My Favorite Regret

Have I finally taught myself to become numb to an emotion everybody else is talking about...feeling...appreciating? It only seemed like yesterday when I felt the piercing, and I imagined myself taking revenge on an affection that never meant to bring forth hatred, only solace and distress, so as to make us realize the importance of cherishing happy moments. I remember how I couldn't wait to see a reflection in the mirror of a girl who has been set free from the clutches of faded hopes and dreams, of how I prayed for the hurting to stop and enable me to forget all that was, of how I pushed myself to forgive...to forgive him...but most especially, to forgive myself...

Every decision I made was never forced nor commanded...my actions were expressions of how much I loved him because I knew nothing in this world's ever permanent.

I loved him. I don't only think that...because I really did.

Perhaps this is the reason why I'm taking it easy this time, giving myself the chance to breathe and embrace myself. It gets tiring to pretend that one is strong when in fact is not.

Now, I am unfeeling, incapable of loving...still a victim of the past...

So, do I still love him?

Could it be possible for somebody numb to still love?

Until when?

Moving On

There isn't enough years for me to be able to look back at what used-to-be with sweet revelry. Somehow the pain still lingers on, and I have learned to live with it, despite my constant prayers for amnesia. Little by little though, I have managed to leave all regrets behind. There has been so many things I've gained, even when I feel I've gone through the worst, so maybe, experiencing the hurt and the "love" was worth it.

Perhaps this is what they call moving on...I actually didn't think that I would have the strength to prod on, but I am continuing with my life, breathing each day with a renewed thirst for it, somewhat prepared to face all the new trials that would come my way, and definitely trying to be better than before.

Falling in love need not be so multifaceted, as I have discerned. Knowing oneself, to love oneself, is more than enough to win the battle against the tricks destiny plays on our hearts.

Keep on learning. Keep on living. Keep on loving.

The One who Got Away

I'm the one who got away...

I was the one who left him stranded...

I may have been the one who gave up on 'us'...

But I never would have let go if only he assured me.

I recently found out that there's nothing more irritating than your past fitting into your present. There's a battle needed to be won as his ghost materializes and comes to ruin your life once again.

This time, though, I know how to win the war.

I'm the one who got away...

I intend to keep it that way.

Love is a Gamble

Love is a gamble...and there are no flashes nor straights that could mend your heart when it breaks.

Do I Stoop Down so Low?

I dare not.

"Do I stoop down so low?"

These were the words I blurted out after hearing his insane accusation. At first, the ridiculous idea offended me, but eventually I found the sarcastic humor to laugh it off. Then at the end of our conversation, the once forgotten hurt resurfaced. This time, though, it wasn't caused by a broken heart. Instead, the pain of insult returned to haunt me.

It never occurred to me that he would think I would do such a thing: to express words of vulgarity to his present girlfriend. Through all those times when his words pierced me, I never uttered a single word of profanity although blood already rushed through my veins. Why would I do such an immature deed now that I've opened my eyes to the truth and have set myself free? I even sympathize with his girl for having to undergo this situation. I wouldn't wanna be in her shoes to begin with.

This unmistakable judge of character is a disappointment. After all this time, nothing changed as to how he saw me. Through everything we've been through, I am still valued so low by the one I chose to shower my affection to in just the recent past.

It's actually a pity, although this time, I do not pity myself. This incident only strengthened my conviction to stay away, as much as it supported my decision to move on with my life without him.

Modesty aside, but I deserve so much more.

Sour Friendship

Lately I've been pondering at how some people could throw a friendship away so easily, to think that you've been friends for what seemed like ages. The trials you both overcame and the laughter you once shared don't seem enough to make the relationship go further. We entrusted each other with our secrets, but now, we're worse than enemies. She's making me non-existent in her life.

Ouch. It pains that the person you trusted and cared for would turn her back on you and as she walked away, would step upon the dignity you thought you had.

