Live each day as if it were your last, but keep all learnings from past mistakes...the sun may set, but as long as the world turns, there will always be a new day ahead.
Photograph by Ian Britton

It Gets Better Everyday

What gets better everyday?!!!

Life.

Waking up to each brand new day, and welcoming the sunshine to touch my skin and warm my heart...these are the things I look forward to everyday. I am reborn every time I wake up even when I die every evening as I sleep.

The weekend that just passed was an eye-opener. After a long, long time, I was able to sit, relax, unwind...and think, just think about my life. Something I haven't done for a long time now, which explains the depression hovering above me for the past few days, and the bleak and vague entries I have been posting here.

You see, I have discerned that I cannot survive without having to spend time by myself, to assess who I've become, and why I dare get out of bed each day. I must be constantly reminded of the purpose of life, of why we breathe in oxygen, of how the heat of the sun can burn our skin, yet make us feel so alive...I thirst for answers, answers which I know mostly possess no absolute truths. I search for meaning amidst the superficiality of worldly existence...

But when this sense of direction falters, I slowly lose all of myself...and blindly live a life full of negativity. However, even in earlier years, I have managed to control this insane condition without having to hit my head with a brick...

And so, I reminded myself to breathe...to look at the sky and wonder at the magnificence of the stars...to find contentment in the simple things, those bountiful blessings we mortals often ignore, but are in fact, more real than what we perceive them to be.

I am ready once more...let all the problems, disappointments and trials rain on me.

Nothing could pull me down...because I know I am fighting the good fight, with God on my side.

We are all lucky to be alive. Be happy. Thank God for it.

Time to Refresh

I think I make my own problems, welcome my own depression and concoct my own heartbreak, because in reality, nobody could ever hurt me. Nobody could ever turn me down. Nobody could push and pull me against the wall, because this is my life.

Mine alone, and no one else's.

Upon waking up this morning, I suddenly realized there was too much hatred residing within me. Behind the smiles and jolly greetings, at the end of the day, I am exhausted by the ghosts of a not-so-distant-past, vacuuming the sheer excitement that may still be left of this so-called life. Ugh! When will the cries end? I want to hear the echoes of the angels instead.

I know, it has been a long time, and I should just bury it all in the past. BUT...I cannot live my life pretending and just casting regrets aside. I cannot wake up to another tomorrow wondering about how my present could have been if we didn't hate each other.

"With a clean break, you move on...but when you leave things a mess, it just...hurts. It will keep hurting." Quoting a line from a movie, "Little Black Book", which I saw yesterday for the second time around, sometimes the wisest adages come from shallow romance flicks.

The most painful thing there is is this: I cannot do anything. I have no power, no courage...

I'll just leave it up to fate, I guess...until that day when I see them come around the corner and flash me a smile.

***********************************

I opened my pc this morning, and to my surprise found an invitation for membership to this website: www. dyosa.com.

Quite intruiging, definitely flattering...a confidence booster.

I smile today, and thank the one, whoever you are...

Pointless Nonsense

pseudo: false; deceptive; sham; not genuine but having the appearance of; a person who makes deceitful pretenses

temptress: an alluring, bewitching woman; enchantress: a woman who is considered to be dangerously seductive

Defining the url for this blog should have been done a long time ago, but I guess I wasn't able to find the words to do so. Prompted by an uncontrollable desire to vent out my anger and frustation, the right moment to write this is now.

I have always thought of myself as knowing my boundaries and not exceeding certain limitations, as I was brought up to act accordingly in different situations. However, as I continue to live this so-called life, I realize that what I want others to percieve about me is really not what they see. And I suppose that is something I could never change. They have their own viewpoints that I respect, as they are all duly entitled to their own opinions. Sometimes, though, I find myself being pulled towards their own perceptions that I somewhat lose myself one way or another, which is such a tragedy.

Now, sticking to the real point I want to make.

I do not see myself in any way as a temptress, thus the prefix pseudo...For one, I could never categorize myself as alluring or even dangerously seductive. So why did I connect such a name to my individuality?

