Cream Frap, Fries and Strawberries

Couldn't believe it's the end of the week again...sigh.

Some people jump up and down whenever this day comes, but all I ever did when I woke up was give out a heavy sigh. Fridays and Mondays are the most depressing days for me...it's actually difficult to explain, though I'll try...

Monday is the first day of the week, right? Not knowing what's up for the week is the fun part. I LOVE surprises, and I don't really care if something out of the ordinary occurs...but that's just it. Nothing unusual ever happens. Every other week is the same, and somehow the monotony takes out every ounce of enthusiasm out of my life. Don't get me wrong, though, because I thank God for each day...It just gets harder, you know, when you have to convince yourself everyday that you are going to have a good day.

Then, Friday is Thank-God-It's-Friday for everyone else, except for me. Weekends mean a lot of thinking...and realizations just keep on coming. You know, just when you want to sit down and free your mind from all the worries of the week, it's your heart that begins to whisper or sometimes shout.

What's wrong with you? Why couldn't I do better? Why is it so unfair?
Blah. Blah. Blah... And all the sentimental crap there is.

Sigh.
You may think I'm crazy.

Well, damn right I am.

Good thing there's cream frap, fries and stawberries to get me by.

Best Years of My Life

Night after night and day by day,
I celebrate the freedom...
I follow the trail that fate has paved,
and cry for the best years of my life!

Because heaven has blessed me with irreplaceable treasures,
found in the dearest of friends...
Though moments spent have become memories,
I cherish the best years of my life.

As I watch the sands of time slip through my fingers,
I recall the smiles brought upon my face.
As I run to the arms of loved ones,
I feel the warmth of the best years of my life.

Angels I have met throughout the journey...
feeling the air of heaven as they spread their wings...
finding contentment through comforting stares...
now I could rest because I've experience the best years of my life.

To those who walked with me, held my hand and stayed beside me, thank you... =)
Hugs and kisses!

Then

Watch the raindrops trickle down the windowpane...

Be engulfed in the mixture of emotions

and just let the tears fall down.

Then, heave with every breath of sorrow.

Speak the language of the soul,

muttered by the anguished heart;

just taste the bitterness of love's past,

then, let the tears dry on your lips.

Let it dry. Let it die.

Let the wind wash it all away.

Let the rain cleanse the pain.

Then, let the night freeze the heartache.

As you turn around and face your own reflection,

look beyond the pretentions of your eyes...

See that the love you have for him remains...

Then, cry even more...

until you can't cry no more...

Not Looking Back

Why love me now when it has ended?

Why express sentiments after I let you go?

It is but mere need that pulls you towards me,

a need out of desperation and unhappiness...

a yearning I may have filled before

but you left ignored and unappreciated...

This bittersweet vengeance in unintentional,

but a living proof that the heart grows tired...

weary from waiting all those times,

seeming like centuries when you left me

unwanted - unloved - always behind

Teach yourself how to move on,

the way you taught me to...
The hands of time could never go back
for we could never pick up the sands that slipped
through our fingers

Athough you reach out for just that warm touch,

no hand of mine would return to the grasp that made me bleed...

The road we used to travel has been blocked...

no longer passable...

no longer returnable...

Monday!!!

It's Monday again, the start of another week. Sigh. How time flies! Didn't even realize January was over until today. The first month has passed and soon, we'll be celebrating another new year...

I've somewhat adjusted to work already. =) The people in my team have been so fun to work with, and then, there are the Cobolleros...

There are already so many treasured experiences despite the short span of time we've spent together.

This new chapter in my life began with uncertainty, but as each day goes by, I am assured that the path I chose is guided. There is no reason to doubt...no reason to question why...I'm taking it just as it is, and be happy, even for no reason at all.

I miss the sisses, brods, my UP friends, MC friends...

Fun times...living them still as if they were in the "now"...

These are just some of the people I dearly miss...