I've been too hard on myself. I don't even know if she's in the least affected with regards to the situation that we're in, but I've spent sleepless nights crying over the wasted friendship. Maybe it's supposed to be difficult because the universe wants you to feel that you should at least save what might still be there. But how? I've tried so many times, have gotten tired almost during every attempt, but continued anyway...this time, I know that I still have the strength to give it another shot. However, I've gotten afraid that she'd turn me down all over again. And every time I remember her, tears form in my eyes.

I couldn't seem to give up the friendship, despite the cold stares she's given me and despite her talking behind my back...telling people how a wreck and basketcase I am...how I never learn...how I easily fall...that behind every good intention I've done is someone really fake and deceiving. Maybe I am pretentious, but only when it comes to my own emotions. Every single deed I do for people I care for are genuine...and if she thinks that everything I did for her was just an act...

I simply don't know what to think anymore. Should I even be explaining?

"Never explain. Your TRUE FRIENDS don't need it. Your ENEMIES won't listen."

What I do know is this: she HATES me big time and she definitely ain't even trying to hide the emotion. I still couldn't figure out why she loathes me this much, as if we never had the friendship, as if I hurt her so deeply and as if I've done the most immoral thing there is.

Must I just let go and give her up? And do what she's doing...to just imagine we were never friends?

Maybe there are lessons to be learned here...

1) people aren't who you think they are even if you get to know them...but if you love them, you'll stay by them no matter if they change.

2) trust only your true friends...know who they are.

Sigh. I need to move on...leave every negativity behind.

Funny how someone I love could make me feel such a loser.

Queen of the Damned: Curse of a Woman

A lovely face that charms and mystifies;

brilliant and majestic even with blinded eyes.

Beauty that permeates through thick invisible walls...

Flowing, viscous, radiant light, all over the body, crawls.

But alas! Sorrow and grief behind all the royalty;

pain and suffering underneath the vanity...

a youthful glow masked with porcelain skin...

hiding a dying soul, concealed within...

Those who admire stares and glares

as the look of lust penetrates and tears;

shattering the reflection of innocence...

becoming an object of desire in her mere existence...

That tattooed crease everytime she smiles,

a pretentious sight that feeds and satisfies

the hunger of vicious mortal creatures,

devouring the divinity of her godly features.

She struggles and cries to be freed,

and prayers of damnation, her only creed...

Her real worth rots and wastes away,

for the price of man's erotic craving, she has to pay.

Truth and Lies

Take my hand. We’ll walk awhile, talk awhile…

It was so easy for you to have taken the risk. I, on the other hand, had to plead the angels above to whisper in my ear that I was doing the right thing. You never knew what a big sacrifice it was for me to give in to the emotion, to take your hand, and to walk beside you. You never knew all about the conflicts I had to deal with alone, as well as all the piercing judgments I had to take. I struggled to make the relationship work but you did nothing.
You planned everything, didn’t you? You planned the relationship to be temporary. You had no actual intention of making it last.
SUPERFICIAL JERK: you
STUPID: me

Feel my love, always there beside you

Your words have been useless because I never felt your love beside me at all. If I had, I wouldn’t be exhausted and drained now, would I? I drenched my spirit with every drop of patience and understanding for love to be enough for the both of us. Well, until my soul got too dry.

Be the one. I know you’ll tell me everything. You are the one I cherish more than anything…

LIAR.

I love you more than you’ll ever know…

Do you?

I love you more than you’ll ever see…

Really now…

I love you more than my heart could ever show…

Huh?! You have a heart? Didn’t seem to notice…

I love you more than you’ll ever know…

How could you say you love me? Do you even know what love means?
Loyalty. Faithfulness. Honesty. Sacrifice.
Maybe you forgot about these. Or maybe I just have to understand the newer version of love: getting back together with your ex while you’re still in an existing so-called relationship!
Dude, I’m not stupid.

Think of me and know that I’ll believe in you

Why should I think of you? Who do you think you are? You don’t deserve any remembrance at all.

There’ll always be this precious time together

Oh, how unfortunate for me! I’m going to be stuck with memories of crap.

With every tear, a love strong…

Don’t expect me to shed a tear for you. No asshole deserves my crying over him.

