doing wonderful things if only I set my mind into doing productive things.

More than that, I enjoyed spending the sweaty afternoon with friends: Carla, AK and Christian. As each day passes by, every experience spent together enables us to build a deeper friendship...a relationship unbounded by the ties that work brings us. Then, I also got to meet a new set of friends, wherein hopefully, there'd be a future of happy moments to look forward to!

Dreaming doesn't cost a thing

Before the life-altering misfortune struck my family, I wanted to become a doctor of children (aka pediatrics). I thought it was the end of my life when I found out I couldn't pursue it anymore.

But you know what, I learned I shouldn't stop dreaming just because our dreams may seem impossible to reach. There are other roads to take if only we take the time to open our eyes a little more and see that everything around us are being hit by the sun's rays. God has a different plan for me, and now I know how to trust.

Before I get old and gray, these are now my dreams...
==> to be able to build a school for special children
==> to have a business of my own
==> to be able to build a pre-school (and teach?!)
==> write a book (or books?!!! hehe =)
==> sing and dance in a musicale (juuuuustttt kidding!!!!)
==> build a home for homeless children (Yes, I LOVE kids)

My life begins now that I have something to live for.

Hehe =)

Guess I couldn't keep myself from blogging! Well, writing has been a part of my life and somehow, I just love to do it. If there's anything I'm passionate about, this is it.

I started keeping a journal since I was 14 years old. Growing up as an only child, I've dealt with thinking of ways to keep myself busy, and since I rarely go out, I found enjoyment in reading books and writing everyday, nonsense thoughts. When I was in high school, I wrote for our school paper, but I always wrote under a pen name, except when I wrote the news. I don't know why I didn't want anybody to know it was me, but perhaps, it was out fear that I would expose myself too much. But you know what, most of my articles weren't taken out of my own experiences, but out of others'. Not everything I write pertains to my personal misadventures, but in a way, they also serve as an expression of another person's feelings, those emotions that they have difficulty revealing...and somehow, I guess I just put those emotions into words.

It's not just about hearing what they're saying, but listening to what their hearts are shouting; not just about being sympathetic to their situation, but being empathic. It will amaze you how you'd learn the art of seeing the person for whoever he/she is, without having to ask him/her about himself/herself...but the greatest gift of all is looking into a person's eyes, and knowing just what's going inside her heart and mind even without words.

You know, we can learn a lot from listening to other people's life stories. You'll find meaning in why people cross the same path. There's always something new to learn to help you grow, to help you keep on moving on despite the falling down, and to allow you to keep on breathing amidst the little deaths.

I believe that strangers are friends we have not yet met and their coming into my life will always keep my feet on the ground.

I believe that friends are the other pieces to make me complete.

And I believe that God resides in each of our hearts, if only we find the time to listen and embrace Him.

A Reason to Smile

I used to joke my mom about what took her and my dad so long before they tied the knot. You see, they both got married in their early forties, and every time I'd ask her about it, she's just simply smile at me, as if saying, "You would understand in due time."

Certainly, that time has come.

Ever since I opened myself up to the world, I was always swept away by other people's tales of romance. Stories of love and passion allowed me to become a fountain of affection, despite my personal experiences of failure when it came to matters of the heart. I must admit I was never lucky in love, and sometimes, I would be on the brink of becoming numb to the emotion, in the attempt to escape the harshness of hearbreak. However, amidst the numerous times of having my heart broken, I still find it in me to give love another chance. I have come to realize that nothing could ever measure up to the happiness and contentment that showers of affection brought. Pains and heartaches were mere tools used by fate to make each of us stronger and wiser, less naive and gullible.

Night after night, I kept on pondering about what love was really all about. I tried to give it a concrete definition, but LOVE cannot be defined, this I am sure of now. It is an experience, not just an action or a verb nor just an emotion. Sometimes love may just be love...but its effects are boundless, and to characterize IT would limit these effects.

Since I was a child, my mom would stay up late as she waited for my dad to come home from work at midnight. At the sound of my dad's car, she would quietly open the gate for him, help him with his attache case and lead him to the dining room, where a perfectly cooked meal has been prepared. She would sit with him while he ate, and they would exchange stories of how their days went. After my dad finished eating, she would tell him to take his shower while she cleaned up. Almost every night, they slept at the same time. Then, 5 hours later, my mom wakes up ahead of my dad so she could prepare his bath and breakfast. My mom took good care of my dad. She understood the sacrifices my dad did in order to provide for his family.

For two decades, I was witness to this testimonial of love. My mom never complained, never gave my dad a headache. She always made sure that he had a home to return to when he left his office.

I never heard them say they loved each other, though. Nevertheless, their actions definitely spoke louder.

My dad never failed to remember important dates. Every year on Valentine's Day, he would come home with roses for my mom. On her birthday, he would bring her her favorite food. My mom loved pizza, and every time he sensed her exhaustion, he would surprise her with one.

There was a certain understanding between them, and they had their own ways of showing affection...