Wala lang

I may be coming down with a fever. My body has been fighting the viruses which are trying to plague my system for two weeks now…and I think that if I don’t get enough rest tonight, it will succeed.

Reasons why I feel I’m going to get sick:

Lack of sleep. I only get real rest on weekends, meaning complete 8 hours of sleep, without having to wake up before the rooster crows. It’s fascinating, though, how my body clock has already adjusted because even on weekends, I wake up at 4:30 in the morning, which is my usual time to get up on weekdays. On a regular basis, I consider getting 5 hours of sleep as lucky.

Diet. Being healthy entails a lot of sacrifices. Doctors have told me to lose weight but I just didn’t know how. Well, now, I am determined to follow a strict diet plan of low salt, low sugar, and low fat. My interpretation of that simply means no junkfood, including burgers and fries, no softdrinks and no chocolates. Just the thought makes me go weak…but then again, this is all for the best. I hope that my system adjusts to it somehow, even if:
Breakfast at 5:00 am: cereal/rice
Morning snack: crackers
Lunch at 12:00 noon: salad/pasta
Afternoon snack: crackers
Supper before 6:00 pm: any fruit
However, I know better not to deprive myself of the best things in life. Certainly not! I can still eat what I crave for, though no longer as often as I want.

Sigh. This is hard work…Nevertheless, I am going to do my best to take good care of myself.


Mom: Your dad is going to buy you a mic. (serious)
Me: Why? (confused)
Mom: Because he pities you for always singing in the shower… (grinning)

Such sweet parents…Couldn’t ask for anything more. =)

Live each day as if it were your last, but keep all learnings from past mistakes...the sun may set, but as long as the world turns, there will always be a new day ahead.
Photograph by Ian Britton

It Gets Better Everyday

What gets better everyday?!!!

Life.

Waking up to each brand new day, and welcoming the sunshine to touch my skin and warm my heart...these are the things I look forward to everyday. I am reborn every time I wake up even when I die every evening as I sleep.

The weekend that just passed was an eye-opener. After a long, long time, I was able to sit, relax, unwind...and think, just think about my life. Something I haven't done for a long time now, which explains the depression hovering above me for the past few days, and the bleak and vague entries I have been posting here.

You see, I have discerned that I cannot survive without having to spend time by myself, to assess who I've become, and why I dare get out of bed each day. I must be constantly reminded of the purpose of life, of why we breathe in oxygen, of how the heat of the sun can burn our skin, yet make us feel so alive...I thirst for answers, answers which I know mostly possess no absolute truths. I search for meaning amidst the superficiality of worldly existence...

But when this sense of direction falters, I slowly lose all of myself...and blindly live a life full of negativity. However, even in earlier years, I have managed to control this insane condition without having to hit my head with a brick...

And so, I reminded myself to breathe...to look at the sky and wonder at the magnificence of the stars...to find contentment in the simple things, those bountiful blessings we mortals often ignore, but are in fact, more real than what we perceive them to be.

I am ready once more...let all the problems, disappointments and trials rain on me.

Nothing could pull me down...because I know I am fighting the good fight, with God on my side.

We are all lucky to be alive. Be happy. Thank God for it.

Time to Refresh

I think I make my own problems, welcome my own depression and concoct my own heartbreak, because in reality, nobody could ever hurt me. Nobody could ever turn me down. Nobody could push and pull me against the wall, because this is my life.

Mine alone, and no one else's.

Upon waking up this morning, I suddenly realized there was too much hatred residing within me. Behind the smiles and jolly greetings, at the end of the day, I am exhausted by the ghosts of a not-so-distant-past, vacuuming the sheer excitement that may still be left of this so-called life. Ugh! When will the cries end? I want to hear the echoes of the angels instead.

I know, it has been a long time, and I should just bury it all in the past. BUT...I cannot live my life pretending and just casting regrets aside. I cannot wake up to another tomorrow wondering about how my present could have been if we didn't hate each other.