No words could ever say…a love to last forever.

In your dreams! I’m out of your life.

I love you more than you’ll ever know. I love you more than you’ll ever see… I love you more than my heart could ever show… I love you more than you’ll ever know…

Boy, you’ve got an idiotic way of proving it…so stop fooling yourself and cut me some slack.

I’m freeing myself from all your shitty deception.

I Called the Last Shot

I carefully stared at his picture while it burned. His look was stern and strict, as if revealing masculinity and strength as he overcame life’s painful tests. Every line and every curve has been imprinted on my memory, but I at least had to try to forget.

A single spark now slowly blazed into a fiery flame, as if dancing to the lamenting melody sung by my heart. Not once did he ask me to dance nor did he ever hold me close as slow music played to the tunes of romance, but I remember every time he found his smile whenever we were together. I remember how his eyes lit up when I told a joke or whispered sweet nothings in his ear. And now, I was watching his picture be consumed by the fire, erasing every feature that made me fall in love with him.

As black smoke rose up on the air, I knew I had to let everything go, including the princess in my fairy tale. I had to forego every ounce of pain and what remained of all hope, for what once was solid now turned into dust, just like every wish I used to build around love.

Every second seemed to take forever, as if giving me the time to think about what I was doing, and still try to somewhat save a part of the burnt memory. Although I fought the urge of cherishing last glimpses of him, my mind was locking everything deep inside. Still, I had to give forgetting a try.

His body has disappeared and I could already feel the heat at the tip of my fingers. The fire seemed to burn faster now, eating up his chin, his lips, his nose, his eyes, and now his forehead. Slowly I put the burning remnant of a recent past inside an old candle holder as it flickered, then raged a little violently, as if a dying spirit cried in anguish, before it eventually died.

A pungent odor filled my room, as if entailing the loss of love’s aroma. The wind whispered in my ear romance’s cruelties, then enticed me to develop distaste towards it. I bent my head down and close my eyes as I surrendered to the cold embrace of enmity. In the attempt to completely forget, I conceded to losing faith in whatever it was that love deemed real.

As I opened my eyes, I gave out a heavy sigh, then, peeked into the glass candle- holder. The remains of the picture submerged into the wax and there was no way to extract them now. Or maybe I didn’t want to throw them away because it would remind me of the foolishness I once made and of my vulnerability that led to such a bittersweet reality.

Suddenly, the phone rang.
Once. Twice. Thrice.
“Hello?”
A familiar voice…that familiar emotion…
“Maddy, are you there?”
“Yes, Seth. What do you want?” Once again, I let the enemy defeat me.
“I’ve been trying to reach you for days. How are you?” he said. His voice was calm and soothing.
“I’m fine,” I coldly replied.
Silence.
My heart was racing faster and faster. Just when I wanted everything to end, he had to leave yet another painful memory.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he broke the silence.
“For what?” I sarcastically exclaimed.
Then, another string of silence…
Egotistical jerk! He couldn’t even admit it. He has always been used to saying he’s sorry.
“Look, Seth, I’ve got a lot of things to do…” I tried to say, but then he cut me short.
“I miss you, Maddy,” he softly said.
I felt like a little child, unable to speak, dazed and confused, but I knew what had to be done. There have been many second chances, and it was about time I called the last shot.
“I’m really busy, Seth. I have to go.”
With that, I put the receiver down.

The room was no longer filled with smoke. Even the odor was gone. I let a few seconds go by as I just stood beside the phone.

Then, I felt peace. I turned off the light and went to bed.

Tomorrow... It’s going to be a new day, I told myself.

Just Tired

Days are passing by...and I'm getting restless.

Happy moments are but fleeting ones, and I try to cope up with the agonizing hours.

God, until when?

Simple Happiness

I don't live in a mansion, but I'm rich...

I don't have lots of money, but I'm rich...

I know I can't possess every material thing there is, but still, I know I'm rich...

And though there are no treasures buried in my backyard, I know I'm the richest person alive...

I'm rich because I'm deeply loved by the people around me.