The answer to that arises from the curse that has been casted upon me...or to the idiotic actions of SOME guys who just really want to screw up my life. (Pardon the tactlessness, I just really am pissed off)

Although the occurrences are few, the impact on my life has been drastic. I now see the world in a less colorful way, filled with deception and lies, as love is just an external entity, not to be experienced in its truest sense, but to be used just to fulfill one's egotistical desires. Yes, it all boils down to my incessant ranting about the unacceptable behavior of the opposite sex. No, I am not a man-hater...as if there's something I can do about a world full of a**...

Damn.

I'm sorry, emotions are getting the best of me. I can't make my point.

Dry

My saturation period has been reached...

my soul is thirsty, my skin too dry...

the sun has set to meet my doom,

tomorrow is just another reality ending too soon.

Without a warning, it dawns upon me...

the string that ties around my heart, my head, my sanity

has all been just a lie...

there's nothing to pull me out...

nothing to bind me down...

no one to chain me.

I am but me,

not alone,

though alone...

still a wanderer,

independently searching,

desperately trying to live...

but in the middle of the journey,

tumbles and falls:

now, blinded...jaded...broken.

Scream and shout!

Release the pain, cut the anguish...

but in the end, it all remains...

there are no chains around me...

just a knife stabbed on my chest.

So Be It

My mother always told me not to haste life and love. I remember her say, “All in due time,” and you know what, I believe her. Everything does come in its proper time and all the reasons would be rationalized one way or another.

I was what she categorized as a “late bloomer”, and sometimes I still like to think of myself as childlike. (*Take note: not childish* : ) To see life through the eyes of a child has done me wonders, and I have never felt so peaceful until I recently mastered and appreciated this art. Not once have I prayed for life to speed up…hence, I think I am living my life to the fullest.

However, there did come a point in my life when I asked this question: Where was (romantic) love? Every good thing happened to me and there was nothing to ask for, but one night, emptiness overpowered my entire being. You see, I have tragically acquired a certain phobia, which I honestly have no idea where I got since I have always been inspired by romance novels in earlier years. Not until last year, I found out that this quote-unquote disease that struck me had a name!

Philophobia: fear of falling or being in love

I tried looking for consolation and denied the truth behind an individual’s need to love and be loved in return…my need to experience love…but as the universe conspired to make me all the more miserable, I finally accepted that love had to have a place inside me.

I think that my constant reading of romance novels and pocketbooks cultivated this pursuit for sentimentality, but along with that was the belief that only beautiful people came in contact with the emotion. Somewhat, I accepted my fate towards being just an inanimate object in the fairy tale. It’s not that love hasn’t knocked on my door yet. It has, but somehow I confess that I am blind when it comes to feeling the emotion, insensitive as other people may see it. For you see, I always felt that they deserved someone else, not me, someone who would be willing to risk everything and love them with all they’ve got. I do love with everything I have, but then…I try to escape. There would be no use investing emotions with me because sooner or later, I will --- vanish.

I am the epitome of a “runaway girlfriend”, the personification of a non-committal, love-is-suicide individual. When things are going perfectly well, I try to get a way out of the relationship. There’s actually a perfect word for it: PANIC. Yes, I panic. I lose my nerve and go to pieces. I’ve even invented something that’s entirely my own: the two-dates syndrome. I only last going on two dates with a guy, and then…I want my life back. Strange, isn’t it?

Though I have fallen in love… if the description of liking someone, and if thinking that this man is worth taking the risk for, is under that category…then, indeed I have fallen in love. Thrice, I think, including that from high school. I couldn’t really explain it because somehow, I just woke up with the feeling that I was up for a wild rollercoaster ride. You know, the oh-no-what-is-this kind of emotion you just suddenly get upon waking up one morning, followed by my I-don’t-like-this-feeling-at-all. Well, as expected, nothing resulted from those three. Either I ran away since the beginning or I did give in for quite some time but eventually turned my back.

Some may assume that I’m just afraid of getting hurt that’s why I don’t want to risk it, but I have gotten hurt many times before. I know how it feels when you find out your “partner” cheated on you, how being taken for granted can make one crazy, and how it feels when you realize it just isn’t working. No, I’m not afraid to get hurt. In fact, I will do everything I could to fight for love…well, that is, if I feel the sincerity and honesty. You know, I almost did fight for love…but I learned it was hopeless to win a battle on my own.

