I need to be surrounded by happy people, those who don't give a damn about emotions and stuff like that. I've been too emotional the past few weeks, intentionally or not. I read somewhere that stress might be causing it, and I would agree.

I don't have time to spend at home anymore. My mom and dad are sweet enough to wake up each time I get home around past midnight, but the only conversations we get to have are these:

Morning
Mom: Ingat ka, anak. What time are you coming home?
Me: Ganun pa rin po. Bye.

Evening
Dad: Bakit late ka na naman umuwi? What time are you waking up?
Me: Ganun pa rin po. Goodnight.

Weekend - Saturday
Dad: Aalis ka ngayon?
Me: Yes po.
Dad: San ka pupunta?
Me: Office po.
Mom: O, mag-ingat ka. Anong oras ka uuwi? Uwi ka ng maaga.

Weekend - Sunday
Mom: O, nakatulog ka ba sa office?
Me: Opo, nun mga 3 am na. Nagising ako ng 6.
Mom: Anong sinakyan mo?
Me: MRT. Ma, tulog muna ako.
Mom: O cge, anong oras kita gigisingin?
Me: Kahit lunch time na lang po.

It's a good thing I don't really have time to think. If I did, unkind thoughts would have already entered my head. I want to take a break. I want to breathe. I want to do things for myself. I want to have more conversations with the important people in my life.

This week, I'll leave the office at 5.30 pm. I'm breaking myself from the chains.

Updates

Well, life is still unfair, so it seems...but there are happy days, and I have been cherishing every single moment of it. Confusion is still a part of my life, and there are ill attempts to bring reason into everything. However, I still know better. Sometimes, it's better to ask and not wait for answers...Yes, I will keep on asking even if I won't get any replies. At least, asking means I still have time to ponder about things that truly matter...Or at least, about things that I consider to be important in my life.

I'm still growing emotionally. Just when I thought that I have reached the peak of my maturity, it seems that there are still a lot of things to learn. My favorite line nowadays is "Sabi ko na nga ba..." Simply because the events that transpire everyday can be determined. I don't think I have the ability to predict the future...since most events can happen if you trace back the other events that already happened. One thing will eventually lead to another. I guess that's what I just did.

I know that there are events we can prevent from happening...but sometimes, they just have to happen. There came a point when I tried to figure out if I'd lost my capacity to become sensitive to other people's needs, but then, I pause, and remember that I can't please everybody. Goodness, I can't even give myself what I need! Much more to give in to other people's demands. Perhaps, I have changed. Maybe, I have lost that part of myself - that which most people loved. Well, I guess this is the price I have to pay for becoming who I am. ALthough, I am still hopeful I won't grow old alone in this world. The cynism is just sometimes taking over me, and the bad thing about it is that I'm letting it get to me, overpower me, and take over entirely. I know that I need saving, but from what?

I think I need saving from myself - more like it.

To those who might think I'm pathetic or stupid or suicidal...Hahahahahahaha! Thank you for making me laugh.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The problem with people is that we only look for short-term solutions. As a result, the problem never really goes away. But what if our problem is the system? What if we know the rootcause, but don't know the ultimate solution? Perhaps, because everybody has something to say...each one of us has a principle, a belief that guides daily living...Given this, it makes me wonder, will people ever really get along?

********************************************************************************

My work is killing me, both literally and figuratively. I think that the pressure is taking its toll on me. Last Saturday night, I woke up in the middle of my sleep because there was a pain in my chest, specifically in the heart area. It was like, something or someone was holding my heart inside clenched fists. I raised my left arm on top of my head, and I felt the stretch. It actually scared me, wondering if I was actually having a mild heart attack. The stinging pain lasted for a while, and when I completely woke up in the morning, I felt the heaviness on the left part of my chest, as if there was a certain weight upon me.

Up until now, my left chest feels heavy. It actually hurts every time I touch my upper chest. Sometimes, I have difficulty breathing. Then, just today, the left part of my back began to feel tired and weighed on.

I'm planning to go to the doctor soon...I'm still praying that this will go away somehow...It's hard. My parents aren't here...They could always think for me on what I should do, as well as push me to have a check-up in just a snap. I'm actually scared. I don't know what to expect, because this isn't expected. What's more ironic is that just when I stopped smoking, and started eating healthy, I began to feel these weird physical pains.