They shower their affection ever so warmly that it sometimes seems their breath is the air I

breathe...they simply give me life.

It's quite fascinating how this wealth fulfills me, satisfies me, and makes me whole...and nothing could ever measure up to the contentment I now feel just by having those special people around.

Thank you for staying by me...your love sustains me, and I am forever your servant of love.

Bruised knees and Broken Hearts

Rain poured heavily outside as I watched children run wildly back into their homes. I remember when I used to be one of those kids, shouting with glee as I played tag with the other neighborhood kids. Bruised knees and scraped elbows didn't stop me from having the time of my life.

It used to be so simple then...

Now, a broken heart has temporarily chained me to insanity. So, who broke my heart?

No one.

I did.

See how complex the world we live in is. Even I don't have the right frame of mind to express what it is I'm feeling inside. I used to pour out everything then...to just scribble away and be swept by the influence of all literary juices...but now...I don't know.

I'm at a loss for words. Maybe because I've become numb to an emotion. I've escaped the clutches of sentimentality and have been sucked into the abyss of dark mortality. Yes, it was my choice to free myself from the prison the enemy has locked me in.

And you know what...my enemy was love.

Yes, love tied a rope around my neck. Love stabbed a knife straight to my heart. Love just let me fall into a pit so deep and dark.

There was a time I pleaded Love to end it all. If IT wanted to take every breath out of me, I gave IT the permission to kill me...

But Love delighted at tormenting me. IT didn't want to kill me...Love just wanted to see me suffer.

The sun began to shine, but I still couldn't go out. I had to give myself time to languish at my own demise.

Love didn't kill me...IT should have when it had the chance...because now, my hands are stained with ITs colorless blood.

Birthday Blues

I'm getting the birthday blues. In a few day's time, I'll be a year older. Wrinkles are starting to crease on my forehead, and somehow, my smile is turning into a frown more often. I think that's what you get when you think about a lot of things, even when you shouldn't.

The best gift this time around would be a job. It's been a pain in the butt looking for a job I'm not even sure I'll be happy to have. Everything seems to be so new and I can't find anyone to tell me just exactly what to do. If I had a choice, I'd like to be a regular volunteer at an orphanage or at an institution for old folks. (I remember the smiles of Lola Gerry and Jing-jing, and all my cares drift away.)

But this couldn't be how the world works. One must work in order to live. It is never enough to just exist for another.

That's Just the Way It Is

I used to think it was such a big deal to break-up. I often made a fuss about being left behind or having my love taken for granted. Somehow, along the path of picking up the broken pieces of me, I have realized that he was too damn undeserving for what I was giving.

Some people may think that I'm bitter, but hey, there's one thing I've got to say...I'm Better.

Gone are the days of becoming restless. I close my eyes as I put my soul to rest and no more sleepless nights. Insecurities and pressure no longer hover above my head, instead contentment now resides in my heart. I have freed myself from the chains he bounded me with as I could now spread my wings.

When I let him go, I was afraid I might not find love anymore, but come to think of it, it wasn't even love he showed. If he cared for me just a bit, he wouldn't have let me go through all the deception and lies.

The irony here, though, is that I was the one who turned my back on him. It seems as if I was the one who left him behind...but I'm not sorry for leaving. After everything I gave up for him and gone through, I know that I deserve this freedom.

Maybe I grew tired and weary as I felt I was the only one exhausting all the love for the both of us. You see, I wasn't even asking him for forever, but he couldn't even assure me at present. Since all the strength in me has gone, I was hoping to gather some from him. Unfortunately, though expectedly, he chose not to do anything to lift my liftless spirit.

I gave him everything, but it wasn't enough. For every worry I allowed to trouble my mind, seems he was never concerned. For every tear I shed behind his back, a pretentious smile I'd show as he looked into my eyes. I made everything look alright then, but being too blind caused too many bruises.

There were too many second chances to make up for all the pain he caused, so now, I've decided to call the last shot.

So, what's he gotta do to win me back?

NOTHING.

Tell him, I've made up my mind.

I'm not about to make another mistake.