So I guess fate is still preparing the one meant for me…

Love will come in its own time…

Or maybe God has a different plan for me…

So be it.

Moving On

The coldness of the season has finally taken its toll on me. On my way home last night, I felt the breeze on my skin…I wanted to look up at the sky and see if stars were twinkling brightly, but a voice held me back. There were so many memories, too many recollections, too much pain for the heart to endure.

This is probably the stage that I could notably call, ‘moving-on-relapse’, wherein everything in the present seems to fall back to the times when he was just a phone call away, when missing his presence wasn’t such a big deal, and when I could freely tell him that I love him, without conditions or expectations. It’s a good thing he’s keeping up with his end of the bargain now…of finally allowing me to cut all forms of communication between us. (After what seemed like a hundred attempts, I finally convinced him this was best for both of us.)

The very last time we talked was 3 weeks ago. After 6 months of not replying to his texts or his calls, I figured that maybe it was time to start anew. I thought I was ready to open up myself for friendship, but I now accept that being friends with him is impossible. Hearing his voice still made me vulnerable and every time he brought up what-used-to-be, I could not help but feel the sting and disappointment of heartbreak. Though, he never knew it was painful for me because I have mastered the art of pretending. To see beyond my smile and reach deep into my soul has never been his forte. He believed me whenever I told him I was perfectly fine, even when I wasn’t.

I used to just disappear on him…to just avoid his calls even when we were happily conversing the night before. I know it’s unfair, but I never liked going dramatic on him. He wouldn’t be able to do anything about my emotions anyway.

This time, though, I said my last goodbye. My determination to completely move on with my life has overpowered my heart’s desire.

Emotionless Love

Every girl dreams of having a significant other...be it the charming prince who'd sweep a damsel in distress off her feet or the poor boy who'd win the princess' love with his big heart... In the stillness of the night, we look up at the stars and wish on the brightest one, hoping against hope that the person we greet the new day with would be the ‘one’.


Searching and waiting…such a tedious performance; longing and hurting…in painfully keeping all the love inside that's waiting to overflow for the supposedly worthy one. It’s considered a miracle when you find someone who would truly love and accept you for who you are, despite the adversities and romance’s ill-fate in this time and age.


So, people ask, why let go of love when it was wrapping its wide arms around me, comforting and sheltering me?


I never make any reply...
Nobody would seem to understand why.


Every time I sit alone in my room, I ponder at the two faces behind love: the face of letting go and the other, that of holding on.


After all the sleepless nights, I gave up…because, you see, the only conclusion I had was this: there are no absolute answers to all the questions revolving around love. It has its shallow depth yet sometimes, a deepness that not everyone could seem to comprehend. At times, it is wrapped in gold strings and warm silky packaging, though there would be instances when it is bounded by prickly stems.


And that's just the way love is. For some mysterious reason, that I don't think anybody could ever explain, love brings two sides of the coin together, that of joy and sorrow. Although we have been told that every relationship is in our hands and that we have the capacity to either make or break it, love is an independent entity that we could never really grasp. Relationships we can handle...but love can only be dealt with by the soul.


So where does all these realizations bring me?
Just this: Love is innate. We could never be numb to the emotion...Though, we have the free will not to express it.

My Favorite Regret

Have I finally taught myself to become numb to an emotion everybody else is talking about...feeling...appreciating? It only seemed like yesterday when I felt the piercing, and I imagined myself taking revenge on an affection that never meant to bring forth hatred, only solace and distress, so as to make us realize the importance of cherishing happy moments. I remember how I couldn't wait to see a reflection in the mirror of a girl who has been set free from the clutches of faded hopes and dreams, of how I prayed for the hurting to stop and enable me to forget all that was, of how I pushed myself to forgive...to forgive him...but most especially, to forgive myself...

Every decision I made was never forced nor commanded...my actions were expressions of how much I loved him because I knew nothing in this world's ever permanent.

I loved him. I don't only think that...because I really did.

Perhaps this is the reason why I'm taking it easy this time, giving myself the chance to breathe and embrace myself. It gets tiring to pretend that one is strong when in fact is not.

Now, I am unfeeling, incapable of loving...still a victim of the past...

So, do I still love him?

Could it be possible for somebody numb to still love?

Until when?