"With a clean break, you move on...but when you leave things a mess, it just...hurts. It will keep hurting." Quoting a line from a movie, "Little Black Book", which I saw yesterday for the second time around, sometimes the wisest adages come from shallow romance flicks.

The most painful thing there is is this: I cannot do anything. I have no power, no courage...

I'll just leave it up to fate, I guess...until that day when I see them come around the corner and flash me a smile.

***********************************

I opened my pc this morning, and to my surprise found an invitation for membership to this website: www. dyosa.com.

Quite intruiging, definitely flattering...a confidence booster.

I smile today, and thank the one, whoever you are...

Pointless Nonsense

pseudo: false; deceptive; sham; not genuine but having the appearance of; a person who makes deceitful pretenses

temptress: an alluring, bewitching woman; enchantress: a woman who is considered to be dangerously seductive

Defining the url for this blog should have been done a long time ago, but I guess I wasn't able to find the words to do so. Prompted by an uncontrollable desire to vent out my anger and frustation, the right moment to write this is now.

I have always thought of myself as knowing my boundaries and not exceeding certain limitations, as I was brought up to act accordingly in different situations. However, as I continue to live this so-called life, I realize that what I want others to percieve about me is really not what they see. And I suppose that is something I could never change. They have their own viewpoints that I respect, as they are all duly entitled to their own opinions. Sometimes, though, I find myself being pulled towards their own perceptions that I somewhat lose myself one way or another, which is such a tragedy.

Now, sticking to the real point I want to make.

I do not see myself in any way as a temptress, thus the prefix pseudo...For one, I could never categorize myself as alluring or even dangerously seductive. So why did I connect such a name to my individuality?

The answer to that arises from the curse that has been casted upon me...or to the idiotic actions of SOME guys who just really want to screw up my life. (Pardon the tactlessness, I just really am pissed off)

Although the occurrences are few, the impact on my life has been drastic. I now see the world in a less colorful way, filled with deception and lies, as love is just an external entity, not to be experienced in its truest sense, but to be used just to fulfill one's egotistical desires. Yes, it all boils down to my incessant ranting about the unacceptable behavior of the opposite sex. No, I am not a man-hater...as if there's something I can do about a world full of a**...

Damn.

I'm sorry, emotions are getting the best of me. I can't make my point.

Dry

My saturation period has been reached...

my soul is thirsty, my skin too dry...

the sun has set to meet my doom,

tomorrow is just another reality ending too soon.

Without a warning, it dawns upon me...

the string that ties around my heart, my head, my sanity

has all been just a lie...

there's nothing to pull me out...

nothing to bind me down...

no one to chain me.

I am but me,

not alone,

though alone...

still a wanderer,

independently searching,

desperately trying to live...

but in the middle of the journey,

tumbles and falls:

now, blinded...jaded...broken.

Scream and shout!

Release the pain, cut the anguish...

but in the end, it all remains...

there are no chains around me...

just a knife stabbed on my chest.

So Be It

My mother always told me not to haste life and love. I remember her say, “All in due time,” and you know what, I believe her. Everything does come in its proper time and all the reasons would be rationalized one way or another.

I was what she categorized as a “late bloomer”, and sometimes I still like to think of myself as childlike. (*Take note: not childish* : ) To see life through the eyes of a child has done me wonders, and I have never felt so peaceful until I recently mastered and appreciated this art. Not once have I prayed for life to speed up…hence, I think I am living my life to the fullest.

However, there did come a point in my life when I asked this question: Where was (romantic) love? Every good thing happened to me and there was nothing to ask for, but one night, emptiness overpowered my entire being. You see, I have tragically acquired a certain phobia, which I honestly have no idea where I got since I have always been inspired by romance novels in earlier years. Not until last year, I found out that this quote-unquote disease that struck me had a name!