Plea

my vulnerability has taken its toll
I only have myself to catch me from the fall
to get back in the nook I have to crawl
Coz when i loved you, i lost it all
although many times i wanted you to stay
things aren't right so i'll let you fade away
i'm like a sheep who's lost and astray
without a shepherd to guide my way
so many times you made me cry
i'm tired of even wondering how and why
that's why it's useless to give it another try
just give me my wings back so i could fly

Escape and Freedom

Escape is easy.

Acceptance is dreadful.

Everything I did and everything I said...they all had their reasons, but why does it seem so difficult to face the facts?

I want you to leave me alone...

I won't live and breathe behind your shadows anymore...

I'm setting myself free.

Rose in the Rubble

Summer days have quickly gone as the songs of hummingbirds faded. In a world of misery, not a tone of glee could be heard, only sighs coming from a hopeless heart. An image of a lost soul slowly came to mind although experience already defined her entire being. With downcast eyes, she looked beyond the horizon and across the still waters, she found no glint of relief from the exhaustion of her journey. Though she escaped from her wicker cage, she was afraid to fly out into the world. Fearful of what the future had in store for her, she allowed herself to become chained to the ground. Trembling and cold, she longed for someone to hold her and warm her frosty heart, but no one seemed to come.

She needed a reason for her existence and an answer for all her fears. As the sun was about to set, all doubts hovered above her just as darkness suspended over light, as if ready to take control. The wind that used to brush past her face had ceased blowing, and in the stillness of the afternoon haze, her spirit lost all capacity to understand the ambiguity of life. Listlessness has overpowered her.

A nomad searching for nothing, finding the inexistence of meaning and treading the shallow waters of materialism in a universe limited by social restrictions, wherein every individual desperately attempts to survive every adverse circumstance. Through all these years, she wondered how she could have withstood the test of time. From every tremor, she wondered how she could have kept her stance still, despite the increasing intensity of each shake. And from every uncertainty, she wondered how she could have continued searching, and still looking, even when not a single clue to all her confusion has been found. Somehow, a part of her remaines hopeful amidst the hopelessness. She knew that when she found what it was, the void within would be filled. It was the urge to find it, to find herself a place in this world, that prods her to keep moving on. Faith flowed in her vains and she knew it was all she needed throughout this tiresome voyage.

She had to keep on believing that anything could be created ex nihilo, that out of nothing can every possibility be made. Visions of the sun rising just had to be imagined, and soon enough, this picturesque image of a new life would materialize. For the millionth time, she tried to blink all the fears aside, and upon opening her eyes this time, she caught glance of a rose in the rubble. With the blossoming of this rose, she knew that, in time the dimness would turn into brightness.

And then, that's when she saw herself. With every experience, she would learn and grow from it. Her meaning would eventually surface. This she now knows by heart.

Without hesitation, she spread her wings, and began to fly towards her destiny.

Pardon Me

*** Pseudotemptress was hurt. She was angry. She let the demon out. After she wrote this, pseudotemptress had her peace of mind. ***

Pardon me, do I know you?
You call upon me as if you do
I have forgotten your voice...
such a bittersweet choice...
But to forget all the words you used to whisper
and not to remember times spent together,
makes my life a whole lot better
each day, erasing every memory becomes easier

Excuse me, have we met?
Look into my eyes so full of regret
Seems only yesterday when you held me
and I shiver at this past that I see
You remind me of my stupidity
And your chauvinistic cruelty
To take advantage of my vulnerability
must have been your ultimate fantasy

Pardon me, excuse me...
Stay the fuck away from me
Pardon me, excuse me...
Your hopeless romantic, I'll never be

No Because

He asked, "Why me?"
I stared at him, and smiled...
Even I didn't have the answer to that.
All I did was listen to silence...
listen just as my heart spoke...
It chose him.

Freedom

i swallowed freedom down into my guts...it struggled...but i didn't want to let it go...no, not this time.

isn't it ironic how freedom makes us free, but it in itself isn't?

maybe the reason why we constantly tie chains around freedom is because it's the only thing that stays though we choke it...