Moving On

There isn't enough years for me to be able to look back at what used-to-be with sweet revelry. Somehow the pain still lingers on, and I have learned to live with it, despite my constant prayers for amnesia. Little by little though, I have managed to leave all regrets behind. There has been so many things I've gained, even when I feel I've gone through the worst, so maybe, experiencing the hurt and the "love" was worth it.

Perhaps this is what they call moving on...I actually didn't think that I would have the strength to prod on, but I am continuing with my life, breathing each day with a renewed thirst for it, somewhat prepared to face all the new trials that would come my way, and definitely trying to be better than before.

Falling in love need not be so multifaceted, as I have discerned. Knowing oneself, to love oneself, is more than enough to win the battle against the tricks destiny plays on our hearts.

Keep on learning. Keep on living. Keep on loving.

The One who Got Away

I'm the one who got away...

I was the one who left him stranded...

I may have been the one who gave up on 'us'...

But I never would have let go if only he assured me.

I recently found out that there's nothing more irritating than your past fitting into your present. There's a battle needed to be won as his ghost materializes and comes to ruin your life once again.

This time, though, I know how to win the war.

I'm the one who got away...

I intend to keep it that way.

Love is a Gamble

Love is a gamble...and there are no flashes nor straights that could mend your heart when it breaks.

Do I Stoop Down so Low?

I dare not.

"Do I stoop down so low?"

These were the words I blurted out after hearing his insane accusation. At first, the ridiculous idea offended me, but eventually I found the sarcastic humor to laugh it off. Then at the end of our conversation, the once forgotten hurt resurfaced. This time, though, it wasn't caused by a broken heart. Instead, the pain of insult returned to haunt me.

It never occurred to me that he would think I would do such a thing: to express words of vulgarity to his present girlfriend. Through all those times when his words pierced me, I never uttered a single word of profanity although blood already rushed through my veins. Why would I do such an immature deed now that I've opened my eyes to the truth and have set myself free? I even sympathize with his girl for having to undergo this situation. I wouldn't wanna be in her shoes to begin with.

This unmistakable judge of character is a disappointment. After all this time, nothing changed as to how he saw me. Through everything we've been through, I am still valued so low by the one I chose to shower my affection to in just the recent past.

It's actually a pity, although this time, I do not pity myself. This incident only strengthened my conviction to stay away, as much as it supported my decision to move on with my life without him.

Modesty aside, but I deserve so much more.

Sour Friendship

Lately I've been pondering at how some people could throw a friendship away so easily, to think that you've been friends for what seemed like ages. The trials you both overcame and the laughter you once shared don't seem enough to make the relationship go further. We entrusted each other with our secrets, but now, we're worse than enemies. She's making me non-existent in her life.

Ouch. It pains that the person you trusted and cared for would turn her back on you and as she walked away, would step upon the dignity you thought you had.

I've been too hard on myself. I don't even know if she's in the least affected with regards to the situation that we're in, but I've spent sleepless nights crying over the wasted friendship. Maybe it's supposed to be difficult because the universe wants you to feel that you should at least save what might still be there. But how? I've tried so many times, have gotten tired almost during every attempt, but continued anyway...this time, I know that I still have the strength to give it another shot. However, I've gotten afraid that she'd turn me down all over again. And every time I remember her, tears form in my eyes.

I couldn't seem to give up the friendship, despite the cold stares she's given me and despite her talking behind my back...telling people how a wreck and basketcase I am...how I never learn...how I easily fall...that behind every good intention I've done is someone really fake and deceiving. Maybe I am pretentious, but only when it comes to my own emotions. Every single deed I do for people I care for are genuine...and if she thinks that everything I did for her was just an act...

I simply don't know what to think anymore. Should I even be explaining?

"Never explain. Your TRUE FRIENDS don't need it. Your ENEMIES won't listen."

What I do know is this: she HATES me big time and she definitely ain't even trying to hide the emotion. I still couldn't figure out why she loathes me this much, as if we never had the friendship, as if I hurt her so deeply and as if I've done the most immoral thing there is.

Must I just let go and give her up? And do what she's doing...to just imagine we were never friends?

Maybe there are lessons to be learned here...

1) people aren't who you think they are even if you get to know them...but if you love them, you'll stay by them no matter if they change.