Philophobia: fear of falling or being in love

I tried looking for consolation and denied the truth behind an individual’s need to love and be loved in return…my need to experience love…but as the universe conspired to make me all the more miserable, I finally accepted that love had to have a place inside me.

I think that my constant reading of romance novels and pocketbooks cultivated this pursuit for sentimentality, but along with that was the belief that only beautiful people came in contact with the emotion. Somewhat, I accepted my fate towards being just an inanimate object in the fairy tale. It’s not that love hasn’t knocked on my door yet. It has, but somehow I confess that I am blind when it comes to feeling the emotion, insensitive as other people may see it. For you see, I always felt that they deserved someone else, not me, someone who would be willing to risk everything and love them with all they’ve got. I do love with everything I have, but then…I try to escape. There would be no use investing emotions with me because sooner or later, I will --- vanish.

I am the epitome of a “runaway girlfriend”, the personification of a non-committal, love-is-suicide individual. When things are going perfectly well, I try to get a way out of the relationship. There’s actually a perfect word for it: PANIC. Yes, I panic. I lose my nerve and go to pieces. I’ve even invented something that’s entirely my own: the two-dates syndrome. I only last going on two dates with a guy, and then…I want my life back. Strange, isn’t it?

Though I have fallen in love… if the description of liking someone, and if thinking that this man is worth taking the risk for, is under that category…then, indeed I have fallen in love. Thrice, I think, including that from high school. I couldn’t really explain it because somehow, I just woke up with the feeling that I was up for a wild rollercoaster ride. You know, the oh-no-what-is-this kind of emotion you just suddenly get upon waking up one morning, followed by my I-don’t-like-this-feeling-at-all. Well, as expected, nothing resulted from those three. Either I ran away since the beginning or I did give in for quite some time but eventually turned my back.

Some may assume that I’m just afraid of getting hurt that’s why I don’t want to risk it, but I have gotten hurt many times before. I know how it feels when you find out your “partner” cheated on you, how being taken for granted can make one crazy, and how it feels when you realize it just isn’t working. No, I’m not afraid to get hurt. In fact, I will do everything I could to fight for love…well, that is, if I feel the sincerity and honesty. You know, I almost did fight for love…but I learned it was hopeless to win a battle on my own.

So I guess fate is still preparing the one meant for me…

Love will come in its own time…

Or maybe God has a different plan for me…

So be it.

Moving On

The coldness of the season has finally taken its toll on me. On my way home last night, I felt the breeze on my skin…I wanted to look up at the sky and see if stars were twinkling brightly, but a voice held me back. There were so many memories, too many recollections, too much pain for the heart to endure.

This is probably the stage that I could notably call, ‘moving-on-relapse’, wherein everything in the present seems to fall back to the times when he was just a phone call away, when missing his presence wasn’t such a big deal, and when I could freely tell him that I love him, without conditions or expectations. It’s a good thing he’s keeping up with his end of the bargain now…of finally allowing me to cut all forms of communication between us. (After what seemed like a hundred attempts, I finally convinced him this was best for both of us.)

The very last time we talked was 3 weeks ago. After 6 months of not replying to his texts or his calls, I figured that maybe it was time to start anew. I thought I was ready to open up myself for friendship, but I now accept that being friends with him is impossible. Hearing his voice still made me vulnerable and every time he brought up what-used-to-be, I could not help but feel the sting and disappointment of heartbreak. Though, he never knew it was painful for me because I have mastered the art of pretending. To see beyond my smile and reach deep into my soul has never been his forte. He believed me whenever I told him I was perfectly fine, even when I wasn’t.

I used to just disappear on him…to just avoid his calls even when we were happily conversing the night before. I know it’s unfair, but I never liked going dramatic on him. He wouldn’t be able to do anything about my emotions anyway.

This time, though, I said my last goodbye. My determination to completely move on with my life has overpowered my heart’s desire.