It also doesn't help that I read this article some time ago when a Singaporean Account Manager died with unknown causes, but they had a hunch it was due to overwork. Among her symptoms, the only thing we have in common is the difficulty breathing part. I haven't had collapses nor near collapse experiences, which I do not inted to have! That's why I am going to the doctor for an ECG. The nurse in the clinic couldn't say what's wrong, but she is sweet enough to be concerned about me. She even called today, just to check up on me, and asked if I already went to the doctor.

Honestly, I really wish somebody could accompany me when I go there. I'm too scared to find out what the diagnosis is.

Who Am I?

I just realized how I'm becoming like my father as every single day passes by, especially when it comes to dealing with people in the workplace. Somehow, there's a battle waging inside of me as to which behavior I must exude. Sometimes, I get exhausted as I end up realizing that 90% of my day was spent pretending as to what I really felt. The masks worn each day are slowly getting thicker and thicker, and the real me is becoming a blur. I just shrug my shoulders and sway my head from side to side, out of hopelessness that the entire profile of my individuality will ever become solid. Sigh. Now, I'm sure that I will always be unpredictable. Laughing one minute, then quiet the next...seeming like normal, but obviously, not.

FREEWAY

The Grand Canyon trip pushed through two weekends ago. I can't believe I actually got to drive on the freeway for about two hours, with barely enough sleep. Perhaps the adrenaline rush was caused by the anxiety and need for speed. At 100 mph, it was more fearful to stop than to keep speeding.

Again, the entire experience taught me something.

LIfe flashes by before us, so we say. However, what we fail to conceive is that we let life pass us by, simply because we want to flow with how others flow, even if it may sometimes be too fast for us. The speed that I drove was way beyond the speed limit of 75, but there was this instinct to drive at the same pace the other cars were driving. It was like I had no choice except to bend the rules and do what everybody else was doing.

But at the end of the day, I began to think. If something happened to me and the four other passengers with me, would anybody be accountable? Is it logical to even say that it wasn't my fault because I was only following other people? Such simple questions, aren't they? Yet, I failed to even consider all those while I was driving. The rush just got into my head.

And now, I'm sometimes scared to be behind the wheel, not because I'm traumatized by the experience, but because I'm afraid to discover just what I could do, and just how careless I could be.

GAP

We stopped over at Sedona for about an hour. As expected, we just went shopping. I bought presents for my family back home, making me miss them so much more.

Gap had a sale. Of course, I didn't let that pass. All the bargains just made me jump ecstatically in my head.

Then, the most ironic of ironies was mentioned by an officemate who was with us for the trip. He said that our going to Gap only made the 'gap' with someone bigger. Of course, I didn't have to be a genius to figure that out. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

It's been almost two weeks since I kept my distance. Somehow, it's helping. I don't exactly have the words to describe it, except that staying away enabled me to accept him fully now. It's sinking in me that what I didn't see before has actually existed. It just sort of surfaced completely now, as we're all evolving into the individuals this onshore experience is molding us to be.

However, I don't think things will ever be the same. I'm still trying to slowly bring it all back, though, but eventually, his behavior topples over everything else. He still means so much, though. I'm hoping that things will eventually fall back into place. - Kirsten

ETERNAL CRUSH

I am probably the most loyal person I know. I only stick to one crush at a time. It's crazy, I know, but at the same time, fascinating.

All my life, there will always be only one infatuation who keep beguiling my heart one way or another. It doesn't matter whether or not I often see him, because somehow, my heart will keep finding its way back to his arms in my head. (Cheesy).

I actually started to develop this feeling towards him during college. He just seemed to shine above the rest, and somehow I knew he knew that, yet he wasn't extremely arrogant about it, unlike other guys I knew. Maybe that was what drew me to him. Well, plus the fact that he was just adorable.

We're still friends now, or something like it, because we don't actually spend time together nor talk on the phone. It's like months pass by before we actually get to talk again, but the amazing thing is that, we just pick up where we left off. And it all the more adds to that 'kilig' feeling I get brought about by crushes!!!