2) trust only your true friends...know who they are.

Sigh. I need to move on...leave every negativity behind.

Funny how someone I love could make me feel such a loser.

Queen of the Damned: Curse of a Woman

A lovely face that charms and mystifies;

brilliant and majestic even with blinded eyes.

Beauty that permeates through thick invisible walls...

Flowing, viscous, radiant light, all over the body, crawls.

But alas! Sorrow and grief behind all the royalty;

pain and suffering underneath the vanity...

a youthful glow masked with porcelain skin...

hiding a dying soul, concealed within...

Those who admire stares and glares

as the look of lust penetrates and tears;

shattering the reflection of innocence...

becoming an object of desire in her mere existence...

That tattooed crease everytime she smiles,

a pretentious sight that feeds and satisfies

the hunger of vicious mortal creatures,

devouring the divinity of her godly features.

She struggles and cries to be freed,

and prayers of damnation, her only creed...

Her real worth rots and wastes away,

for the price of man's erotic craving, she has to pay.

Truth and Lies

Take my hand. We’ll walk awhile, talk awhile…

It was so easy for you to have taken the risk. I, on the other hand, had to plead the angels above to whisper in my ear that I was doing the right thing. You never knew what a big sacrifice it was for me to give in to the emotion, to take your hand, and to walk beside you. You never knew all about the conflicts I had to deal with alone, as well as all the piercing judgments I had to take. I struggled to make the relationship work but you did nothing.
You planned everything, didn’t you? You planned the relationship to be temporary. You had no actual intention of making it last.
SUPERFICIAL JERK: you
STUPID: me

Feel my love, always there beside you

Your words have been useless because I never felt your love beside me at all. If I had, I wouldn’t be exhausted and drained now, would I? I drenched my spirit with every drop of patience and understanding for love to be enough for the both of us. Well, until my soul got too dry.

Be the one. I know you’ll tell me everything. You are the one I cherish more than anything…

LIAR.

I love you more than you’ll ever know…

Do you?

I love you more than you’ll ever see…

Really now…

I love you more than my heart could ever show…

Huh?! You have a heart? Didn’t seem to notice…

I love you more than you’ll ever know…

How could you say you love me? Do you even know what love means?
Loyalty. Faithfulness. Honesty. Sacrifice.
Maybe you forgot about these. Or maybe I just have to understand the newer version of love: getting back together with your ex while you’re still in an existing so-called relationship!
Dude, I’m not stupid.

Think of me and know that I’ll believe in you

Why should I think of you? Who do you think you are? You don’t deserve any remembrance at all.

There’ll always be this precious time together

Oh, how unfortunate for me! I’m going to be stuck with memories of crap.

With every tear, a love strong…

Don’t expect me to shed a tear for you. No asshole deserves my crying over him.

No words could ever say…a love to last forever.

In your dreams! I’m out of your life.

I love you more than you’ll ever know. I love you more than you’ll ever see… I love you more than my heart could ever show… I love you more than you’ll ever know…

Boy, you’ve got an idiotic way of proving it…so stop fooling yourself and cut me some slack.

I’m freeing myself from all your shitty deception.

I Called the Last Shot

I carefully stared at his picture while it burned. His look was stern and strict, as if revealing masculinity and strength as he overcame life’s painful tests. Every line and every curve has been imprinted on my memory, but I at least had to try to forget.

A single spark now slowly blazed into a fiery flame, as if dancing to the lamenting melody sung by my heart. Not once did he ask me to dance nor did he ever hold me close as slow music played to the tunes of romance, but I remember every time he found his smile whenever we were together. I remember how his eyes lit up when I told a joke or whispered sweet nothings in his ear. And now, I was watching his picture be consumed by the fire, erasing every feature that made me fall in love with him.

As black smoke rose up on the air, I knew I had to let everything go, including the princess in my fairy tale. I had to forego every ounce of pain and what remained of all hope, for what once was solid now turned into dust, just like every wish I used to build around love.

Every second seemed to take forever, as if giving me the time to think about what I was doing, and still try to somewhat save a part of the burnt memory. Although I fought the urge of cherishing last glimpses of him, my mind was locking everything deep inside. Still, I had to give forgetting a try.