Emotionless Love

Every girl dreams of having a significant other...be it the charming prince who'd sweep a damsel in distress off her feet or the poor boy who'd win the princess' love with his big heart... In the stillness of the night, we look up at the stars and wish on the brightest one, hoping against hope that the person we greet the new day with would be the ‘one’.


Searching and waiting…such a tedious performance; longing and hurting…in painfully keeping all the love inside that's waiting to overflow for the supposedly worthy one. It’s considered a miracle when you find someone who would truly love and accept you for who you are, despite the adversities and romance’s ill-fate in this time and age.


So, people ask, why let go of love when it was wrapping its wide arms around me, comforting and sheltering me?


I never make any reply...
Nobody would seem to understand why.


Every time I sit alone in my room, I ponder at the two faces behind love: the face of letting go and the other, that of holding on.


After all the sleepless nights, I gave up…because, you see, the only conclusion I had was this: there are no absolute answers to all the questions revolving around love. It has its shallow depth yet sometimes, a deepness that not everyone could seem to comprehend. At times, it is wrapped in gold strings and warm silky packaging, though there would be instances when it is bounded by prickly stems.


And that's just the way love is. For some mysterious reason, that I don't think anybody could ever explain, love brings two sides of the coin together, that of joy and sorrow. Although we have been told that every relationship is in our hands and that we have the capacity to either make or break it, love is an independent entity that we could never really grasp. Relationships we can handle...but love can only be dealt with by the soul.


So where does all these realizations bring me?
Just this: Love is innate. We could never be numb to the emotion...Though, we have the free will not to express it.

My Favorite Regret

Have I finally taught myself to become numb to an emotion everybody else is talking about...feeling...appreciating? It only seemed like yesterday when I felt the piercing, and I imagined myself taking revenge on an affection that never meant to bring forth hatred, only solace and distress, so as to make us realize the importance of cherishing happy moments. I remember how I couldn't wait to see a reflection in the mirror of a girl who has been set free from the clutches of faded hopes and dreams, of how I prayed for the hurting to stop and enable me to forget all that was, of how I pushed myself to forgive...to forgive him...but most especially, to forgive myself...

Every decision I made was never forced nor commanded...my actions were expressions of how much I loved him because I knew nothing in this world's ever permanent.

I loved him. I don't only think that...because I really did.

Perhaps this is the reason why I'm taking it easy this time, giving myself the chance to breathe and embrace myself. It gets tiring to pretend that one is strong when in fact is not.

Now, I am unfeeling, incapable of loving...still a victim of the past...

So, do I still love him?

Could it be possible for somebody numb to still love?

Until when?

Moving On

There isn't enough years for me to be able to look back at what used-to-be with sweet revelry. Somehow the pain still lingers on, and I have learned to live with it, despite my constant prayers for amnesia. Little by little though, I have managed to leave all regrets behind. There has been so many things I've gained, even when I feel I've gone through the worst, so maybe, experiencing the hurt and the "love" was worth it.

Perhaps this is what they call moving on...I actually didn't think that I would have the strength to prod on, but I am continuing with my life, breathing each day with a renewed thirst for it, somewhat prepared to face all the new trials that would come my way, and definitely trying to be better than before.

Falling in love need not be so multifaceted, as I have discerned. Knowing oneself, to love oneself, is more than enough to win the battle against the tricks destiny plays on our hearts.

Keep on learning. Keep on living. Keep on loving.

The One who Got Away

I'm the one who got away...

I was the one who left him stranded...

I may have been the one who gave up on 'us'...

But I never would have let go if only he assured me.

I recently found out that there's nothing more irritating than your past fitting into your present. There's a battle needed to be won as his ghost materializes and comes to ruin your life once again.

This time, though, I know how to win the war.

I'm the one who got away...

I intend to keep it that way.

Love is a Gamble

Love is a gamble...and there are no flashes nor straights that could mend your heart when it breaks.