Haha. I'm getting carried away every time I write about him or even just think about him. The way he looks is still vivid in my head, and the jokes he told still make me smile. We don't really have that sturdy of a foundation to our friendship, but it's the security in knowing that years from now he'll still pop up from somewhere to put a smile on my face just completely amazes me. He actually helped me move on from my past relationship, except that he doesn't know it.

And you want to know a secret? Haha. If there's any guy that I'd like to go out/steady with, it's him. The only thing that's keeping me from getting to know him better is the fear of losing him in the process. I seem to be cursed when it comes to that department.

But...maybe when I get back home, I might gather the courage to give it a try. Besides, it's probably about time.

******************************
Well, I guess that's it for now. =)
Good night, world!

A Story of Friendship - Part One

Every friendship needs to undergo some sort of trial. This strengthens the bond, or so they say. So why does it seem like this test is staining our so-called friendship? I know he's irritated at the way I disagree with his opinions, but hey, I am but expressing myself. That's how I see things, and nothing can change that. If he couldn't handle the way I deal with stuff, then I guess...it's time to be real: We might as well just keep our mouths shut from now on.

Maybe this trip will do us both some good, a little bit of fresh air and some nature tripping. I'm not expecting any of us to talk to each other, though, which is alright for me 'cause I wouldn't want my blood to raise up to a level so unacceptable that I would just make a total fool out of myself. Just get this over with, I keep telling myself.

It's hard to accept something about a person the first time you realize that he/she has that irritating trait. Try as I may to accept this side of him now, I can't. Not yet, that is. I still need some time to digest the reality that spending a lot of time with him will eventually allow me to see the entirety of his being and swallow every little bit of what he's made of. As of this moment, I'm trying to remember all the good times we had and the non-shallow, non-superficial talks we used to have, just to try to convince myself that we're still cool.

It's obvious I'm getting into his nerves, as well. Then I guess, it's a good thing we're not travelling on the same car. The really surprising thing is that I felt relieved when he said that I needed to ride on the other car. As much as he didn't want me sitting on the passenger seat for four hours and more, I didn't want to be there listening to his ramblings about things that used to make me laugh, but just annoys me now.

I never thought he could piss me off. Then again, there is a reason for everything.

Whatever it is, I still hope it doesn't mean the end of our friendship. I just really need some time to accept this new-found side of him.

- Kirsten

Friendster: About Me

i am haunted by my frustrations, yet i don't do anything about it

i smile, yet my soul is like a siren wailing inside of me

i don't want to die a slow death, yet i smoke

i run and swim, yet reality keeps gaining up on me

i don't want to be in love, yet i am

i deny everything that is my very existence because the only person i am afraid of being totally honest with is myself

I'm super hungry! Unfortunately, I'm still in the office, and unfortunately, I'm not in Makati, where McDo's are everywhere and super near. What I need to do is go home and eat, but I can't because I'm still in the middle of a call.

The past few weeks have been okay, but missing home is starting to creep up my spine. I actually tried to block the feeling, yet it's inevitable. I can't stop thinking of sleeping in my own bed and waking up to the sound of my parent's voice. I still have 4 months to go, and I'm just counting the days.

On the other hand, being here is such a blessing. This is a stepping stone towards the attainment of my goals. I never would've believed that this could happen to me, but I guess, God had a bigger plan than I could imagine. Experiencing the lifestyle and work ethics of Americans is one thing, but I guess the most important impact this has is my personal growth. I feel like I'm becoming more mature as each day passes by...and there's no assurance that I will be the same 'Maddy' when I come back. There will definitely be some changes in terms of how I work, how I deal with people in the office, and how I battle with everyday challenges. However, how I am with my family and friends won't change at all. Well, if it does change, I hope it's for the better.

On a less serious note, we had a pool party last Saturday! It was sort of a despedida for Tors, who's leaving for Manila soon. Life here is where people come and go in a span of 6 months. Sigh.

Of Fortune Cookies and Fortune Tellers

The other day, one of the employees in the office asked us to get some food at the conference room. It really looked good, except that the taste didn't quite meet my expectations...and I guess there's a reason why. Hadn't the taste been so terrible, I wouldn't have appreciated the fortune cookies.