His body has disappeared and I could already feel the heat at the tip of my fingers. The fire seemed to burn faster now, eating up his chin, his lips, his nose, his eyes, and now his forehead. Slowly I put the burning remnant of a recent past inside an old candle holder as it flickered, then raged a little violently, as if a dying spirit cried in anguish, before it eventually died.

A pungent odor filled my room, as if entailing the loss of love’s aroma. The wind whispered in my ear romance’s cruelties, then enticed me to develop distaste towards it. I bent my head down and close my eyes as I surrendered to the cold embrace of enmity. In the attempt to completely forget, I conceded to losing faith in whatever it was that love deemed real.

As I opened my eyes, I gave out a heavy sigh, then, peeked into the glass candle- holder. The remains of the picture submerged into the wax and there was no way to extract them now. Or maybe I didn’t want to throw them away because it would remind me of the foolishness I once made and of my vulnerability that led to such a bittersweet reality.

Suddenly, the phone rang.
Once. Twice. Thrice.
“Hello?”
A familiar voice…that familiar emotion…
“Maddy, are you there?”
“Yes, Seth. What do you want?” Once again, I let the enemy defeat me.
“I’ve been trying to reach you for days. How are you?” he said. His voice was calm and soothing.
“I’m fine,” I coldly replied.
Silence.
My heart was racing faster and faster. Just when I wanted everything to end, he had to leave yet another painful memory.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he broke the silence.
“For what?” I sarcastically exclaimed.
Then, another string of silence…
Egotistical jerk! He couldn’t even admit it. He has always been used to saying he’s sorry.
“Look, Seth, I’ve got a lot of things to do…” I tried to say, but then he cut me short.
“I miss you, Maddy,” he softly said.
I felt like a little child, unable to speak, dazed and confused, but I knew what had to be done. There have been many second chances, and it was about time I called the last shot.
“I’m really busy, Seth. I have to go.”
With that, I put the receiver down.

The room was no longer filled with smoke. Even the odor was gone. I let a few seconds go by as I just stood beside the phone.

Then, I felt peace. I turned off the light and went to bed.

Tomorrow... It’s going to be a new day, I told myself.

Just Tired

Days are passing by...and I'm getting restless.

Happy moments are but fleeting ones, and I try to cope up with the agonizing hours.

God, until when?

Simple Happiness

I don't live in a mansion, but I'm rich...

I don't have lots of money, but I'm rich...

I know I can't possess every material thing there is, but still, I know I'm rich...

And though there are no treasures buried in my backyard, I know I'm the richest person alive...

I'm rich because I'm deeply loved by the people around me.

They shower their affection ever so warmly that it sometimes seems their breath is the air I

breathe...they simply give me life.

It's quite fascinating how this wealth fulfills me, satisfies me, and makes me whole...and nothing could ever measure up to the contentment I now feel just by having those special people around.

Thank you for staying by me...your love sustains me, and I am forever your servant of love.

Bruised knees and Broken Hearts

Rain poured heavily outside as I watched children run wildly back into their homes. I remember when I used to be one of those kids, shouting with glee as I played tag with the other neighborhood kids. Bruised knees and scraped elbows didn't stop me from having the time of my life.

It used to be so simple then...

Now, a broken heart has temporarily chained me to insanity. So, who broke my heart?

No one.

I did.

See how complex the world we live in is. Even I don't have the right frame of mind to express what it is I'm feeling inside. I used to pour out everything then...to just scribble away and be swept by the influence of all literary juices...but now...I don't know.

I'm at a loss for words. Maybe because I've become numb to an emotion. I've escaped the clutches of sentimentality and have been sucked into the abyss of dark mortality. Yes, it was my choice to free myself from the prison the enemy has locked me in.

And you know what...my enemy was love.

Yes, love tied a rope around my neck. Love stabbed a knife straight to my heart. Love just let me fall into a pit so deep and dark.

There was a time I pleaded Love to end it all. If IT wanted to take every breath out of me, I gave IT the permission to kill me...

But Love delighted at tormenting me. IT didn't want to kill me...Love just wanted to see me suffer.

The sun began to shine, but I still couldn't go out. I had to give myself time to languish at my own demise.

Love didn't kill me...IT should have when it had the chance...because now, my hands are stained with ITs colorless blood.