Birthday Blues

I'm getting the birthday blues. In a few day's time, I'll be a year older. Wrinkles are starting to crease on my forehead, and somehow, my smile is turning into a frown more often. I think that's what you get when you think about a lot of things, even when you shouldn't.

The best gift this time around would be a job. It's been a pain in the butt looking for a job I'm not even sure I'll be happy to have. Everything seems to be so new and I can't find anyone to tell me just exactly what to do. If I had a choice, I'd like to be a regular volunteer at an orphanage or at an institution for old folks. (I remember the smiles of Lola Gerry and Jing-jing, and all my cares drift away.)

But this couldn't be how the world works. One must work in order to live. It is never enough to just exist for another.

That's Just the Way It Is

I used to think it was such a big deal to break-up. I often made a fuss about being left behind or having my love taken for granted. Somehow, along the path of picking up the broken pieces of me, I have realized that he was too damn undeserving for what I was giving.

Some people may think that I'm bitter, but hey, there's one thing I've got to say...I'm Better.

Gone are the days of becoming restless. I close my eyes as I put my soul to rest and no more sleepless nights. Insecurities and pressure no longer hover above my head, instead contentment now resides in my heart. I have freed myself from the chains he bounded me with as I could now spread my wings.

When I let him go, I was afraid I might not find love anymore, but come to think of it, it wasn't even love he showed. If he cared for me just a bit, he wouldn't have let me go through all the deception and lies.

The irony here, though, is that I was the one who turned my back on him. It seems as if I was the one who left him behind...but I'm not sorry for leaving. After everything I gave up for him and gone through, I know that I deserve this freedom.

Maybe I grew tired and weary as I felt I was the only one exhausting all the love for the both of us. You see, I wasn't even asking him for forever, but he couldn't even assure me at present. Since all the strength in me has gone, I was hoping to gather some from him. Unfortunately, though expectedly, he chose not to do anything to lift my liftless spirit.

I gave him everything, but it wasn't enough. For every worry I allowed to trouble my mind, seems he was never concerned. For every tear I shed behind his back, a pretentious smile I'd show as he looked into my eyes. I made everything look alright then, but being too blind caused too many bruises.

There were too many second chances to make up for all the pain he caused, so now, I've decided to call the last shot.

So, what's he gotta do to win me back?

NOTHING.

Tell him, I've made up my mind.

I'm not about to make another mistake.

Plea

my vulnerability has taken its toll
I only have myself to catch me from the fall
to get back in the nook I have to crawl
Coz when i loved you, i lost it all
although many times i wanted you to stay
things aren't right so i'll let you fade away
i'm like a sheep who's lost and astray
without a shepherd to guide my way
so many times you made me cry
i'm tired of even wondering how and why
that's why it's useless to give it another try
just give me my wings back so i could fly

Escape and Freedom

Escape is easy.

Acceptance is dreadful.

Everything I did and everything I said...they all had their reasons, but why does it seem so difficult to face the facts?

I want you to leave me alone...

I won't live and breathe behind your shadows anymore...

I'm setting myself free.

Rose in the Rubble

Summer days have quickly gone as the songs of hummingbirds faded. In a world of misery, not a tone of glee could be heard, only sighs coming from a hopeless heart. An image of a lost soul slowly came to mind although experience already defined her entire being. With downcast eyes, she looked beyond the horizon and across the still waters, she found no glint of relief from the exhaustion of her journey. Though she escaped from her wicker cage, she was afraid to fly out into the world. Fearful of what the future had in store for her, she allowed herself to become chained to the ground. Trembling and cold, she longed for someone to hold her and warm her frosty heart, but no one seemed to come.

She needed a reason for her existence and an answer for all her fears. As the sun was about to set, all doubts hovered above her just as darkness suspended over light, as if ready to take control. The wind that used to brush past her face had ceased blowing, and in the stillness of the afternoon haze, her spirit lost all capacity to understand the ambiguity of life. Listlessness has overpowered her.