I didn't think that the actual cookies could be eaten, but I would have missed something so good if I hadn't. Still, the best part were the fortunes in them.

Fortune 1: Beautiful things await you.

Now, I know that sounds a little vague, but hey, anything that has 'beautiful' in it sounds good enough for me. You know, I already feel blessed, knowing where I am now. Yeah, I still get those down-in-the-dumps mood, yet when I look at the bigger picture, I see that life has given me so much more than what I expected. I mean, all the trials have actually helped me become a better person, as well as made me open up my eyes to reality. I'm no longer disillusioned, although sometimes I still wish I could bring back that belief in pixie dusts and ever afters, because somehow when I have that, my heart somewhat feels a little lighter. Oh well, I guess people just lose them with age. Could this fortune also mean I could age with beauty? Haha.

Fortune 2: Many of your Ideas are becoming real.

Hooray!!! When I read this, it actually made me think. It is so true! Even if I'm taking baby steps, the direction where I want to go is exactly where I'm going. Sigh. And this makes me miss home so much more. It's so true that when you make people your inspiration, it makes the journey seem more worth it...And I just can't wait to see the smile on parents' face when I see them open up the gifts I have for them. =P

When I was in first year college, some of my blockmates and I decided to have our palms read near school. It was just for fun, and I had no intentions of taking them seriously, but I did keep everything he said about me in my head. (Haha. Not seriously, huh?)

Two things actually already came true:
a) He said that I was going to travel abroad, and that I was going to step foot on Japan. At that time, I didn't actually think that I would be doing something in Japan, except go shopping with Denden. But still, I didn't get it why I was going there.

Then, 2 years ago, I was assigned to a project that had a possibility of sending people for onshore assignments, and I thought, "hey, wait a minute...". And that made me remember what the palm reader said just barely four years ago from the time I got into the project.

And now, I'm here in the US, having already spent 7 weeks. You know what the amazing thing is? My connecting flight was in Japan! Haha. Amazing, isn't it?

b) Then, he also said that I was going to have problems internally...and true enough, I'm dealing with something that I'm taking meds for. It's been a year, but the condition hasn't changed yet. Sigh. I'm still hoping it gets better soon, though.

I'm still not someone who's into fortune telling. I never went to one ever again. But I guess, it's fascinating to remember people predicting things about you, and watch it materialize one way or another. I am where I am now, not because I just sat on my butt and waited for them to happen. I actually did something about it.

9 Months - Lost in Translation

9 months have passed. Could it be that I am re-born, in a superficial womb created by my imagination? Or is it by faith?

New layout. New face.
Old feelings. Old emotions. Just memories.

I'm at a loss for words. Seems like the only communcation method I've mastered is the IF-ELSE-END-IF method.

Time to pick myself up.

The problem with me is that I think too much, but I can't help it. Every time I sit around, do nothing, or even just watch TV, I'm not really listening nor watching what's in front of me because something else is on my mind. It's like I'm trying to find myself every minute, thinking about what may seem like nonsense to other people...and I know the reason why I couldn't get it out of my system. It's simply because I have lacked the strength to become totally honest, even with myself. I can't write what's in my head, just like before, because if I do, new revelations would surface, then my life would either come rolling down the hill or meet tomorrow's sunrise with a smile on my face.

This is the very first weekend, after such a very long time, that I have felt freedom. For so many days, I felt so choked up, to the point of vomitting every toxin in my brain and body. But the most important part of my existence that I just really want to revive is my soul. I feel as if I am a nomad, searching for answers that could not be found, once again. As I actually sit in front of my pc, my fingers are just typing away. I'm tired of thinking...and there's really nothing I could do to stop it. I think this is a disease.

The one thing that's bothering me is this innate nature of human beings. Why couldn't we just be satisfied with what we have? Why couldn't we simply savor the blessings that have come our way? I think the reason why my soul is listless is because I, too, cannot find it in me to be contented with what I have. I can be happy. I can smile every minute of every hour of every day, but why couldn't I?

I try to tell myself not to complain too much, not to be so engrossed with the superficiality of it all, but I can't help it if I give in. Who could blame me, right? I am but human.

*Argh!* I don't know what's wrong.