I never really knew my dad until he retired. To me, he was the figure of discipline and superiority, incapable of expressing feelings. However, time changed my view towards him. He was no longer seen just as the provider, but THE father...THE husband.

Whenever my mom got sick, he was there to give relief. I saw the look of worry on his face, that same look my mom had when my dad got a heart operation. I never quite looked into it then, but now I am sure they both felt they couldn't live without each other. They are growing old together, and there is no sweeter love story than this.

The most interesting fact about their love story is this: they were schoolmates in high school, with my mom being just a year ahead of my dad, but they never met until a decade after. It took them quite a long time to find a piece of heaven when they found each other, but destiny took its course and brought them together. They never searched, but they both found the most wonderful blessing.

Now, I understand what my mom always told me: Never haste yourself into falling in love. Whoever he is, he would come in the proper time and love will take it from there.

You know what, I believe her. ;-)

*******************************************

Yesterday was my parent's 23rd Anniversary...

And yes, we all enjoyed the pizza.

Breather

Information Overload.

Just had a walkthrough with one of my application architects, and since I'm relatively still 'learning', my mind is going into panic mode, desperately trying to absorb everything she just told me, but my heart is jumping from my guts to my brain.

Okay...we're going to have lunch now. I need to breathe in air...any kind of air.

Just Today...Leave me be =)

It's Valentine's Day...there's a reason for people to become sappy and mushy...and I hate it when the spirit of the season gets to me. Good thing, it's just one day.


So, let me have today...just today...to be true to myself...give me these remaining hours to miss him and feel the pain all over again...because perhaps the hurt never left...the heartbreak was only covered...because I knew I had to move on...

Missing you

- Freestyle

I've been through so much pain since you left me

I just can't convince myself we're through

Things have been said and done

I guess it's over now you're gone
It's true when they say that lovers come and go

But deep in my heart I just wanna let you know

The love that we once shared is everything

That there's nothing to compare
Chorus:
'Coz I'm missing you so bad

Now that you're not by my side

I guess you could say it's me

Who's hurting so bad after all this time
After all that we've been through

Baby aren't you hurtin' too

Now that I've lost the power to pretend no no no

I guess you could see right through me
This yearnin' I can't explain

Feeling I just cannot contain

I know someday I'll get over you

It just takes time and some getting used to

Each day I'm feeling blue

Every road leads me back to you

My only regret is this (though this should not be my regret at all): I wish he gave me the chance, gave us the opportunity...before he decided, before he finally chose her over me.

I wish he didn't make me believe it was love he was feeling. I wish that things weren't so complicated between us. I wish he didn't have to lie. I wish he didn't tell me he loved me if he really didn't. I wish he trusted me. I wish he didn't give me a cd with a compilation ofall the songs which reminded him of me. I wish I was the only one in his life. I wish he knew how to fight for me. I wish he...really loved me.

But it is such crap to believe that he did love me. A person who loved you would never do anything to hurt you, would never hold another's hand even when you have your back turned...

New Year's Eve...
Him: I love you

Me <= dumbfounded, speechless

Him: Do you love me?

Me: I love you.

Saying these words now prove to be worthless.

After New Year's Eve:
Friend: Is she your girlfriend?

Him: Just a friend...

Me <= blank...

Trust me, you'll feel numb after getting hit by a thousand bricks over and over again...

I went home that night with the decision to stay away for good. For the second time, I was denied. A bestfriend, a friend...that's all I'll ever be. You know what's keeping him from telling them about me? He never told me, but then again, I know he would die before he ever admitted it. He couldn't leave her. Still, he loved her more than he loved me.

What do we mean to each other

- Sergio Mendes

I'd rather know if you had turned the page

If you go faster than I do

Suddenly it's not so clear just what I am to you

Am I friend, am I lover, do we still need each other

When you touch me, when you touch me baby I can tell
What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now

If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here

What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now

Do you love me still or do you just mean well
I can see clearly how im hurting you

Every breath gives you a way

All we go on separate roads has gone in the way.

Am I friend, am I lover, do we still need each other

When you hold me, when you hold me baby I can tell
What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now

If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here

What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now

Do you love me still or do you just mean well
Time became a poison looking slowly on my home

Screwing all the memories, Is it tearing us apart

When you touch me, when you touch me baby I can tell
What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now

If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here

What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now

Do you love me still or do you just mean well
What do we mean to each other, am I friend, am I lover is it over now

If this is it then why bother tell me where do we take it from here

What do we mean to each other am I friend ,am I lover, is it over now

Do you love me still or do you just mean well
Do you love me still or do you just mean well

I was a warrior deemed to lose, meant to die, not just fall...because just when I thought I was fighting the good fight, the man whom I was fighting the battle for was the one who stabbed a knife straight into my heart.

I know, it has been a year and six months since he left me bruised, but sometimes the cut still stings as if it were fresh...I know I should just forget, forgive and prod on...but how could I when I am still secretly waiting, hoping that the stars would align for me and that he'd realize we were meant to be? How could I move on if I am loving him still in silence, despite my cold treatment and escape?