A nomad searching for nothing, finding the inexistence of meaning and treading the shallow waters of materialism in a universe limited by social restrictions, wherein every individual desperately attempts to survive every adverse circumstance. Through all these years, she wondered how she could have withstood the test of time. From every tremor, she wondered how she could have kept her stance still, despite the increasing intensity of each shake. And from every uncertainty, she wondered how she could have continued searching, and still looking, even when not a single clue to all her confusion has been found. Somehow, a part of her remaines hopeful amidst the hopelessness. She knew that when she found what it was, the void within would be filled. It was the urge to find it, to find herself a place in this world, that prods her to keep moving on. Faith flowed in her vains and she knew it was all she needed throughout this tiresome voyage.

She had to keep on believing that anything could be created ex nihilo, that out of nothing can every possibility be made. Visions of the sun rising just had to be imagined, and soon enough, this picturesque image of a new life would materialize. For the millionth time, she tried to blink all the fears aside, and upon opening her eyes this time, she caught glance of a rose in the rubble. With the blossoming of this rose, she knew that, in time the dimness would turn into brightness.

And then, that's when she saw herself. With every experience, she would learn and grow from it. Her meaning would eventually surface. This she now knows by heart.

Without hesitation, she spread her wings, and began to fly towards her destiny.

Pardon Me

*** Pseudotemptress was hurt. She was angry. She let the demon out. After she wrote this, pseudotemptress had her peace of mind. ***

Pardon me, do I know you?
You call upon me as if you do
I have forgotten your voice...
such a bittersweet choice...
But to forget all the words you used to whisper
and not to remember times spent together,
makes my life a whole lot better
each day, erasing every memory becomes easier

Excuse me, have we met?
Look into my eyes so full of regret
Seems only yesterday when you held me
and I shiver at this past that I see
You remind me of my stupidity
And your chauvinistic cruelty
To take advantage of my vulnerability
must have been your ultimate fantasy

Pardon me, excuse me...
Stay the fuck away from me
Pardon me, excuse me...
Your hopeless romantic, I'll never be

No Because

He asked, "Why me?"
I stared at him, and smiled...
Even I didn't have the answer to that.
All I did was listen to silence...
listen just as my heart spoke...
It chose him.

Freedom

i swallowed freedom down into my guts...it struggled...but i didn't want to let it go...no, not this time.

isn't it ironic how freedom makes us free, but it in itself isn't?

maybe the reason why we constantly tie chains around freedom is because it's the only thing that stays though we choke it...

Long Lost Me

it's been so long since i last heard her...
hush...
can't you see, i'm trying to hear what it is she's whispering...
but she stopped, and began walking away

where did she go?
no, i won't let her go this time...

the imprints of her footsteps have been buried deep into the sand...
i searched for her, but it's hard looking through the thick fog...
"Hey!" I shouted, but she made no reply
The smoke blinds my eye...

then, a tap behind my back
i turn around and there she was, a tear running down her cheek
we both opened our arms, and embraced for the longest time
when i opened my eyes, my arms were wrapped around myself...

that's when i knew, i found her and she's here to stay...

Sometimes, we find ourselves lost through the hustle and bustle of the city's busy world. We get so engrossed in all activities that we don't notice how we're slowly engulfed by the superficiality of it all...then one day, we wake up so lost and listless. Life has become a monotony of words and actions...People influence us to become someone we're not...then, there are those who insist on changing who we are...

But why not listen to the being trapped inside your inner dungeon, the being concealed behind the artificiality...

Hear her cry...Make her come back to you...only then would you know how to live and grow.

Love yourself. Feel yourself. Embrace yourself...

Then, love others the way you have loved yourself.

I Turn to Him

When the mind goes weary, the heart saves my sanity. His voice is all I need to hear...

Rebirth through Death

Humanity is the complex irony of existence...the soul is in dire need of understanding but life is cruel to those who look for answers...for it is in searching that we die only to live again.