This is me...the pathetic me...still in love with him...God knows for how long.

But tomorrow, I'll be telling you...I'm so over him.

Last Thing

- Diana Anaid

I'll stay away Dont have to face this

It's my mistake And no one's business
I'm trying not to want to hurt him

Trying not to start this up again
He's in my way And no surprises

It's been all day Somehow survived it
I'm trying not to want to hurt him

Trying not to start this up again
Chorus: It's the last thing thats I need right now

Someone to bring me down

And I've got a rule that I have made up now he moved out

No way, no boys allowed

And there's a reason why I keep my distance

Don't think you're gonna understand

This is the last thing that I need right now
No need to stay

My choice, i made it

I keep away

Don't have to take it
'Cause I'm trying not to want to hurt him

Trying not to start this up again
(Chorus)
Don't need a boyfriend

Not one like him

Don't wanna be the foolish girl I was

And end up worse again

You say It's from me

I'll be keeping away

Don't wanna be the same foolish girl again
I'll stay away

Don't have to face this

It's my mistake And no one's business
I am trying not to want to hurt him

Trying not to start this up again
(Chorus)

Cream Frap, Fries and Strawberries

Couldn't believe it's the end of the week again...sigh.

Some people jump up and down whenever this day comes, but all I ever did when I woke up was give out a heavy sigh. Fridays and Mondays are the most depressing days for me...it's actually difficult to explain, though I'll try...

Monday is the first day of the week, right? Not knowing what's up for the week is the fun part. I LOVE surprises, and I don't really care if something out of the ordinary occurs...but that's just it. Nothing unusual ever happens. Every other week is the same, and somehow the monotony takes out every ounce of enthusiasm out of my life. Don't get me wrong, though, because I thank God for each day...It just gets harder, you know, when you have to convince yourself everyday that you are going to have a good day.

Then, Friday is Thank-God-It's-Friday for everyone else, except for me. Weekends mean a lot of thinking...and realizations just keep on coming. You know, just when you want to sit down and free your mind from all the worries of the week, it's your heart that begins to whisper or sometimes shout.

What's wrong with you? Why couldn't I do better? Why is it so unfair?
Blah. Blah. Blah... And all the sentimental crap there is.

Sigh.
You may think I'm crazy.

Well, damn right I am.

Good thing there's cream frap, fries and stawberries to get me by.

Best Years of My Life

Night after night and day by day,
I celebrate the freedom...
I follow the trail that fate has paved,
and cry for the best years of my life!

Because heaven has blessed me with irreplaceable treasures,
found in the dearest of friends...
Though moments spent have become memories,
I cherish the best years of my life.

As I watch the sands of time slip through my fingers,
I recall the smiles brought upon my face.
As I run to the arms of loved ones,
I feel the warmth of the best years of my life.

Angels I have met throughout the journey...
feeling the air of heaven as they spread their wings...
finding contentment through comforting stares...
now I could rest because I've experience the best years of my life.

To those who walked with me, held my hand and stayed beside me, thank you... =)
Hugs and kisses!

Then

Watch the raindrops trickle down the windowpane...

Be engulfed in the mixture of emotions

and just let the tears fall down.

Then, heave with every breath of sorrow.

Speak the language of the soul,

muttered by the anguished heart;

just taste the bitterness of love's past,

then, let the tears dry on your lips.

Let it dry. Let it die.

Let the wind wash it all away.

Let the rain cleanse the pain.

Then, let the night freeze the heartache.

As you turn around and face your own reflection,

look beyond the pretentions of your eyes...

See that the love you have for him remains...

Then, cry even more...

until you can't cry no more...

Not Looking Back

Why love me now when it has ended?

Why express sentiments after I let you go?

It is but mere need that pulls you towards me,

a need out of desperation and unhappiness...

a yearning I may have filled before

but you left ignored and unappreciated...

This bittersweet vengeance in unintentional,

but a living proof that the heart grows tired...

weary from waiting all those times,

seeming like centuries when you left me

unwanted - unloved - always behind

Teach yourself how to move on,

the way you taught me to...
The hands of time could never go back
for we could never pick up the sands that slipped
through our fingers

Athough you reach out for just that warm touch,

no hand of mine would return to the grasp that made me bleed...

The road we used to travel has been blocked...

no longer passable...

no longer returnable...

Monday!!!

It's Monday again, the start of another week. Sigh. How time flies! Didn't even realize January was over until today. The first month has passed and soon, we'll be celebrating another new year...

I've somewhat adjusted to work already. =) The people in my team have been so fun to work with, and then, there are the Cobolleros...

There are already so many treasured experiences despite the short span of time we've spent together.

This new chapter in my life began with uncertainty, but as each day goes by, I am assured that the path I chose is guided. There is no reason to doubt...no reason to question why...I'm taking it just as it is, and be happy, even for no reason at all.

I miss the sisses, brods, my UP friends, MC friends...

Fun times...living them still as if they were in the "now"...

These are just some of the people I dearly miss...